inconsistent behaviour

Ohh my @Herewegoround are the days getting more and more my friend

Sitting with you my friend xx

Hi @Herewegoround

I just wanted to reach out to welcome you to the forums - it’s great to have you here 💜

Thank you so much for sharing this part of your story with us 💜

As I listened to what’s been happening for you, I could hear so many powerful emotions and I also got the sense that perhaps there are times when you find yourself walking on eggshells.

The relationship that you share with your daughter sounds incredibly complicated and just from what you’ve described, I can really appreciate how anxious, confused and powerless you may be feeling not only in terms of what’s happening, but also in terms of finding a way to address the issues that are causing you considerable distress 💜

In my experience, it can be incredibly difficult not to feel as though we’re responsible for the way that people behave towards us and I think that it’s great that you’ve been able to consider that your daughter’s behaviours may be in response to other things that are happening for her.

However, although having a level of insight can help us to be able to appreciate what may be happening for our loved ones, I’m also painfully aware, that this alone doesn’t protect us from the hurt and distress that can often occur as a result of these interactions 💜

As I sat here thinking about your relationship, I noticed that you shared ‘this has happened before.’ As such, I just ever so gently wondered if you’ve found anything helpful in the past and / or if there’s something that you feel would be helpful for you now?

Absolutely! Consistency is one of the needs that we all have and it’s completely understandable that this is something that you need in the relationship that you share with your daughter 😊 In my experience, consistency not only helps us to strengthen our connections, but it also enables us to build trust - which is an essential ingredient in all of our relationships.

Although it’s not possible to stop anxiety (I really wish that it was) it is possible to learn how to take care of ourselves during these times, so that the anxiety that we’re experiencing becomes more manageable and doesn’t completely overwhelm us 💜

For example, when I’m feeling anxious, I find it helpful to create a safe and comfortable space for myself, where I can watch one of my favourite DVD’s or listen to some music that complements how I’m feeling 😊 I’ve also found it helpful to immerse myself in some creative projects and as such, I bought an adult colouring in book and spent some time bringing the pictures to life with my coloured pens and pencils 💜

In addition to the above, I created opportunities where I could physically remove myself from my environment, as this provided me with some much needed respite from everything that was happening around me. For example, on some occasions I went for a walk in a nearby park and on other occasions I visited the ocean, as I find that there’s something incredibly soothing about watching and listening to the rhythmic patterns of the waves 💜

I noticed that you shared that you love spending time in your garden and as such, I just ever so gently wondered if this could be a place where you can go when you’re feeling anxious and overwhelmed?

Also, just while I remember, one of the things that really helped me when I was new to the forums and still finding my way around, was that if you would like to chat with another forum member, or reply to one of their posts, place @ in front of their username just like I did at the start of my post to you i.e. @Herewegoround that way, they will receive a message that you have contacted them 😊

I hope that this helps you a little bit and please remember that you’re always welcome to reach out here whenever you need to 💜

Take kind and gentle care of yourself,

ShiningStar 💜

@ShiningStar @Shaz51 i really don’t understand what happened today. My 14 year old cat who I’d had to the vet a week ago had blood coming out of her mouth. I called the vet organised and .appointment for today. After breakfast my daughter went to her room. I sat in the back room and cried and wailed like a banshee, catastrophising about my cat. She is my last life line. My daughter closed both doors as not to hear me. By the way this cat was hers and mine and slept with her before she left home. I was so worried I opened one door and called out if I could have some support to which she replied no! I said why and she yelled no and turned up the music.

well I went to the vet came home and my stayed shut in her room. The original incident occurred at 11.30 am. I did not engage with her, did not open the door. I continued with what I had to do. She emerged around 3.00. She gave me the frost treatment walked to the kitchen. I said I had food she would not talk to me. I said tell me what I’ve done, I don’t understand. She made a cup of tea avoiding me went into her room came back. I kept asking don’t frost me like you did work, tell me what I did help me understand, I probably even mentioned to help my mental state..... I touched her arm she hissed don’t touch me. She said ok I won’t have anything to eat and took her keys, rushed out the front door to her car. I called I have food to which she replied go to hell.

Can anyone explain to me what im missing.

im sure she will eventually come back and I don’t know how or if I can handle the ice treatment. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what her next move might be. Help!

@Herewegoround

Hope she comes back and realises she is being difficult to live with.

There are intergenerational issues and just plain sharing living space issues.

There are the issues of making allowances for people suffereing from times of ill mental health.

I have had to develop a bit of a teflon coating to survive. I was very sensitive and needed to learn ... NOT to react, but steer a steady course.

I have had a period where I had that kind of discussion at and through the bedroom door. My son was a teen at the time, and it has rarely gotten that bad in last 5 years.

Maybe hold to some expectations about communicating about food so there is basic daily communication, respect and no waste... she understands enough ... to want to benefit and save for her own mortgage.

