Struggling and not being heard.

@frog @Owlunar @BPDSurvivor @Former-Member @Peregrinefalcon

Last night I was struggling with the things I need to do today and tomorrow. Wondering if it is the right thing to do to apply for the VRO to follow the police protection order which runs out tomorrow afternoon. Might be common sense to everyone else, however for a person that is going through it, there is alot to contend with especially when the abuse has been heavily laden in psychological and spiritual abuse.

I decided to look back on emails. I'm glad I did because it helped me to make my decision to go ahead with the application for the VRO today. If I don't have it, I definitely will have less chances of being safe. She is not going to stop without the law telling her what she is no longer allowed to do. I want to feel safe and I want to at some stage feel free in many areas of my life. Two things I did not feel at all in the relationship.

It's going to be a big two days and taxing on me. Emotionally, mentally and physically. I wish people would stop saying be strong, you got this, you can do it. It's not helpful. People may mean well, it's just not helpful. It's do easy to say the words, it makes me wonder if that makes people feel better? It doesn't make me feel better.

PF

Hi @Powderfinger

It is not at all pleasant to have to go to court for any reason -it doesn't matter how strong you care or not - it's just plain horrible. I have been to court several times - the worst ones were the children's court when my son was in trouble - I am strong but those days - no - I was not - we never know what the outcome will be or how things will stand in the court - I really hear you and I will be thinking of your tomorrow - actually I can feel those now ancient feelings of churned tummy remembering - I will be with you

I am glad you told me that it was a same-sex relationship - it doesn't matter at all to me - it does help me to understand though. I had a friendship with a woman younger than myself many years ago - just female friends with same-age children - we did a lot of things together and had a lot of common interests and also - we had fun.

She was jealous of many things I could do esp my university studies - part-time - she told me I had to stop - it was taking too much of my time. As was my delinquent son. I am not sure what she expected me to do about him but still - things started to go sour between us - I am not an easy person for someone else to control and we split up - unpleasantly as you have I think - but we were not in a sexual relationship - at that time I was totally unaware of this happening at all - it just never occurred to me

Long story short - years later I was out for morning coffee with my male friend and I was aware she was in the same court with another woman and I told my boyfriend - he wanted to meet this woman so we went out and - later - he told me they were gay - I thought - so that's what it was - I never knew - I wonder all these years later if it would have made any difference if I had - but we can't change the past and anyway - it had become bitter

But I do understand so much more of what you are saying and the pain of the loss of a female friend you loved and were in love with - so much of a difference there

For your future well-being and safety you do need to go ahead with your decision to have a VPO - so hard - I do understand - I really care about that - I wish I could be with you in person but alas - we can't do that - I will be thinking of you though -

And I am sending my best thoughts

Dec

@Owlunar

Hi, very long, sad and stressful day so I am replying quite late. I have to agree with you, court at any time for any reason is truly plain horrible. To be honest, I actually do not want to go at all. I do not want to be re-traumatised while going there for a traumatic reason and I strongly feel that is why I am swaying to saying yes to the FVRO and no to the FVRO. Another reason is because I had absolutely no intentions of even going for a VRO. I assumed I had to because the police issued her with a three day order. I did not ask the police to do that, they decided. This feels like it has happened all so very fast and I was not even prepared to go through this because it was not my decision to in the first place. I do absolutely commend the police for doing their job though. I have no issue with the police.

This is truly so hard on me and I want to cry and scream. I have been feeling like that for days yet have done neither. I cannot cry at all and I cannot scream. I just go numb and quiet. I am so traumatised and having to make such big decisions when I should not be. They do constantly tell people that have had a major breakdown that stress and pressure is not something to be dealing with and making big decisions should not be done at all. The mind is already so beyond its capacity to cope, hence the breakdown in the first place and then someone comes along and says right, here you are make a big decision. I wish someone would understand how the heck I am feeling!!!! Nobody seems to have a clue. Nobody seems to think that I have CPTSD and that could be playing its part here too. Then today, I decided to a 3 month suicide program here where I live because those thoughts are just not going away. They have been with me for over a week every single day. I cannot do therapy and the program at the same time. That was discussed with my counsellor today.

Anyhow - back to you. Going to court for childrens issues are extremely hard as well. You are correct with saying that you just do not know which way it is going to go. It is stressful being there in the first place and then on top of it the stress of not knowing how it is going to end up at all plus the aftermath of it all. I truly understand and it does takes its toll.

I prefer to be open about my own sexuality and this is one place I can be. I also do keep that part of me and my life private as well. Not everyone needs to know. Come to think of it, I feel sad that it even needs to be a decision I make. Heterosexual people don't have to think hmmm.... I wonder if I should keep that part of my life private or not. Who should I tell or who should I not tell. In situations or circumastances, do I say something or not say something? A bit of a headacje really. LOL. I laugh to make humor out of something serious that is actually true, just like a comedian would. I am sad and hurt enough.

Reading about your story you shared, I must admit I am slighlty confused. You say that it was a female friend and no sexual relationship. I see nothing wrong at all with two female friends who have a lot in common, same age kids and that you had fun together. That is pretty normal and OK.

Well her jealousy, friend or lover was not OK as you know. As you said later on you found out that she was gay. You never knew that she was though. Do you think she was a jealous friend or she saw you as more than a friend even though you may not have known that and was wanting more of your time? As I said, jealousy and control was not OK as you know. I feel if you had know she was gay, it would have made a difference to the situation. One little change in fact, can and does change things. However, now it is in the past and it doesn't really matter now, you have both moved on. In saying all of this I acknowledge that it would have hurt losing and letting go of that friendship.

