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A Friend in Need,,,,

A Friend in Need,,,,

I closed my poetry thread, no more poetry here.
I wasn't going to post either, but I feel the need to express this somehow or die a tiny bit more inside.
I'm guessing both will happen, regardless.

Today I lost a friend. Not to death but to human nature.
Or rather, as the quote goes:

"I didn't lose a friend. I just realised I never had one"

To me this is worse. Sadly I judge others by my own standards,and I give loyalty and honesty and trust beyond what is sensible.
Even less sensible, is the expectation that it will be returned in like.

In recent years I have come to realise that to .... every single friend really, I am not a friend, I am a convenience.
They only talk to me etc when they are bored and all their 'real friends' are busy.
They only respond to my messages or requests for help ( eg. Assistance moving house), in a similar way. As long as it doesn't inconvenience them or cost them anything.

This is how the world works. I know that.
People prioritise, and I rank low, if at all, on their list.
And that would be fine. Except for the fact that I have always dropped everything I'm doing to help each and every one of them.
I have given friends my last dollar and gone hungry.
I do these things repeatly, and almost always to my own detriment or inconvenience.

I recently failed a house inspection because I was busy working dawn till dusk helping a friend (of over ten years), prepare for theirs.
Their reaction when they found out? They abused me, said I was stupid, and a freak. That nobody does that. They said a lot worse before they terminated our friendship forever.
Because I helped them, instead of helping myself.
Without expectation of reward or returned favour beyond what standard friendship brings.

But I do do that. I will always do that, and I don't apologise for it.

I suppose it's foolish of me to think these things make our friendship stronger, that I might get what I give if I am ever in need. I guess I live In Wonderland after all.

But I feel sad that people often recognise that, and take advantage.
I thought this friend was different, but the truth always come out in the end.

As Friedrich Nietzsche said :

"I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on, I can't believe you."

In a way, I lost multiple friends. The friend I thought I had, the friend I could have had, and the friend I will never have.

It always surprises me that no matter how completely empty I feel inside and think I am, someone manages to find something new to tear out.

And people wonder why I prefer to be alone.

73 replies

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In response to: A Friend in Need,,,,

Re: A Friend in Need,,,,

@Former-MemberI agree with @utopia

It is a crazy society that marginlises its sensitives and creatives.

Because you care enough about another's misfortune you have a strength. It was horrific that a family excluded their daughter from being part of her father's dying and his funeral.

I actually pitied my husband which is why I married him, that got me in all sorts of trouble... lol

I dont do pity often, certainly nothing slurpy or sirupy. I dont relate particularly well to nice comments either. I prefer to get deeper. Your poems do go deep.

For a long time I thought I had lost myself The bigger problem being that I had lost myself rather than being lost to others.

The best I can offer is walking a path for a bit .. til our paths diverge.

We all carry our own weight and yarn a bit ... thats it.

I like the ideas behind this forum and try and push it along ... but the forum is only as good as the people in it ... the world does need .people who care ... but maybe you can learn to protect yourself more .. I am slowy getting better at it.

In response to: A Friend in Need,,,,

Re: A Friend in Need,,,,

Hi @utopia

I appreciate your comments, and I know what you mean, but you just emphasised my point.

People need people like me, maybe. To balance things, bring peace and help others.

But they only need us like they need petrol for their car.

How many kind, selfless people are wealthy CEO's? How many are living great luxurious lives they enjoy?

Not many I wager, because people need us, and they use us, and then they discard us.

I read a metaphor somewhere along the lines that caring is like..I can't recall I exactly, but let's say a hole. ( A positive hole). If you dig some out and give it away, it doesn't make your hole smaller, it makes it greater.

In reality, all it does is make the hole empty.

When we give of ourselves, that's what we do, give part of ourselves and hope it comes back to us enriched, or at all. But it rarely does.

We don't gain anything from people needing us like that, at least I don't, even though that's not why I do it, because if it did it for gain, I wouldn't do it , and maybe I'd be a rich a-hole CEO.

I'm just a resource. And like you said, people need resources. But generally speaking, resources get used and burned up.

And I'm used up.

In response to: Re: A Friend in Need,,,,

Re: A Friend in Need,,,,

Thanks @Appleblossom

I do protect myself if I need to, but usually, and in all those cases, I say nothing in return, even though I have soooo much I could say.

But I don't any more, because when I do, I apply a scorched earth policy, and there's a lot of fallout.

Ironically, kindness and often MI brings a greater understanding of people and how they tick, it certainly does for me. So as for burning everyone and everything (metaphorically) to the ground, I'm amazingly good at it, and at the end, the only one standing has been me.

But not any more. I may have been standing, but I wasn't unscathed, because that kind of thing does a lot of damage, not just to other people, but to my own conscience, psyche, soul, etc.

It's a poison, and I won't drink any more.

In response to: Re: A Friend in Need,,,,

Re: A Friend in Need,,,,

I get your point @Former-Membertake life slowly and gently find the bits that work positively for you .. it might take a while for the "wheel of life" or whatever you want to call it ... to turn ... but their are weird and mysterious ways in which the cosmos can give back to us.

