Hi @Owlunar
These days are seriously mysterious times. I had an epiphany today. Now only some thing make sense, a lot still doesn't. In the relationship I was in, I went through further spiritual awakening. It was very intense. She went through it too. I'm not so much focused on her right now, more myself. There were a lot of spiritual experiences that happened to both of us as a result of being in a relationship. Sadly, that was what also tore us both apart.
My point is though that it changed me having those experiences. It kick started something in me to really look at myself, my life, my beliefs, what was no longer serving me at all, my truth and who I really am. Now I can understand why I don't know myself very well anymore. It's like my life and me is under examination. That is the only way I can describe it. That is the spiritual side of things.
There is also another side though that yes absolutely there was abuse. That is definitely undeniable. There is also the fact that I truly was deeply in love with her. It was different to any other relationship I had ever had and so had never felt this entirely with anyone else. It's very difficult consolidating my individual spiritual experiences, the experiences we shared on a very deep soul level that we couldn't deny, the fact that it wasn't just deeply in love, I was in love with her soul and her and then there was the abuse.
I decided not to go ahead with the FVRO. Things fell apart yesterday with the DV support and the counsellor. I'm thankful for the help they gave me initially. I have decided not to go back. I had a session, first one with the trauma and DV counsellor yesterday afternoon. After the session I felt even worse than how I walked in. I definitely felt uncomfortable, very unsupported, a complete lack of any compassion, understanding, empathy nor validation and a complete dismissal and minimisation of things I was expressing. That was enough for me to say nope, not for me. I don't need more damage at all.
I also realised yesterday afternoon that mentally I am not fit for court. It took me a while to realise I'm not mentally fit for court. I feel strongly in my gut I made the right choice for my physical and mental health. I know very well in myself I could not have coped with court in my current state. I also had the DV support worker and counsellor drumming into me that I need to remember that the magistrate may not grant my application. That was what tipped over the edge to cancel my application. I couldn't take anymore. With my poor mental state and that being said to me numerous times I just thought this is not worth it. I bad no fight left. Just none. I didn't care anymore. I'm too tired.
I don't know how I feel towards her so I've stopped thinking so much now. I'm not well. I know I'm not. I'm just trying to get through each minute. I have a friend staying with me at the moment to help me out. It's my only friend I have. She is so good to me and I'm very blessed to have her.
Life is ever changing Dec. It doesn't matter what age you are, life changes. People don't always change when life changes, however life changes. I'm sure this memory had made you ponder. I'm sorry it didn't work out with you and your friend earlier on in your life. I hope you went in to make other friendships you treasure.
I actually watch a lot of crime shows and yes lived what I would say in the criminal world a bit when zi was younger. Seen some pretty dark things myself and being a crime doco can, Ive seen some things.
I was involved actually engaged to a woman who was in and out of prison. It's a tough life for the parent. She stuck by him though. Naturally I was her partner so made the best of it myself. It wasn't easy at times though, especially when he was out and would re-offend again. Really hard. On top of that you maintained going to Uni and graduated with honours. That shows one incredible person I believe.
Even though you are straight, I can tell you that if you got into a relationship with that friend back then, your relationship would have been just the same. She would have more than likely became even more controlling and demanding, possibly escalated into other behaviours as well.
Right now, I'm putting any major decisions on the shelf. I'm tired all of the time, and just trying to get through everyday. I have very little expectations of myself at the moment and it helps to lower my stress levels and pressure on me. I need to give myself this time and do what I need for me. I know it. I need some peace.
Cutting off from having any relationship with a family member has its own pain even if it is the action that needs to be taken. I don't judge. I've had to do it three times with family and it's excruciating and very hard to go through. I can empathise with you. Betrayal and lies can sometimes just be too hard to see past or get past for some people. I don't believe there is any wrong or right.
Sometimes enough is just enough huh.
Thanks for writing and yeah it took me a bit to reply as I didn't want to just write a few words in return.
Hope you bad a good day.
PF.
