inconsistent behaviour

@Appleblossom @Shaz51 @ShiningStar @BPDSurvivor Well Apple your lack of optimism was well founded. She stormed off when I told her the atmosphere making me unable to eat. I wasn’t going to say that but I did. Saying something like your not blaming me and also said that I don’t know how hard it is ,after my understanding how hard it is being here statement.

she came out to get some food and I told her I didn’t blame her it’s just what happens.I asked her to tell me how hard it is. She responded I come out of my room and get all of this shit. I said you won’t like this but can you put the ointment in Sooks mouth, she said no I don’t want to help you with anything I said it’s for sooks I’m putting her under undue stress( it’s a two person job) she answered no....as I was asking her to talk she yelled stop telling me what to do! Hmm isn’t she dictating to me what to do.

I respected her room and did not enter but I have texted . “ it’s not your fault. Communicate what your needs are tell me how hard it is. Tell me what I need to do to find a mutually beneficial situation. I will stop focusing on you. We need to say it .please. I’m not blaming you, I’m not saying it’s your fault. I don’t know what I don’t know. She hasn’t read it but she will, eventually and i now wish I hadn’t sent it as she will still say I’m telling her what to do. Personally I think I’m asking her to help solve a problem.

people say why don’t I ask her to leave but I cannot do that as her father demanded her and her then partner leave this house around 6 years ago. It was n ugly scene and It was a trauma for her which she doesn’t need repeating.

i actually don’t know how long I can take this though... will she eventually disclose...is there a way of phrasing things that would help. Eg how do you want to move forward....what are your ideas??

i find it hard to believe that last week she was telling me the only person she wants to talk to when she is sick is me.

Sorry about all that. @Herewegoround

It makes sense you want an feeling of affection and appreciation and she has expressed it before and so probably will come back to it. Maybe you could tweak it this way or that, but I honestly do not think that your phrasing is the problem. It sounds as if when she is in that mood, she does not want to engage.

I try not to get too verbal with my son and avoid arguments, but sometimes, we have to say what we need to say, whilst living in our own home.

My children have had me begging and pleading and apologising for decades. Lately I am over it and not wanting to let them get me in that position. I have been told I give my power away by a few people. I am beginning to feel I have some rights. You have rights.

Its sad about the cat tho. My son and I bonded over our cats, and one needed daily medication for a year before he died. My son did help me, a little. Eventually I figured out a way to do it on my own, by wrapping the cat up in a towel and holding it like a baby and having pill ready to pop in back of throat. It seemed the quickest and least traumatic for the cat.

We cannot control how others behave to us. Sometimes pushing can be helpful and I know mothers who do it. It is not something I have had success with. I keep expectations simple. When he is well, I hope that good moments and good experiences filter through and give a basis of respect for himself, for others and for me.

Things we can control and things we cannot ... is often put in a circle

There are similar and more complicated versions on the net ...

I keep having to do little exercises all the time.

Thank you @Appleblossom @I appreciate your words. You definitely know what I’m going through. For the first time last night I found it hard sleeping. I woke in the early hours of the morning determined I was going to break her rule and engage with her in the morning before work, I was going to.... so many things went through my head. I read your post and then started to read about boundaries, that I need to respect her boundaries that I can only state my boundaries when she is open to listening. I also read more on passive aggressive which states never withdraw speaking to someone as it’s worse than a physical punch. That validated that it is wrong that she gives me the silent treatment. Well I changed my mind I always new it would lead nowhere just put fuel on the fire. In the morning I did go and get my tea she moved to the other side of the kitchen no words were spoken. When she left I said see you hun which is and has been the usual beginning of a day ( when she is receptive she usually says it first)

i want to stop thinking about this I want to say this is her problem forget about it , do what I have to do but I find my self constantly over thinking ,working out different ways to speak to her I cannot get her out of my head it stops me focusing on what I’m doing sometimes I add a little extra worry that might happen. How do you get to that point where you don’t do this?

Anyhow I have my son and daughter in-law coming for dinner tonight. I want to focus on that.i did manage to tell my daughter and explain that it was organised last week them picking tonight because there is no work tomorrow, to which she uttered sneeringly “oh great”. I now worry that she will not come home or that see will ruin the evening...I’m trying to let that go that’s my warped thoughts. Knowing they would be here tonight is what gave me the courage to speak yesterday it really is one of the few things keeping me together.

@Herewegoround

Keep focussing on making a lovely evening for your family. Glad you have that.

I had to make some statements even though I know my son was not 'ready to hear', because I had to highlight things outside his knowledge and understanding and somehow inject change. I really do not like to give advice ... so take anything I write with a grain of salt and act from your own perspective.

Your concern about daughter's possible negative actions, maybe justified She has expressed it, but fingers crossed she will manage herself properly. Let it firm your resolve to manage the evening well and your daughter without fear or favour, but focus on the positive outcomes ...if she steps out of line maybe its time to suggest she seeks therapy or other "help".

@BPDSurvivor @ShiningStar @Shaz51

Hi @Herewegoround @Appleblossom @Shaz51 @ShiningStar and others passing.

Just wanted to invite you to tonight's topic Tuesday which begins in about 30mins (7pm AEDT). Click here: Topic Tuesday // Supporting loved ones living with BPD // Tuesday 25th January, 7pm-8:30pm AEDT

We invite all, especially carers for this chat.