Connect with people who understand what you are going through, seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.

47,612Members
1,358,869Posts
1,400,000Visitors

Defining our Personal Integrity

DecadianSenior Contributor03 Sept 2016, 2:06 pm AEST

Defining our Personal Integrity

This was written in another thread and has really found a place in my ideas

So I thought I would start this thread to help us work through this

What our our personal boundaries?

What is our personal integrity?

Other things - our values, those things we respect - how do these issues affect other people? and Who Cares?

For the best part these issues are private - the people here care a lot about each other - but in public - let's say for now it is probably a good idea to work and rework these thoughts until they are really part of our conscious day-to-day enlightenment - and from there - save our comments until they make impact

One thing I have learned is letting some people have the last word - it is incredibly powerful - and defining our intergrity - our boundaries - to ourselves and when ready - to other people - is one good place to start

Okay - to give the due process to the person who wrote about our personal integrity - it was @Former-Member - but the idea is so great I think we can discuss this separately and see where it goes

Decadian

29 replies

11 - 20 of 29

1 2 3

In response to: Defining our Personal Integrity

DecadianSenior Contributor07 Sept 2016, 7:55 pm AEST

Re: Defining our Personal Integrity

Hi @Former-Member

I have lived a lot of years and learned a lot and my values have changed a lot during that time

I still think it's often best to say nothing until I have thought about it - but we don't always have time for that

About my TS - yes - to maintain my integrity around that woman it is better to keep my mouth closed - if I have something to say it can turn ugly - but in the privacy of my own home I can feel bloody miserable that TS is like that - but another thing - I am never going to have it any different with her and she is the only person I know with such an acid tongue and probably I am the only person she uses it on -

Well - maybe she is in sore need of a whipping post - I have her on the edges of my life

Yes - I do feel badly when I don't let people know what I think - but boundaries and integrity can change and grow in some areas and become less in others. Our position in life changes - and as the years pass I don't have the need to be aggressive as I did when I was younger

The bottom line - I know the truth. I can keep this to myself or let other people know - and times either can feel wrong. But truth is immutable - if I maintain my truth - no matter how I feel about my expression of it - the truth will keep me honest - I try hard to be honest - whatever I say

And if people are convinced of their own truth - nothing we can say will change that - we have to allow other people their boundaries too

It's a complicated idea - but we learn - we change - we grow

Good point

Dec

In response to: Defining our Personal Integrity

DecadianSenior Contributor07 Sept 2016, 8:21 pm AEST

Re: Defining our Personal Integrity

@Appleblossom

Yes - it is complex - and in the face of predatory people - people venting what is partly true - for them - what do we do?

Aw - I had a predatory taxi driver yesterday - he asked too many questions and I told him to mind his own business - and when we got to my place he invited himself in for lunch - I laughed at him - and he seemed hurt and wanted to know why I laughed - and I just laughed some more and thanked him and got out of the cab glad to be rid of him

I use taxis a lot - I could report him but this would cause me more bother - I have his name and taxi number - I have avoid him in the future - so what does one do?

My integrity is intact - I have not been offended - I am had to offend - I have not been damaged in any way so I can let it go - but would everyone? I think he thought he was being clever but I have had a bunch of taxi drivers give me a bit of trouble here and there through many years - I can't report them all - I had to get the police once for dangerous driving - and I think they took me seriously because I don't have a habit of complaining.

A woman has to be careful - my past has taught me this - and in the face of people being rude or offensive - then the next question has to be about -

DIGNITY

Decadian

In response to: Re: Defining our Personal Integrity

Unknown userMember07 Sept 2016, 8:45 pm AEST

Re: Defining our Personal Integrity

Hey @Decadian,

Im afraid dignity eludes me, I feel like I have very little dignity these days. I have more chance with integrity 😊.

i guess it's interesting that the integrity conversation came to be about standing up for ones self and finding boundaries. I don't necessarily see it that way but more about the way you choose to live by what you value. I guess there are blurred lines with this otherwise it wouldn't really be up for discussion.

I have become so very sensitive to people's judgements these days. A friend said that the media has created a society that encourages us to make very quick judgements about people. Reality TV and social media has a lot to answer for in this arena as does sensationalist headlines that are full of judgement. I try very hard to put empathy in place these days before I make judgements but I'm human and catch myself from time to time making judgements without requiring more information or time to think through the facts.

And yes I think @Decadian sometimes speaking up or doing something about inequality in all its forms can give you the greatest integrity but I don't think it's an essential ingredient of integrity.

In response to: Re: Defining our Personal Integrity

DecadianSenior Contributor07 Sept 2016, 9:01 pm AEST

Re: Defining our Personal Integrity

It is complicated @Former-Member - that's why I put it up for discussion

As I said - things change with time - I have learned to have a degree of dignity later in life - something I value now

But I am not a snappy dresser - I get a good haircut every few weeks but I don't wear makeup -

Dignity is very much a personal thing - an inner value - something unseen most of the time

Dec

In response to: Re: Defining our Personal Integrity

Unknown userMember07 Sept 2016, 9:09 pm AEST

Re: Defining our Personal Integrity

Yes @Decadian. I don't see dignity as a physical thing either. I think I shoot off too much in the mouth sometimes to have dignity, possibly swear too much sometimes too.

