A question for carers.

Hi everyone,

I know I should probably be posting with other sufferers of CPTSD/depression/anxiety/panic disorders, but I would like some honest answers from those of you who have to endure people like me.

A new initiative on this site refers to our loved ones being better of WITH us, but is that true?

Those of us, who live with suicidal ideation on an almost daily pervasion of our thoughts, are told by all and sundry that everyone else's life is better with us in it, but is that really true or is it a case of "The Emperor's New Clothes"?

Do medical practitioners and loved-ones, alike, keep telling those of us who would like to die - but do not have the courage to take our own lives, or stay living in excruciating world of pain for the sake of those we love - for our sake or for theirs? Does it assuage consciences in the (possibly) misguided belief that they are "saving a life", or make our doctors/carers feel better about fighting a losing battle?

In all reality, Major Depressive Disorder IS infectious; look at the long-suffering family and friends of we sufferers. They are forced to walk on eggshells all the time. They live in fear of what every moment of every day may bring, when mood-swings overtake a sufferer's rational mind... shifting from the deepest of depression to the most volatile (even if not physically harmful) explosions of anger (and that anger need not be directed at a physician or support person... it's just letting off steam) in the blink of an eye.

Dr. Phil often asks people, "How much fun are you to live with?" I am honest about my answer. I'm not fun, at all, and I suck all the fun and life out of everyone around me, without meaning to.

Those practitioners and carers who are indeed kind and patient will deny that we sufferers are a burden, and (in personal relationships) declare their undying love for us, and that they need us in their lives. But is that for our benefit, really?

I don't need anyone to verbalise when they are fed up with my ridiculous, irrational utterings and behaviours; I can see how much I hurt those beautiful people, and I can see in their eyes that they want me back as the person I once was. But that person has been killed off, and what is left - before them - is what it is, and nothing can change that.

If I was allowed to be voluntarily euthanised, yes, it would cause loss and grief to those few people who have not turned their backs on me. And, of course, there's the plethora of paperwork to be completed (death is only easy for the one who has died), and the reorganisation of everything that the sufferer may have been responsible for that someone will have to learn to take over, in order to keep the wheels turning.

But wouldn't it be easier, in the long run, to put the sufferer out of everyone's misery? For the one who dies, their suffering is finally over. For those left behind, they are left to grieve the loss of something that was lost long before and is now nothing more than a beautiful memory.

To put it in a more clinical fashion, if a person were to develop gangrene in one of their pinkie-toes, would it be smarter to have the dying toe amputated to save the rest of the person, or let it be treated as best as possible, with the outcome being that the person will soon develop septicaemia and die?

I know that not all sufferers are doomed to remain in their own internal hell for ever, but I am one of those pesky people who seem to be treatment resistant, and some people in my support people decided to dump me in the "too hard basket", and deserted me. I even had one telephone operator at Lifeline tell me that if I wanted to (a phrase that is disallowed in this forum), it was totally up to me.

So, am I playing the part of the little boy in "The Emperor's New Clothes" or being Devil's Advocate in the question I pose to you lovely folk?

I do not mean to stir up a hornet's nest, but I would like to understand... and I'd love to hear the unvarnished truth, rather than hearing what people think I want to hear or what they think they should say.

Sending love and light to you all ❤️