@Zoe7 thank you for the reply. I agree that so many have such a difficult time at this time of year. I have always struggled with xmas. Firstly cause of being an undiagnosed autistic person and not understanding my sensory issues, but also because of being separated from family and just feeling lonely.
I will definitely get the SANE chat a go. Thanks for the suggestion.
I am worried about a few things in my husband's absence. Just being alone is one of them. I do enjoy and actually need some alone time every day. But everyday alone for a month is a big ask. I get scared at night. I live on an isolated property and I have joked (only half joked) that someone could break in and murder me and no one would even find the body for months. I have fallen on the property several times, even with my husband at home and no one heard the scream. I don't usually sleep when he is away, and a month is a long time to be that tired.
I would appreciate having people to talk to on this forum, just so I don't feel quite so isolated. Even now, having to hide my feelings about his trip as best I can (not doing too well unfortunately). He already feels a tremendous amount of guilt for leaving me, but his mum needs him so I'm caught between a rock and hard place. But having somewhere to vent now and then will be a great help.
@Bow I had actually thought about having a support worker phone me. I am better on the phone when it is someone I know. Better still if we have spoken in person previously but that might not be possible. My husband will phone me everyday he is away but to be honest I both love and hate those calls. I always end up sadder after he gets off the phone. And he is a really emotionally cut-off person, so the calls are very 'matter of fact'. Just basically telling me where he is and what's going on. I can't exactly tell him too much of my own struggles alone cause that just makes it harder on him. But I might see if I can get a support worker to phone me maybe a couple of times a week. Thank you for your input.
@AussieRecharger Hubby does so much for me that I didn't even really realise it until I had to break it down for my NDIS planning meeting. He does all the shopping cause supermarkets are a nightmare for the autistic. But I have already figured out that I might just order online and get stuff delivered since I don't want to be travelling during Omicron. He walks our dog up to 3 times a day because he is a dingo hybrid and can easily pull me over. He helps me with the animals and does all the 'man' things around the property. I live with chronic pain and only have a few 'good hours' during the middle of the day when I am much use to anyone. I guess I'm lucky it's summer and the grass is all but dead, so that is one less thing to worry about. But it also means supplement feeding for the sheep which is work. I think it's just knowing he is here. If something goes wrong he fixes it. If a tree falls on the fences, he fixes it. He makes phone calls for me. Handles the finances. Takes care of a lot of day to day stuff.
I do wish I had a project for whilst he was gone. Something to focus on. In past trips I have set my mind to achieving things, which in reality I have never achieved. And I think is why this trip seems different. Apart from the really long time frame, I have just come to realise that him being away really SUCKS and no amount of trying to trick my mind into thinking 'oh yay, I can do whatever I want when he is gone, I can watch what I want on TV, and come and go as I please and do whatever....' none on that kind of thinking actually works anymore, cause I have lived this too many times before. The last time he visited the US which was 3 years ago, we were living in a town by the ocean and I told myself that I would go out every night and photograph the sunset and it would be awesome. I only went twice in 3 weeks and I was miserable the whole time he was gone. I'm just a wake up to my own mind games now and nothing seems to be making me feel any better.
@Dimity I would love to hear from my kids more often. My youngest is not at all talkative and I am lucky if I get a two word text message every month. And I always have to text first. My eldest is in contact more often. He has the young kids, so I do get pics now and then, and he has a habit of phoning to ask to borrow money. I have a rescue cat who has been my best friend and the light of my life for 9 years now. She is my closest confidant and my soft place to land. I have a rescue dingo hybrid who has turned out to be much more work than I ever anticipated, and pretty much nothing I ever wanted in a dog. I love him to bits. He had a really rough start to life and was near death when he was rescued, so I really feel for him and feel like I can relate to his story. But he is not affectionate. He seems to love my husband and only tolerate me and I have no idea why. He requires a lot of walking cause he is one big energy ball, and I just can't keep up with him. He is a real handful. I lost my labX 10 years ago and she was the love of my life. Took me this long to be able to get another dog and I really wanted someone who would kiss and cuddle me and snuggle with me in bed and love me and being very 'dog like'. But that is not what I got. He is very boisterous and I bruise easily so my body looks like a war zone. I am hoping that some time without hubby around might give us a chance to get to know each other on a different level. But hubby usually walks him at 5am, and again around 6.30am and then again after 9. I can't do that. So that will be a challenge for both of us. We have two pet sheep. One we rescued after she had been attacked by a dog almost a year ago. We are still tending her wounds. Everyone wanted to shoot her in the head but I couldn't let that happen. So knowing nothing about sheep, I decided to take her on. It has been one huge emotional roller coaster. Every time I think we have finally gotten her well she has a set back. But she is happy and limbs around the paddock. She is sweet and she loves cuddles and attention and I love her to bits. My husband has been giving her her daily injections of antibiotics and anti-inflammatory drugs, so I am just praying like crazy she can get well before he leaves. But we have been doing this since last March, so that is scary. We adopted a friend for her from the local animal rescue, a ram. He is HUGE. He is the single biggest sheep I have ever seen. And he knocks me off my feet often. He is a handful as well. And we have over 100 merino's in the paddocks. They don't belong to us but the sheep farmer across the road who just lets us borrow them to keep the grass down. But lately a couple have been coming through the fence and eating my garden, so that's a worry too. And we have families of native birds that live around the house and love our birdbaths and we put seed out. I adore the little birdies. I'm just a massive nature lover at heart.
@Former-Member Thank you for your input. I am so appreciative of everyone who has responded. I think I need to make the effort to interact with others on the forum and maybe even get out of my own head long enough to be of help to others. I have talked with my pysch via email before. I can't really handle any kind of zoom or anything like that. But if I am honest I think just connecting with other people who have experience with struggle is far more helpful. My pysch is a lovely young girl but she is the same age as my own kids and there are just somethings she is not able to understand. Not that there is anything wrong with being young. But unless you have gone through some serious crap yourself, there are just things you can't learn from a book. If that makes sense.
Whilst we cannot fully understand everything you are going through we can listen and be that soft place for you to know you are cared about and supported.