I guess my gut reaction about dignity, which is not an educated one by any means, is about the way one deals with complicated situations. That is where the real dignity lies for me. I'm afraid I'm too reactive and emotional and everyone knows exactly what I'm thinking even if no words have been used. I think dignity is about being calm and cool and thinking through a situation to keep everyone's personal pride in place.

In response to: Defining our Personal Integrity

KurraSenior Contributor07 Sept 2016, 9:21 pm AEST

Re: Defining our Personal Integrity

For me integrity is about holding true to my values and being prepared to stand up against what is clearly wrong. Wrong in a way that any reasonable person, giving due consideration to the prevailing circumstances would also deem to be wrong. Being prepared to stand up and speak up regardless of what the ensuing consequences might be. A long time ago I was present when a number of people were speaking in a derogatory manner using totally inappropriate language about some senior people where I worked at the time.

I advised this group of people that their discussion was totally inappropriate in all respects particularly since the staff members were not present to defend themselves. I then excused myself and removed myself from their company.

I subsequently spoke to each senior person advising them about what people were saying and the type of language being used. A day later a meeting for the whole area to discuss respectful and appropriate behaviour in the workplace.

I was certainly not particularly popular and was certainly the recipient of some very black looks but it did pass with time. To this day we have all remained friends.

This is just one example of what integrity means to me. To put the shoe on the other foot I apply this same standard to myself. I truly lost my block at work one day. My behaviour was totally inappropriate in the workplace and as a result I reported myself.

Dignity is another core value for me. I recall a meeting to discuss serious bullying against me as the target. During that meeting the perpetrator started screaming at me and kept doing so. I drew the meeting to a close even though I wasn't the Chair, excused myself amd left the room. I did not raise my voice at any time. This I believe to be an example of dignity.

I'm sire that in both these examples judgements were made about me. That was not my problem unless I chose to allow other people's opinions to affect me.

In response to: Defining our Personal Integrity

utopiaSenior Contributor07 Sept 2016, 9:56 pm AEST

Re: Defining our Personal Integrity

@Decadian. I always thought I was assertive in my private life - but I've recently discovered I was more of a yeller - a demander. But I never did that at work.
So my lessons at the moment are how to be assertive without being a bully or throwing a fit. I'll get there. I'm better already with being calm and communicating with my boy. So I'll learn how to do it in a work environment.
I like your comment about Integrity means living your values. I think once we can live our lives with our values as an a full part - that is when contentment, joy and quality of life improve.
I can't wait to keep adding more areas that incorporate my values. - eg: work.
Some people are just judgemental, sad people who get energy from putting others down. Others are just not educated / or unaware their words hurt.
This is one site we don't see that. I love it

In response to: Defining our Personal Integrity

utopiaSenior Contributor07 Sept 2016, 10:20 pm AEST

Re: Defining our Personal Integrity

@Appleblossom. Your testing my memory now. Lol. My psychologist was using the example of: my values being *equality*respect*trust*compassion etc. He asked me to imagine myself going on a first date (haven't been on one since forever).
How can I determine if this date / man has the same values as me?
The answers we both worked out was:
*How does he treat me
*How does he treat / speak to others - like the waitress etc.
*My gut instinct - do I feel safe - is something off
*I could mention a show I saw or an article I read - say on Muslims or gay marriage - without saying what my views are - to see if he values equality for all as highly as I do.
*does he genuinely listen to me when I'm speaking (respect)
etc etc. It's the idea of confirming what my top 5 core values are. How friendships, love relationships etc need to have at least 4 of the 5 core values the same. Especially in a love relationship.
The same can apply to a job interview.
The boss may speak nicely to me, but speak in a rude manner to other staff.
He may not really be listening to my answers to his questions. His body language may be the opposite of what his mouth is saying.
Then this is not a company I would work for, because he has shown disrespect and is not trustworthy. I'd decline the job
My future employer doesn't need to share all my values, but having been hurt in my last job, where they just straight out lied to me and didn't protect me, I need to work in an environment where I do feel respect and can trust my boss. And therefore be comfortable asking for what I need.
Tomorrow's session we will be talking more about the workplace environment and assertiveness.

In response to: Re: Defining our Personal Integrity

Unknown userMember07 Sept 2016, 10:24 pm AEST

Re: Defining our Personal Integrity

Cool post @utopia might have to favourite that one for future reference , I just learned how to do that today💜😊

In response to: Defining our Personal Integrity

utopiaSenior Contributor07 Sept 2016, 10:34 pm AEST

Re: Defining our Personal Integrity

@Kurra @Former-Member @Decadian @Appleblossom.
Dignity. I think it means being true to yourself and your values. I can (& have) go to the supermarket in bare feet & old clothes, no makeup (never wear any more) & hair quickly tied up. But I still have dignity - for a few reasons.
1- I don't care about clothes or appearances - I don't judge people by this
2- I am still helpful and courteous and chat with those who need a chat.
3- I'm polite to those I meet - regardless of who they are.
So I can hold my head high - because I'm a good person

11 - 20 of 29

1 2 3