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On the edge

On the edge

I'm having a very hard time right now. I'll try and keep this short, but it will probably get long. Sorry.

A few months ago I was diagnosed with autism at 55 years of age. Up until that point I didn't even really know anything at all about autism. If I had known the slightest thing it would have been glaringly obvious that I'm autistic and my entire life would have made a great deal more sense.

I got the NDIS. Finally felt like I would get the support and help I have needed my entire messed up life. But after just one meeting with my support co-ordinator, everything shut down for xmas and I have been feeling incredibly alone ever since.

My husband is American and his mum is in the hospital over there and going into a nursing home upon her release. He is going over there for a month to get her affairs in order and visit with family. I stopped going with him on these trips years ago due to the stress it put on me (not understanding I was autistic and just thinking I was overly sensitive and 'precious'). Now I can't really go cause I have animals to look after here.

I have no friends. My parents are gone. My 2 kids live in QLD (I'm in Vic). I haven't seen my new grand-daughter at all since she was born and haven't seen my 2 year old grandson since he was born right before covid hit. I am in introvert and gave up on friends a few years ago after too many painful experiences. This doesn't really bother me when I have my hubby around and my best friends all have feather, fur and wool. But it became very apparent to me when I was doing my NDIS application just how dependant on hubby I am.

He told me maybe a month ago that he was going to the US in March and I was not happy about it, but OK with it. He usually goes for 2-3 weeks. I hate it when he is gone. It is really tough but I get through. This time I had spoken to my support co-ordinator about putting supports in place for his absence and I assumed I would have time to have some sessions with my pysch before he left, just to get my head on straight.
But then his mum got sick, and now the trip has been bought forward to this month and he will be gone for an entire month. I'm freaked out.

I will have no time to have counselling before he goes. I don't want a support worker right now cause of Omicron. As it was I live in a small rural town and would have to drive 45 minutes to go see a support worker, which I already wasn't thrilled about. I'm alone. I'm completely isolated. I'm scared.

I contacted Amaze via email and they sent me some resources around suicide prevention. I am honestly scared of what I might do alone for that long. I'm scared I might get covid and then there will be no one to take care of the animals. So I plan to stay away from people and shops and everything to protect myself.

I understand why my husband has to go take care of his mum. I'm just really worried about him going to the US right now with all that is going on there. I'm afraid to be alone for a whole month. I tried talking to Suicide Call Back via chat but no one was there. Due to my autism I don't do phone calls or skype or zoom or any of that stuff. Lifeline is also not great for that same reason. I just feel really let down and abandoned, which is not good for someone who is adopted and already has massive abandonment issues. I know people have to have a xmas break, but why now!! Why did this all have to happen now.

76 replies

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In response to: On the edge

Re: On the edge

@Zoe7 I work from home as a stock photographer for iStock and Getty and any time I am not looking after my animals I am shooting and editing pics. It's my hobby and my passion and my job.

I love art too but wasn't that great at painting (except for walls) and so photography is my art. I'm currently learning how to shoot and edit video's, which is fun and very challenging. I also like gardening. We build our house a year ago so in the middle of establishing new gardens. I have renovated several houses in the past which I really liked doing but we have a new build now so not much to do on that front. My hubby is the sports nut. I used to like cricket. Even played it when I was younger. Used to be into NASCAR for a number of years cause of my hubbies American influence. He's a baseball fanatic. I never could get into baseball. What sports do you like?

I just love nature and spending time in the bush or by the nearby lake. Birds are my true passion and trying to capture new species on 'film'. Caught me a wedge tailed eagle the other day. That was a real thrill.

In response to: Re: On the edge

Re: On the edge

Oh I love what you do for work. We have a wonderful Community Guide here @Shaz51 who is an amazing photographer so I hope she drops in to connect with you too. We also have another amazing member @Adge who keeps a wide variety of birds and is our resident expert. We also have a social thread called Everything Birds that you should check out.

I have done a fair bit of work on shooting and editing videos but we also have another member @Mazarita who does it for a living. She is not on as much as she used to be but I hope she finds the tag and can connect with you too.

I bought a little cottage about 8 years ago and it needs work so I am doing it bit by bit. Nothing structural - all cosmetic but parts of it takes a lot of work. The biggest job so far was rebuilding the old fireplace several years ago - I sealed it and built in a shelf to turn it into an entertainment area - my proudest job 👍

I love cricket - especially the big bash - Hobart Hurricanes is my team. I also love AFL, tennis, soccer and NRL. I used to play softball and basketball but I do not follow them now. I do also like gridiron and baseball but am not a big follower of them nowadays either. Never been a fan of motor sports nor golf - find them both boring lol

In response to: Re: On the edge

Re: On the edge

Just saw you photo of the Wedge Tailed Eagle @Molly22 (can sometimes take a while for photos to be cleared). They are so majestic I had a child in one of my classes that loves birds and would have loved that photo.

In response to: Re: On the edge

Re: On the edge

@Molly22

i have a red cattle dog x staff so I can understand what a high energy dog they can be. When you mentioned your trip to the ocean and only going for 2 times out of the 3 weeks, I just wanted to let you know that the way you described it, you were focused on the negative. Unfortunately, you can train your brain to only find negatives and you will develop neural pathways along with those thinking patterns.

