Defining our Personal Integrity

Great idea @Decadian

INTEGRITY means wholeness ... and that our experiences are included in our personality in a way that is manageable and enables ongoing adult responsible behaviour.

Holy holy holy ... but no sainthood ... and WHOLENESS and integrity are all related for me.

saint and sinner intertwined ... to bring about personhood ... shadow side and light good side ... to be one whole SELF.

The big problems for me were the many imperatives to be silent ..

1) that I did not have right to speak ..

2) or if I did .. I was speaking about traumatic experiences ... which either retraumatised me or betrayed my mother's sense of her self.

3) that I damaged my reputation and career path due to other's premature judgements about me .. if I spoke

4) the strain & pain about NOT speaking about the people I loved ... kept ... things churning around inside.

5) Playing piano helped me go on and develop skills and hold body and soul together ... but I could not speak my truth...

6) Singing helped me keep my mouth working and attached to said body & soul .. I needed a few years of that before sufficiently integrated to be able to tell my story ... still a WORK IN PROGRESS.

Fascinating subject @Decadian. I can relate to your "imperatives to remain silent" completely @Appleblossom. This thread has given me so miuch to think about. I'll come back.

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@utopia wrote:

Another issue I can struggle with is blatant racism. As my son's father is from a different culture and dark skin, I feel I need to be proactive in not just protecting my child, but in educating others of their harmful comments. But some people are happy in their ignorance & I'm learning I have to hold my tongue more often than not.

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Hi @utopia

I almost forgot I started this thread - it was the day before my computer decided to retire and it was leave it alone or lose data and then I would have to leave it alone

What you wrote about your son's father being from a different culture and race - I also had this problem with my adopted son and relate to the boundaries and your intergrity protecting your son from harmful comments.

Really - this is an area where people should just keep their traps shut - it has nothing to do with them at all but they can't help having something so say

My son turned out to be of Australian Indigneous Background - I would not have adopted a child from this background I do admit - but seeing as this happened I believe it was meant to happen but still

They - the people - would be in my home for a coffee or a meeting and they would see my son and say "Is your husband dark?"

SQUAWK!!!!!!!

I would feel angry and then say "Keep your voice down will you! He's an adopted child and knows he has dark skin"

We have to establish boundaries but the next question has to be - "How do we enforce them?"

Remember - all this for me was over 30 years ago - but I can see his photo from here and remember how distraught my son was - having comments was not helpful. My family was not helpful - they would comment too - and even now - I know my TS does not admit to his aborignal background but it tore him apart

And no doubt - it does not matter what the world thinks and they do not have a say - it's what your son thinks it was what my son thought - and what he felt -

Racism still seems rampant even in a society that wants to feel good about itself

We can learn about our boundaries - but we have to teach others to respect them - and this requires forethought and a firm attitude and a quiet voice - all hard attributes to aquire

I agree with a policy of silence - this can put up a wall - this can establish a boundary - after all - if the discussion on one side ceases maybe the argument must

All the best with that @utopia

I really do understand

Decadian

Hi @Ffm48

I learned the imperitive of silence young - TS (Toxic Sister) was very young and snippy - and would get me into trouble with our mother and I would have no redress - our mother has died but still TS is not someone I want in my life

However - blood being thicker than water - means it is stickier too - we have a lot of elderly people in the family still and no doubt there will be family funerals and I will see TS there and maintain my silence

When we were children my father told me often and I live by it

"If you are in the right you don't need to argue. If you are in the wrong you can't afford to. You are in the right and you know it"

Of course peace at any price is no peace at all - but maybe it calmed the waters for a time - but years later I know that giving the other person the last word is powerful - it can leave them furious with out a target - I will continue to deal with many things in this way

But sometimes we do have to speak out - but I like to think about it first - and is it worth it?

Only when we have a wrong to right, only when someone is so destructive it cannot be left unsaid - and even so - only when there is a way to the light.

Our boundaries - yes - it is interesting and not at all an easy subject

I am glad you are coming back

Decadian

Hi again @utopia

I missed your comment on Work Place Issues - and there has to be more said about that

For 3 years I worked in the office of a large multi-national company - big complex - and although I was everything others were not I had a degree of popularity - because I was full-time casual I had time to go to the university when I needed to - it worked for me in spite of the pressures

However - one day two men who were of a different background entirely told us that they were our representatives of their background in this our work-place

Uh-oh!!!

I committed myself by standing on my desk and asking if we needed such represenation. And quickly got off my desk thinking "I've said it now - how quickly can I escape?"

I didn't have to - that was brilliant - I had said what everyone else wished they had said and to this day - I think of this as a good idea

There is too much work place discrimination - and the bosses can be the worst - I am tall, female and Anglo-Celtic and there were few people there with such dubious qualifications - I suffered for it - and so glad to this day I stood up to overt comments

But also glad I kept my head down and worked hard. I kept working in this rather hostile environment for 3 years because it suited me - when it no longer suited me - I left

Boundaries in work-place environments are not at all easy - what we have to do to earn our daily bread - and that's why we work - oh dear - what a clutter boundaries make, and what great improvements they can bring - over-time - when we have worked through the dogma that women and their inferior place in society

This is not an easy subject - I am sorry I seemed to abandon my thread - I am glad people have posted here - let us indeed define our boundaries, our integrity - our rights as women in particular must be perpetrated

Decadian - shoving the soap box out of the way for now

Hi @Decadian

I've been meaning to get back to respond too.

integrity to me is living by your values. It sounds easy but not always to do so.

Some thoughts. Sometimes your values change so that may mean you've lost what some see as integrity.

Secondly what happens when your values come into conflict....from personal experience you implode, well I did. The biggest contributor to my breakdown is that I had two of my biggest values come in conflict. There appeared no way of me living with integrity with this. Long story short I was lucky enough that eventually that was no longer an issue.

I think this is really important to consider for everyone but especially when there is mi struggles as we need to remember our values and try to keep them alive when we least feel like it for us to have our integrity remain. This can be so very hard some days as many of us fight through the fog.

Unfortunately @utopia

There will always be people who judge - I had enough of it when my son was around - in fact - I wonder a lot about people and if there are any mothers who raise their children so society can approve

Oh &^%%$!! my daughter at two was clingy - and at church functions would hang onto my leg and stand on my foot whining - and I ignored her telling my judge and jury that she was sure to grow out of it before she went to school - and that was the easy kid - my son had the whole neighbour ringing my phone, knocking on the door - etc

Can't they leave us in peace - do they know better? I doubt it

We have our rights as parents and that is to raise our children with dignity and quality time - it worked with my daughter. She does well - she is a fine person

There must be a difference between you and your son - but that is no one's business.

Yes - that's so - but your son will learn - he will develop his own values and own dignity as you teach him that by treating him that way

And work - yes - we need to be assertive there - I was - but overly so once - and yelled they could do their own bloody creditors ledger and walked out. They sent someone out after me - wow -

But I do not recommend losing one's temper - I did - that day - they really wanted me so they chased me - they might not have

Not easy to know the difference

Dec