Life after hospital

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@utopia wrote:

Sorry I wasn't much help today. Emotional day for me.

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Hi @utopia

Are you alright my dear? You are always so selflessly there for others. I am here for you if you need to talk. Hope today is better for you my friend. Sending warm hugs ❤️❤️❤️ xxxxx

Hi @BlueBay

I didn't come in yesterday - I am really tired recovering from sinusitis and I didn't wake up until lunchtime and then my domestic help was here and I had to have a nap to recover from waking up so late and then it was time to go to bed - so I missed you yesterday

So - I have read your notes here from yesterday and it sounds as if you had a roller-coaster day - Big Dipper - it must be a nightmare having such sharp mood swings. I used to suffer violent grief swings like that after my son died and so I used to write a journal and noticed it took very little to set me off - I was wrongly dxd with BPD - but I guess none of us really know what the others are feeling - and it must be distressing to find you are suddening in the middle of a storm and don't know how to get out of it

You seem to be doing better though - stepping stone to stepping stone - I really like that -

I am glad your GP has encouraged you to keep taking your medication - do you have blood tests to see if you are taking the right amount of that particular medication - I did

Anyway - about cooking - I have just about forgotten how to cook - eating salads for years - and I have three meals a week delivered now and I find they nearly always have caulliflour - that has to be about the worst thing anyone can put on my plate - but I can take the meal out of the container and leave off the cauliflour and zap the rest

I have not made cookies for years - I used to make them every week but I found I was eating them all in a couple of days and stopped that - and I used to make a dessert with jelly and instant pudding but I ate all of those too fast too - so I stopped

I haven't been eating much lately - so I had better get myself eating properly again - the thought of cooking for a family - I used to enjoy it actually - though I have been told that some of the meals I cooked were terrible - I liked them - but those years passed so quickly

I am thinking of you - I can't remember what I did to stop the mood swings - I have been thinking but apart from writing I have no idea- but if it helps - I do remember sitting in the middle of a pile a damp tissues feeling so bleak and lost - I can only imagine how you might feel - but I care

Decadian

Hi @utopia

Glad to read that you are feeling a bit better. It's a good thing that you have people in your personal life whom you can open up to and talk to about it. Helps so much to have this type of support. It can be hard to help someone we have feelings for that may not be aware of the extent of those feelings or where a third party is involved. Just guess work at my end - but regardless I hope all works out well for you in the end and that you don't get hurt. I can understand that some matters are private - just know that I am thinking of you and hoping for a good end to this for you as you deserve the best love has to offer ❤️ Sending warm hugs xx

@utopia

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Hi sadgirl

It was so nice to just get home wasn't it? For me, there was so much fear and the whole control component just so confronting. I didn't exist the entire time I was there. Staff just did their jobs, taking bloods and vitals no consent or permission obtained. Reviews with the pdoc were very much on a tell you about it now basis. No advance notice - again I did not exist.

It got worse whilst I was there, 2 escapees meant that it turned into lock down, no one permitted outside just stuck. People got agitated, aggressive and upset and I just cried more. And I cried more - at another surprise pdoc review the delights of ECT were strongly encouraged, I was sad but I wanted to protect my mind.

Lotsa luv Bast

I need help!!!

I am so confused at the moment.

I had my session with my therapist this morning. He wants me to continue seeing him until November when I see my new psychologist.

I was very anxious and emotional this morning. I gave him my poem and letter i wrote for him. He read it and laughed at the funny bits. I was sitting there and started to cry. I was trying so hard to not cry and keep it in but tears just started.

I told him I'm really sad because I won't see him anymore; i told him i understand he can't help me but i am really emotional. he said i am grieving a relationship. and he told me it doesn't mean i won't see him anymore, in fact he said i can contact him next year and see him and touch base with how i am.

I feel the blame is on me; i should have done more; i am hopeless, if only i was a better person; so much negative in my head.

i told him i was going to stop my meds and he said it is my choice but he discourages me from doing so as he knows i have tried before and i was a mess.

Now i don't know what to do - do i go to the next appt in two weeks time or do i stop now altogether.

i am trying to hold on to him as my therapist for as long as i can but i know i will be a mess on the 'very last time' i have him. i told him 5 yrs is a long time and i don't know how things will go with this new one.

he told me to not be a mind reader as i don't know her and things may work out ok.

i am feeling so lost and alone, have a headache and just want to cry.

what should i do??