This may be a hard challenge, but can you tell me something that was positive out of that 3 week trip to the ocean?

Also, just because you were diagnosed with autism, does not make it who you are. It has and will always be a part of you, but just like a person with an arm removed, we can still find a way to adapt ourselves and live a positive life if our headspace is in the right place.

You mentioned you loved art, pictures and videos but you can't fix a fence? Has your husband got any friends that can help out during this time, or could you advertise on-farm sitting Australia for help in exchange for a place to stay while he is gone? I know I am proposing solutions for you, but i just would like to know what you would be open to and what would be a positive experience for you while he is gone.

If you think it's going to be all doom and gloom, chances are no matter how good an event that comes along is, you are going to think its all doom and gloom any way.

In response to: Re: On the edge

Re: On the edge

@Zoe7. haha.. my hubby likes golf. I think it is literally watching grass grow 😂

In response to: Re: On the edge

Re: On the edge

Thank you @Zoe7 for the tag xx

Hello @Molly22 reading all your messages here and I think you are awesome my friend

My niece has autism but she is only a teenager, she loves animals too

I love your picture of the eagle, he is beautiful

I and my husband love photography, I love taking photos of dragonflies, butterflies, birds

Also like doing time lapses

everyday photo experiences which make you grateful / happy / laugh is a great thread to click onto and to share and to look at

Do you like reading or doing puzzles?

And There is usually someone here anytime to talk to if you like to chat xx

In response to: Re: On the edge

Re: On the edge

@AussieRecharger Sorry, I wasn't clear. We lived by the ocean back then. I could see the ocean from my front window which I really loved. But we also had very close, VERY loud neighbours which I didn't love. And after my dad died there, I just couldn't stay any longer and we moved out to this farm. No more ocean, but lovely 360 rural views which I adore. And no neighbours!!

What I meant was, I would sit each evening and see the sunset over the ocean from my loungeroom which was always a two edged sword. It was gorgeous and I loved it but I always felt guilty that I wasn't out photographing it, since photography is my living. But sun sets at dinner time, or after my bedtime in summer, so I had planned to go out when hubby was gone, since I no longer was restricted by any schedule. I could have gone out every night for 3 weeks, but only ended up going twice. On the two nights I did go out, I got some phenomental shots, so that was awesome. But still feel guilty I didn't take more advantage of the opportunity I had.

And yes, I can be very negative. I have always been that way. I call it 'realism' but I can see how it can be intrepreted as negative. I need to work on that.

I can't fix a fence only because I'm not very strong. I have physical limitation and whilst I am smart and can certainly figure out how to do it, it usually comes down to a matter of strength. And hubby has no real friends here either. He knows a few people from work (local supermarket). But he is semi-retired and we are just not sociable people. In reality, I could ask the farmer across the road, whose sheep we paddock for help in a worst case scenario situation, but I am just not the type to ask for help. I am the first to give it, but the last to ask. My morbid fear of phone calls doesn't help with that situation. I would sooner just suffer than actually ask for help. But if something really dire happened and the animals were at risk, of course I would seek help then.

I am an insanely private person and people (even family most of the time) aren't really welcome in my home. I named my house 'sanctuary' about 25 years ago because it perfectly describes how I see my home. It's my safe space.

I hear what you are saying about doom and gloom. But on past trips of hubbies, I tried to see it as an opportunity (in various forms) and that just wasn't the reality of it. Hubby is a very 'toxic positivity' person. I was very into the Law of Attraction for like 30+ years, so I totally hear what you are saying about projecting positive thoughts on to the situation. Guess life has just knocked that out of me. 🥲

In response to: Re: On the edge

Re: On the edge

Absolutely agree @Molly22 ...and I would rather watch grass grow lol

Thanks for popping in @Shaz51 and letting Molly know of the photo thread - you 2 have a lot in common 👍 You should see some of the photos Shaz has put up here Molly - I think you both will inspire each other in that area.

Just for the record @Molly22 - I agree with Shaz - you are awesome and I am really having a great time connecting with you

In response to: Re: On the edge

Re: On the edge

@Shaz51 Glad you liked my eagle. It was a real thrill. I couldn't believe how close he let me get to him. I see them all the time flying above but rarely get the chance to see them up close.

I would love to try time lapse. I like to shoot anything in nature really. Birds are my fave but I love dragonflies too and basically all animals really. Since moving here 2 years ago I now think I have the worlds largest sheep portfolio. I didn't know how much I would love them, but they are so fun to be around.

What do you time lapse? I used to want to get into astrophotography but I'm always in bed before dark which is kind of prohibative. 🤣

I do like to read. Haven't done much in the way of puzzles of late but I always have several books on the go at once. I have a very short attention span. Wouldn't be surprised if I was ADHD (something like 80% of autistics are). I rarely finish a book. Something else grabs my attention and off I go.

Love you avatar!! What a little cutie.

In response to: Re: On the edge

Re: On the edge

@Zoe7 I won't lie.... that one bought a tear to my eye. Thank you 😘

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