I am beginning to learn about the idea of boundaries ... its helping me learn to set a limit ..when I am empty ... I am ok to give .. I dont really want to change my personality against my values .. but my self respect has returned .. and so if I am sensing that someone is yanking my chain ... I am giving them less ... so I have more for the person that needs it and is genuine ... I dont tend to give to fat cats ... yet even in that, life has asked me to concede their needs ... as in my dying Mother in law ... and my dying brother. I cant cut my brother loose even though his style was opposed to mine ... he was shaped by different forces in a different family .. and if he reaches out to me .. I will be there for him.

Find out where your boundaries are and what you do want to give .. dont give more than you are comfortable with .. it is totally fine to keep fuel in your own tank ...

In response to: Re: A Friend in Need,,,,

Re: A Friend in Need,,,,

@Former-Member

I just came across this post and it spoke to me. Finding out someone who you thought was a true friend but really isn't is tough. Just like you - I have had my fair share. It is hard to not get disheartened pondering why are people not like you, why are they so selfish and self centred. Unfortunately we do live in such a world where people look out for themselves first. Yes I agree we need to be selfish at times for our own happiness like saying to a friend - look I can't help you out today because I have to look clean my room or look after my family etc. And if they are true friends they will understand.

However don't let the bad experiences shy you away from helping out or being there for someone as you feel the need. Helping and caring for someone with no rewards in return is what makes you amazing and so unique. We need more people like you as @utopia said. Hopefully one day you will be surrounded by true friends who appreciate you.

For now - just know that we are all here to listen. This is the one good thing about the forums that I found. Lots of selfless people willing to help each other out through their problems. Willing to listen with no expectation in return

In response to: A Friend in Need,,,,

Re: A Friend in Need,,,,

@Former-Member. Do you want to be a rich CEO. I know I don't. I don't value people with money or titles. I value people based on similar core beliefs to me. Kindness empathy love generosity. But just because we have these values, doesn't mean we need to give of ourselves to just anyone or everyone.
I know I have had to leave friendships when I realised they weren't healthy for me. - people that get their energy by taking it from other people.
I don't agree that people need us to just use us and then discard. I know my town wouldn't work without these good caring people. They give because that is who they are & that they enjoy it. I get back by being part of the community. There will always be those that are takers. I tend to ignore them. They are not worth my energy. I focus on like minded people & those that really need a hand up. And I do it because it brings me joy. But I don't give more energy than I have to give. I have to leave some energy and compassion and love for me. My health is still the most important thing.

In response to: A Friend in Need,,,,

Re: A Friend in Need,,,,

This is the reason why I have pretty much given up on the idea of friendship.

The only people whom I seek to befriend these days are people who are autistic, I love how innocent they are and I wish to protect them from this harsh world out there. I also tend to befriend stray dogs and cats.

In response to: A Friend in Need,,,,

Re: A Friend in Need,,,,

@Former-Member. I can relate to a lot of what you say about you feel used. I found the only person I could rely on was me, till I discovered I was searching in the wrong places for friends. I have found people can be selfish and unreliable too. If you can look past what you expect and accept what you get, you will start to understand complex human nature. Try to learn to say 'no' when called on. If people start relying on you, then abuse you for not being there, they will soon start treating you with more respect, when you ignore their rubbish. When people take you for granted, that's when they abuse the friendship you offer. Give friendship gladly, expect nothing and you may be surprised at your own feelings of knowing you did what you could, when you could. Don't do more than you can, just do what you can. People are fickle and can be hurtful, just continue being the loving, caring person you are.

In response to: Re: A Friend in Need,,,,

Re: A Friend in Need,,,,

Thanks everyone.

@utopia. I didn't mean I / we wanted to be CEO'S, I meant more that we are at the extreme opposite of that spectrum,

I've helped people, I've even actually physically saved some lives.

Yet everyone judges and treats me by the fact I don't have a job,

I used to care a lot more. It's less now, but still stings that no one cares that you are good person, especially those who know me and what I've done.

"And maybe I'm too young to hold on,
Too old to just break free and run.
..
Much too blind to see the damage he's done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that, really
He has no one."
-Jeff Buckley

In response to: Re: A Friend in Need,,,,

Re: A Friend in Need,,,,

BTW, people seem to be under the impression I've only had a few friends in a few places.

"I've been everywhere man." ( To an extent)

I've made friends from underground Dj's and goths, to neuroscience professors and military engineers.

Statistically speaking then, it's me. I attract the wrong kind of friends as you say,

Or maybe, as I said at the start, my expectations of others are based on my own values, and I'm just naive and stuck in a Disney movie.

Or maybe you all are.

The good guy doesn't win, he gets shot in the back.

The nice person doesn't live happily ever after, they end up scrubbing floors forever.

And in reality, at the end, the Beast dies, and Belle cries, but he doesn't ever come back to life.

Goodness for goodness sake might be all well and good, but it doesn't keep you warm at night.

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