I read this article and this is so much of what I truly feel. Not very popular, yet still the way I feel. My heart still hurts so much and this is another reason it is making this decision so much harder for me. Torn between the good person I saw and eperienced and then the absolute 100% abuse. Very conflicting for me on so many levels. Deep down in me, I want to cry for her because she had a chance to have an amazing life with me, I cry for her because she knew she was loved very deeply by me. The memories hurt deeply. Her asking me, if I planned this, planned for her to fall in love with me and then hurt her? Cut into me DEEPLY when she asked. Her telling me, she knew when she first laid eyes on me that I was going to break her. Again, cut into me DEEPLY. There is many other things she said and did. In those times, I really just wanted to hold her and say stop. You need to stop. I am here to love you, not hurt you or break you. In those moments, I didn't do that because I was hurting myself. What has actually happened is she said and did too much for me to go back. I know I cannot be with her. I know. That hurts too. Part of me wants to know she is OK. I know that sounds CRAZY. Most people would not give a damn if the other person is OK or not.

Yeah, well you could be with me in spirit. I guess that SANE has these rules for their own good reasons. I am sure many people feel and have felt that way on SANE. It is the thought that counts anyhow.

Thank you for sending your best thoughts my way. Oh and it is Wednesday that I fo to court now as it is full tomorrow.

PF

Hey @Powderfinger ,

Hope you are doing okay, just noticed some mention of thoughts of suicide sticking with you over days at a time there. Are you able to reach out to SCBS or Lifeline if you are needing to have a chat? Just dropping a friendly reminder as I'm wanting to make sure you are able to stay safe as this is important to us, and that you can always call 000 as well if needed.

With the upmost care and gratitude,

Otter

@Otter

Thanks. I will be fine. I have numbers to call and people to contact if I am not coping.

PF

Hi @Powderfinger

You are carrying so much on your shoulders right now and I think it is commendable that you are getting up everyday to face the day.

I really resonated with some of your recent posts about mixed feelings about an abusive person in your life. I was abused physically and sexually by my brother. Parts of me hate him. But there are also very loud parts that still view him as my hero and protector and best friend. I tend to ignore the abuse in my memory anytime a positive thing crops up. And removing him completely from my life helped so much to allay that confusion, as difficult as it was and is. it takes time but it does start to shift eventually, I promise.

Sittting in this with you.
- periwinklepixie

@Former-Member

I'm sorry for what you endured from your brother. It is and would have been a traumatic and very painful set of events to go through in your life.

I can no longer keep getting up like I have been every morning and facing the day.

I knew this was happening to me.

https://www.tikvahlake.com/blog/warning-signs-of-an-emotional-breakdown/

Unfortunately no one else spotted it but me. I am feeling very ANGRY right now.

Thank you for your post.

PF

Hi @Powderfinger

I have been thinking about you today and wondering how things are going for you - it is not an easy time for you at all and actually proves what a sensitive and caring person you are -

There is no need to make a huge decision because this is what other people would do or would say. You need to feel okay about it yourself - and I have been through times when I wanted to scream and cry - for my son actually - he had all sorts of emotional problems and feeling numb might have been better - I had a feeling I knew the worse would eventually happen and it did - maybe you feel the same - I just hope you are okay - really - whatever you choose to do

Of course you don't want to hurt your ex-partner - and you want to know how she is - how she is going - you want to let her know and understand she could have had a great life with you - I think I understand - I think - that's all - I am 78 and have a huge life-experience behind me - I seem to be very young for my age too - strange -

The woman I spoke of and I had a great friendship - except I am straight - yes - it seems strange - heterosexual people seem not to need to come out and say it but I am one person who feels the need sometimes - I had no idea about my friend's sexualtiy - it never occured to me - in fact - when I was younger I never thought much about it at all - life is changing though

So - my friend could have had a great life with me - I was older and pretty savvy about life - I grew up on a police station and learned about the darker side of life naturally - my Dad was a career policeman and the information rubs off.

Toward the end of our friendship my friend became demanding and tried to control me and like my mother and other people she thought it was too much that I had to care for my son who was a handful and study part-time at university and sometimes work. No one ever thought I shouldn't work when I did but university was something everyone was so forceful about and this made me more determined and I continued for years and graduated with honours - this is among the best things I did with my life and the loss of a person I really did enjoy was a sadness - if I had known her sexualilty I don't think it would have bothered me but - um - I think it might have bothered her. There is much I don't need to say and I am sure - more that I have forgotten

So - I have been writing these things to let you know that yes - I am aware of what you are saying and what I think I am reading between the lines. You are torn and don't want to make a decision that will further traumatise you - I understand - so give yourself time and see how you feel in a week - or longer - she what she does. It is possible for us to forgive what people do to us - we never have to allow them the chance to hurt us again. We do have a choice with both forgiving and maintaining boundaries. We have to learn about these issues too

The person who betrayed me is my sister - she lied to my parents and my daughter and if she can tell three really bad lies she can tell more - I know the truth because my father told me before he died. For my own sake I have forgiven her for so much but with her last trick it was the end of any relationship I could have with her. I am several years older than her and I broke away from our controlling mother - she did not - I think she was jealous

So - forgve me if I am reading too much between the lines - I may be wrong but I can hear your words when I read and they bring back my memories - which is okay. Be kind to yourself and make these decisions for yourself

And try and love yourself - that is not a selfish act at all - at the end we might be the only person we know and who knows us

My best thoughts

Dec

@Powderfinger I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling like each day is so difficult to face. I am really glad you're reaching out here on the forums. We see you, we hear you. Feel free to use this space to talk about your anger - like any other emotion, it is better when it is expressed!

@Jynx

Thank you. Expressing anger is healthy if done healthily. At this stage, it is not a good idea for me. I am not sure if you have heard of a mental breakdown? I am in that space. That is what is happening for me. Expressing all my anger will not put me in a good state. Timing is very off. I will at some point, just not now.

PF