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no choices

seamusunseanSenior Contributor24 Sept 2016, 6:05 am AEST

no choices

Gday im 45 just coming out of a divorce where my children have been systematically taken from me after being a stay at home dad for around seven years. My ex walked out claiming she was living a single life anyway . I kept the kids but started to struggle when she locked me out of our joint account . I was in shock and not copping . Her parents bought her a new house . I was struggling to keep food on the table and pay the bills when i decided maybe it would be best if the kids lived with there mum who had financial backing of her parents . Thats when the lawyer letters started claiming i was mentally unfit to see my children...anyway long story ive basically lost every thing now with a 20,000 debt and still dont get to see my kids ...the courts dont even seem to care about anything i have to say im constantly agreeingto her demands to at least get a supervised visit or phone call....now im giving up feeling like the system agrees with her and im better off out of the picture ...ive started saying goodbyes to friends and family ...my heart constantly aches for my boys ..ive missed so much already ...sick of crying and cant function...last ditch effort.

179 replies

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In response to: no choices

Unknown userMember08 Dec 2016, 1:19 pm AEDT

Re: no choices

Hi @seamusunsean, it sounds like you are feeling very low right now. It seems like a very good time to look back over this thread. There are 15 pages of people caring, supporting, advising and listening. People who can see how extraordinarily tough it is for you at the moment. There have been some great suggestions along the way. I really think it's worth a revisit.

One of the benefits of going back is that you'll also be able to see that you've moved in and out of this despairing place - it's not permanent - emotions and circumstances shift over time. Maybe not dramatically but enough that you've found a way to keep going. I hope that there'll be something in the thread that will speak to you this afternoon and make things seem a little easier for you.

In response to: no choices

seamusunseanSenior Contributor08 Dec 2016, 1:30 pm AEDT

Re: no choices

I started this thread not to seek help because i beleive im beyond help...wanted to see if there was a patern ..triggers...so yes i do go over them quite frequently...thanks for caring ...the tears are getting less and im becoming more buisness like...did imention my father threatened to punch me the other week because i wouldnt let him in my front door 87 year old man id be wrong whichever way i went hit him im evil dont hit him and let him hit me again....story of my life now ya getting the picture?

In response to: Re: no choices

AppleblossomSenior Contributor08 Dec 2016, 1:58 pm AEDT

Re: no choices

I believe nobody is beyond help. I hung out in orphanages and so did my dad .. so we had seen a lot.

The only help that really works is from within the self.

Sympathy, pity or the rest of that stuff doesnt really work until we can look inside and find reasons and the strength to keep going from inside our self.

I got that you come from a dysfunctional family, @seamusunsean and your father was a poor role model. You also have said that you cared for your boys for many years. Many people can turn patterns around .. in some way. It was smart to post even if it was from seeking self awareness and posts and triggers. That is smarter, IMO, than actually expecting help. Figure out your patterns & triggers and a path often appears to lead you out of the confusion.

I dont believe anyone is really evil.Your father probably had a shit of a life too, though not making excuses .. just seeing context. This is a tough country to survive in, and it has bred a toughness in people. You know the saying .. about when the going gets tough... I think about the swaggies and going walkabout ...

In response to: no choices

Unknown userMember08 Dec 2016, 3:01 pm AEDT

Re: no choices

@seamusunsean, 'leaving forever'??? what is that teaching your boys? Do you know the message it will send them? There's no way I wanted that hanging overy son's head for the rest of his life. Its something people never forget and I he stigma is strong. Are they up to carrying that load? No, i fought and fought through flashbacks, abandonment, tears and more teas and loss of purpose... I fought for my son, even though he had trouble being around such a sad mum, i knew this would crush him. Do you know your boys well enough to o see it.

When my girl I as suddenly taken, first week of height school, the school chaplain visited us several times. He eventually told me he list his dad to suicide, found the body, and to this day struggles with PTSD & depression and following his dads example. He was 26 and still struggled with it. A lovely young man with MI dad to contact when he graduated, or found a bride or had his first baby. He knew his dad wasn't perfect but he always loved him and it has left a hole in his spirit nothing can fill.