Feelings oh oh ... feelings ...

For some weird reason ... that song came to mind .... ...lol ...

Also there are the generational aspects .... where she is younger ... but some level of maturity can be assumed ..... they definitely do not want to be babied ..... getting that balance right is like walking on egg shells ....but what else can we do ...

I think it alright to ask her to lift her game a bit .... maybe discuss ... how much give and take ... the realtionship can sustain.

There is also the fact.... they have to grow their own wings ....

but should not bite the hand that feeds., even if she turns her nose at one meal ... its a general attitude.

Hope your cat is alright.

Take Care

Apple

Thank you @Appleblossom . You write so very well and it sounds like you have had some experience in this difficult landscape. I think she actually knows she’s difficult to live with as over the years she’s thanked me for putting up with “ all her shit”. I just wish the unexpectedness of these freeze outs didn’t hurt me so much mentally.

Yes I agree about meals. Even though she once told me she was releasing me of my motherly social anxiety in regards to making dinner, I told her it was something I wanted to do not something I felt I had to do, it’s my pleasure. What I didn’t say was, even though at times ,you can see the pangs of I want to be in my own house doing my own thing, she actually is living with me.

what you say about the balance is true egg shells all the way. She wants to do things until she doesn’t. I feel she is scared of falling into old comfortable ways. Sitting watch tv with me = she is a child again= she has no independence.

i don’t think any discussion with her is a win win situation. A friend who has known her all her life told me she’s a difficult person to live with and that with any thing I say I’ll never win so better off keeping quiet.

My cat has a massive ulcer under her tongue and teeth problems. Poor thing it’s hard for her to eat but she’s trying.fingers crossed she’ll keep improving. I still haven’t been able to tell the daughter what the out come of the vet visit was, for a cat she once loved that’s pretty shit.

thank you again for taking time to reply it means more than you could ever know.

Sending you lots of tender hugs my friend @Herewegoround

Got my fingers crossed for youfurbaby

Just wondering if your daughter is taking her meds if she is on any

As mothers , we go with our gut feelings @Herewegoround

My step S2 had been diagnosed with ADHD when he was younger but last year he needed more help , so now he is on anti depressants and anti anxiety meds

@Appleblossom , @Former-Member

@Shaz51 @Appleblossom @ShiningStar @BPDSurvivor

Opinions please this is what I’m thinking of saying tonight if she gives me the opportunity if not I may just talk though the closed door, I may even text it to her. I’m done waiting I need some resolution, I’m sick of all the power being on her side but I’m also scared of having a blow up that would make me sicker.

hey hun can I have a minute. I’m trying to find a win win situation out of this atmosphere. I feel your frustration and you have every right to it as I know it must be difficult being here after 10 yrs in your own space. Please don’t ignore me , communication is a step to finding something that suits us both.

I feel a toxic atmosphere and no one can be healthy in that and we both want to be healthy .

how do we move forward from here?

i really want to tell her what the atmosphere does to me ,how it creates exactly the opposite to what she wants, how it leaves me anxious and in constant flight or fight mode that it makes me focus more on her rather than less but alas she doesn’t want to hear any of that, she’d see it as my problem not hers.

@Herewegoround

Not sure how she will respond, given the mood you have described. What you say sounds utterly reasonable, but I have been rebuffed a lot given similar statements. Fell on deaf ears.

Wish I could be more optimistic, a lot depends on her willingness.

My health became a lot worse given living in similar conditions, and I had to set a BOUNDARY. Generally I am not a boundary person, and tend to try and bridge all things with goodwill and love, but I really had to accept that I had to develop a firmness in myself NOT to be buffeted so much by my adult children, no matter what they said or did. Find some inner line ... which you can hold to, and detach when things are frosty. I think part of it is their need to separate from us and their lack of ability (for whatever reason) to negotiate their own "launching". That said, there are western notions of what is appropriate separations, and often other cultures are more at ease with multi generational living, and do not take it with so much "shame", but what is simply necessary and economic good sense.

Sometimes being too kind or gentle can actually set up a dynamic where the other seems hard hearted..Sometimes being breezy or matter of fact, can help shift the dynamic.

Definitely make some statement, anything that NEEDS to be said.

Not sure how your house is set up, but I tend to withdraw form what I call his end of the house.

We had a shared love of our cats too. Give her space to get her act together, and manage it on your own, then I hope you can share "cat stuff" later.

Mother child "dyads" will always be uneven in many ways ... it is def not 50/50 ...yet there is a quality about it that is a great privilege for us mothers. Protect yourself, you do not need too much fallout from her growing pains.

There is a bit written on rigid and porous boundaries that I found helpful. My kids having quite rigid boundaries, and me never being able to develop any, and being too porous. Later as they mature, they will be more receptive to love.