Mm that makes it difficult. Im tempted to add him to my list now. I think it's important to communicate to your son that the responses and "help" he gets from his dad has nothing to do with your son and everything to do with his own issues. Perhaps he never got that validation from his own father--we tend to repeat behaviours... it's not nice, its not pleasant, but perhaps some clarity around the way his father responds to such sensitive issues would be helpful. Not defending the man at all, just for him to respond to his kid like that, there's gotta be something else going on there. People are complex.
Are you and the dad in a place where you can have an honest conversation about the impact his attitude has on your son? It's hard having conversations like that without it getting emotional though, but may be worth a try. I don't know, it's a tough one @Anastasia I can't say I know what a healthy relationship with parentals looks like really. I know my relationship with my Dad has changed a lot over the years. He's changed, I've changed. After his absence in my life, it took a long time for him to come around to having an honest conversation about all the pain he'd put me through. For a long time he'd dismiss it and not talk about any of it. That changed in time. Perhaps that can happen for your son and his dad one day too. I hope it does.
Perhaps when your sons come home it might be a good idea to do a bit of a debrief? Get everything out on the table and really talk through anything that may have come up while they were there. Are you comfortable having a conversation with both of your boys together? Having the other sons perspective might be helpful too?
I don't know. If they come back saying dad was a di*k then I guess having a conversation with him is needed. Sounds like your kids are old enough to decide whether they want dad around or not. The way he talks to them and supports them now, it's going to impact how much time they want to spend with him in future. A bit of a reality check never hurt anyone. Cause I mean if it comes down to it and seeing his dad is making it worse right now, might be something you have to put your foot down with.
Also, perhaps encouraging your son to speak up? Letting him know that the way dad is talking to him isn't ok? I know it's easier said than done but for his own sake, maybe telling dad he's not helping the situation and communicate how the dad can help would be good. He's his dad, I'd hope he'd want whats best for his boy, perhaps he just lacks the skill to effectively deal with the situation. Bit of guidance, bit of honesty, maybe it'll help?
I don't know, this perhaps isn't the time at all for dealing with things head on. But at some point, your son is going to need to deal with the reality of his relationship with his dad. Nothing is set in stone--I believe. But nothing can change if no one makes it clear that things need to change. I don't think the dad is being helpful at all, but I also don't think he would be intending to cause any harm. I think some people go through life repeating behaviours and things they learn from their parents, but it can change. If they're made aware of it. If he can sit with it, think about the impact his words are having on his son, and ask himself if it's helping or hurting.. I think he could do with a reality check, but if it doesn't change anything, helping your son to see he isn't at fault for the way his dad is behaving would be good. Your son isn't wrong to feel or think the things he does, and he does deserve the support he wants and needs from his dad. His dad is the one falling short, not him.
Dont know if any of that is helpful @Anastasia, I rambled. Soz.