I know you want to end the suffering, take the easy way out but I also hear some 'payback' overtones. Trust me when I say this is not the way when your own flesh and blood bear the consequences.

Fight, rebuild your life, start with your GP or go into emergency and tell them you are suicidal, imminently! and need help. They have a duty of care to preserve life and help you through this.

Please keep sharing, get some of the anger out. I know its so hard.

"And when you have done all you can, stand, stand your ground" Don't give up!
xox

In response to: Re: no choices

Unknown userMember08 Dec 2016, 3:25 pm AEDT

Re: no choices

Hi @seamusunsean

It really sounds like you are battling with a lot right now. I get a sense of your pain, hurt, anger, frustration and sadness, such a lot of feelings and emotions.

You have been able to move through parts of your life where pain has felt unbearable but you have made it through. I'm reflecting this back to you in hope that it inspires you remind yourself that you can do this, we believe in you.

It's great to see you on here and willing to share what is going on for you at the moment, taking the steps to keep yourself moving. This reminds my of something from the movie Finding Dory, have you seen it? "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!" (that part always makes me smile!)

As you know self care is always important but especially when we are feeling overwhelmed. What self care practises do you do for yourself @seamusunsean?

Take Care,

Pebbles

In response to: no choices

espritSenior Contributor09 Dec 2016, 7:48 am AEDT

Re: no choices

Hi
I hope your doing ok. Again the only thing you can control is your own self. You choose how your going to be. I really hope you can find the strength inside of you to re build your self and find some equilibrium. Be strong and kind to yourself. Give yourself some time to heal. Get well and figure out what you can do to be the best you can be. Kids want to see us as strong, happy so we can be there for them. Do your best and know time is what it takes.

In response to: no choices

seamusunseanSenior Contributor09 Dec 2016, 7:25 pm AEDT

Re: no choices

Received a letter have an appointment with a councillor to make a family report to make a decidion about the future care welfare and development of my sons at the end of january ....anxiety already starting ...im gonna lose my kids ...still cant move off couch....dont know what to do...

In response to: no choices

seamusunseanSenior Contributor16 Dec 2016, 9:10 am AEDT

Re: no choices

Still on couch ..hardly left house ..phone cut off ..every 3 to 5 days it seems to be mood changes..anniversary of when i met girlfriend ..have a photographer friend prepared to take santa photos because i helped them but ex says no not without supervision...gave my car to a friend who had hers smashed into she has 5 girls so definatley needs a car lol ...hoo roo

In response to: Re: no choices

AppleblossomSenior Contributor17 Dec 2016, 5:39 pm AEDT

Re: no choices

Glad you posted to let us know you are hanging in there .. somehow .. and even able to lend a hand/car to another in need.

Hooroo to you

In response to: no choices

Unknown userMember17 Dec 2016, 6:33 pm AEDT

Re: no choices

hello @seamusunsean

hmm just read your post.

have been reading from the beginning.

you have survived one major battle.

i have major depression have had it since i was young. i know how that tug feels. the numbness. the fog. the darkness. overwhelming no energy. never going to get out.

youre here and im here and many others on here too. Not lessening the intensity in any way trust me.

Custody battles with children are unrelenting, potentially harmful and debilitating for all.

The children count the most. The children will hear when you tell them that you love them. They will remember they might look as though they are not interested or change the subject but they do hear. That is their coping strategy.

I'm not sure where you are at with the amount of time that you have with them. I was just thinking all throughout reading your agony that the strongest part for you was that you were concerned that they might not love you anymore. Tell them every time you have contact every time so that it rolls off your tongue as you give them a huge hug. Write them cards. make them cards. write some loving thoughts in the cards. when you do see them do silly things together, outdoor stuff. laugh together. roll around on the grass together.

I am so proud of you and I know that your children are too.keep writing to us. we want to read your story.

ps forget this "dont waste your time thinking about me and mine" stuff. dont want to hear that.

do like hearing " ill get there somehow i just follow my heart".

As for returning the kindness someday you already have, you have trusted us fellow sufferers on here. thank you

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