New meds making me feel sick

Aw @BlueBay

I just found the best group hug

Please don't worry that you could not chat last night - you were exhausted - I don't come on line when I am totalled and feel anything I add would drain me - you must think of your own health first

You have come a long way when you say you don't know if you want to get better - wow - that is massive insight - now you have found the key you might be able to open the door - that is a fantastics step forward - one day you might see it - that is super-cool

Getting better takes time and energy and insight and pain and is hard damn work - and who would want to do all of that? I can't stop myself - so I know the hard yards - but I have lived a few extra years and that means a lot - years themselves and living them and finding that the really useful years of my life ahead are few propel me through my therapy

So - I think that sense of urgency is happening to you now - from the outside we can see the steps forward you have taken - can we ever - I am sure other people will back me up here

And you will do the work - and life will improve for you - how do I know this?

Because you would not be putting yourself through all this hell of headaches and blood pressure and anger if you actually like the place where you are now - it's horrible in that dark place - so you are working your way out - and growth and change hurt

Who said you were self-centred? - Not us - no - we read your story - we know how much you love your children -

Sending virtual hugs

Dec

But @Decadian i don't see improvement; all i see is crap. i haven't done what i should have done with regards to getting better. all i see is mistakes and more mistakes.

thank you for saying those kind words.You know I think i am being so honest with you here - i really don't know if i want to get better. I know that sounds stupid but it's so true and i think i have realised that today.

now i am crying.

i don't know anymore,

thank you for the group hug. xxoo

I know what you are saying @BlueBay

You are saying you don't want get better - that you have put in all sorts of efforts and tried all sorts of things and it all stuffs up on you and you feel like it's your fault and you are stuck -

You said you were stuck a few posts back - I just read back and saw that again - yes - for now I think you are stuck.

So right now - that's where you are - and you have figured that out - and as for blaming yourself though - just think

Did you cause yourself to be abused sexually - no woman - or man for that matter - wants to be sexually abused or abused in any other way so no - you didn't cause that

And your mother - I know enough about mouldy mothers - you didn't cause her - yes - I know you told her about the abuse from a family member - but she chose to be nasty about it - not you - you didn't cause that

So - it's okay to blame yourself for what you did yourself that was wrong - these choices are in the past - and you can see that - so - what can you do about them now?

Because you feel so stuck - maybe see if one of the mods can help you here - I would ring Life Line myself - but from my own story I know that where you are is horrible - and it takes a long sleep or a totally different idea to move past it right now

I care about you so much.

Dec

Also - the weather is revolting today - I have no doubt you are having the same weather as I am - that can add to our bleak thoughts

Who are the mods on today @NikNik @CherryBomb@Shimmer@Former-Member ????

Any help pls?

you're right @Decadian i didn't cause the sexual abuse; and I am not my mum. it hurts so much that i don't have a nice mum. and it even hurts more to not have my dad support me or even see me.

yes, weather is really crap, cold, raining (actually pouring right now) and dark; just adds to my negative thoughts for the day.

I so wish we could sit together and have a cuppa and chat. and a hug. xxoo

Hi @BlueBay it's me today.

I still recall your previous visits to your therapist and you felt the exact same way after leaving. It must be so hard for you each time you go, and I can imagine it will get harder for you in the weeks coming. But like @Decadian said, we are all here for you, and will support you through this transition.

The weather sure isn't making anyone feel super great today. Can you turn all your lights on in the house to make it not so dark around you?

Always here for you Sadgirl

Hi @Zahlia

thank you for coming on. It's is raining so much that now it is hailing. getting darker by the minute. now i just want to hide away and cry so much. i am tired.

yep, it is so hard to see myu therapist every few weeks especially now leading up to the end of my sessions with him.

I actually just emailed him to ask him if i did do what i am meant to do in therapy could i still see him.

that's bad isn't it? i just never learn. i guess i am trying to 'hold on' to my sessions as long as i can. but the end is coming soon. and i don't know if the transition is going to go okay.

That's a good idea @Zahlia

@BlueBay - pull down all of the blinds and turn on all of the lights - and know we all care

You know what - I am getting on in years and though they are steps - I have 7 great-grand-children - and I still wish I could have had a mother who could show her love for me - but she didn't and now she is dead

And for many years my father let her rule the roost - but eventually he did want me back in the family - and I feel terrible for you that your father has dementia and you can't see him because of your mother

But I so understand how you feel about your mother - I know - I really do know - and I often wonder how a mother could treat their child the way your mother has treated you and mine has treated me - but there is something wrong with them - and both of us have been betrayed - and it is terrible to be betrayed

Your mother sounds like a real number - and I get this too - while she is alive you can still hope - but after they die - that's it

I suffer too - I am further along with my therapy - further along in my life - and I can see and I understand my mother was damaged too - which only explains her bad behaviour - but my logical mind makes sense of that in some way - explanations are not excuses - they are only reasons - there is no excuse for your mother to be such a bitch

It would be great to be able to sit together and have a chat and a coffee - but I don't think that SANE allows this from what I can gather - but yes - it would be great

You are not alone in the bad-mother-department

Dec

Hi @BlueBay

It's understandable that you want to try hold on to the sessions for as long as you can, your in a state of desperation so you emailed him. It seems scary moving into the unknown, but once it happens, you will feel more comfortable and settled...

and yes @Decadian your right, SANE doesn't allow personal information to be shared between members unfortunately. So virtual coffee and hugs it is 🙂

Zahlia

@BlueBay

Group hug .....

💗💕❣

@Zahlia

Yeah I know we can't catch up for coffee. just saying.

I think you're right, it was desperation that I emailed my therapist. I can only hope that he says 'yes'. But I am sure he will say no; so more hurt for me. why do i keep doing this to myself - self sabotage; self harm?? My therapist told me today that I don't want to get better; i think he is right.

@Decadian I know you really understand my pain because you have gone through it yourself.

@Faith-and-Hope thank you for the hug

Hugs to you all xxxooo