Children not communicating

Love your comments @utopia, @Kurra. Unfortunately, "just another man" doesn't quite cut it. X still has influence - over my children and in that way over my life ... and I am not ready to face him on a 1:1 basis. I'm still scared.
On the up side I visited X's 87 year old sister (an RC nun) yesterday arvo. She is a very direct, sensible person, whilst she was very protected in all those years living in a congregation with no earthly worries.

Through her I had found out that X had not told anyone in his family that we are divorced. Right at the beginning she asked me how it came that I settled in Tasmania after living in Queensland and why I didn't come "home" meaning Germany, of course. I looked at her, tried to look into her for what seemed like ages to me pondering whether and how much of the truth I could tell her without hurting her and shattering her image of her brother. I did decide she and I deserved the truth. More or less as expected she dismissed what I had said about me being suicidal as a result of DV as utter nonsense, saying that I am an intelligent woman and should have engaged him in conversation and stood up to him. She wouldn't have let a man walk all over her. Thank you counsellor for coaching me in appropriate responses - I said that I could totally understand that this would sound incredible unbelievable to her, but asked her to read some articles on the subject. After that we went for a cuppa and talked of something else. Later on I sent her some links.

This morning she sent me her response in an email. First she told me how happy she was that I had visited her. Then she said that hearing my experiences and reading the articles had made her very thoughtful. The long and the short of it is that after reading the articles she actually believed me. She ended by inviting me for another visit before I fly back. I'm not sure at all how her understanding of my situation will make any difference; perhaps it won't. It may sound silly, it does make a difference to me knowing that she believes me.

There will be a tomorrow.

I agree with you @Ffm48 that the "just another man" comment.. doesnt cut it.

As I posted elsewhere .. my ex walked into my house today ... we have been separated 15 years .. neither of my biological children realise how much negative influence he had .. or how much for the positive that I had.... it does go further .. into the extended family ... and has had dire consequences on all our relationships.

I still endure it .. as in this evening .. hostility and abuse of my professional qualifications and skills .. and insulting comments /// from my son ... they were generated from the father issues .. it is not in my past .. and I am sorry my son has to wear some of the responsibility now ... most of it I let through to the keeper ... just on the odd times .. I speak up ... so that he gets the idea ... it is not appropriate .. his gf wouldnt tolerate a bar of it ... but as mum ... hmmmm.

I do not appreciate .. Americans and middleclass people who then run down my son as an individual ... but do not acknowledge the SYSTEMIC ELEMENTS (gender/ethnic/economic power & privilege) that have produced the situation.

I will defend him .. but ... I should never have had to put with one iota of it...

@Ffm48 I hope your connection with your SIL is fruitful. I had some connections with all my exhusband's family .. but in the end it was all too traumatic for me ... to keep up appearances for them and keep extending Australian hospitality for them ... though one SIL visited my current house .. she was very clear about the "HOUSE" and "HOME" difference ... a little insulting about it given our different backgrounds .. never felt the insults at the time ... too busy being diplomatic .. only on reflection ... it is what it is.

Your posts are deeply insightful and SUBTLE .. and make me feel less alone .. thank you

You betcha it was emotional @utopia and I know I wouldn't have been able to cope without all the counselling and coaching I have had. My friend still checks in on me every day to make sure I'm okay. He started that again since I'm o/s. I think I'd be lost without that and the support I get from this forum. I just found trying to find the balance between telling her enough for her to understand and not so much to hurt her or to put her off. I agree with you, her understanding might filter through to the family.

When I'm back home the chances that X will walk into my place are next to nil. He won't travel the 20k to get there. At a stretch he might pay for the flight, but he would want not go into any form of hotel accommodation and I made it quite clear I wouldn't put him up and he has no friends any more. My sil has always been the only one ine the family with any empathy at all, very much down to earth considering.

I'm so sorry that you have to go through all that pain @Appleblossom; it's just heartbreaking. Sending you much love and strength.