Moving forward

Hey @Former-Member. Your ex was definitely an interesting cat. I think I've mixed a lot of concepts up as I was growing up but I guess I always had that intuition to know what people were feeling even though I didn't have the language to do so. I just knew if someone was struggling or doing well in quite simple terms. I had no clue about what I was feeling. I know have to learn boundaries and filters which I guess are two sides of the same coin. As far as my parents go @Former-Member they were very much the parents of their time, children were to be seen and not heard, perfection was demanded in regards to behaviour and mine were very strict and over protective. I was sheltered from much of the world and so my world view was very narrow. To this day it is a bit the same. I don't blame them as such as they did the best they could and still do. I've just been learning that I learned to internalise a lot and and avoid and wear masks to cover what I was feeling and all the volcanic eruptions going on within. I didn't really develop a sense of self or identity. Anyway enough of my rambling I thought it was interesting what you wrote.

@Former-Member Thanks for the compliment but it doesn't follow through into me functioning most of the time but I'm working on it.

@Decadian I think you seemed to have developed a good sense of self which has helped so much with your survival. Take care of you, you seem to have the intuition that you need to go gently now until things pick up a bit. I'm so sorry you are feeling a bit low stil, crossing fingers this will pass soon and hoping your appetite comes back soon so you can have the strength to get out and about more.

Yes I know your right @Faith-and-Hope. last night I lost it. I think I had it in my head without making it a goal that by the time I went to sleep I'd have all this sorted. But then I self destructed instead. Seriously I have much work to do. But luckily it was so late and I fell asleep shortly after. Ironically we talked about that in session yesterday too about me trying to accomplish everything when I feel good and then ultimately self destructing because it's never enough or never good enough. But this morning I'm seeing it all as a learning curve. Think I need to do some running raids now, thanks for the coffee @Former-Member, may be back for another coffee later or maybe I'll end up at the beer garden 😃💜😊

You are very much on the same page as my therapist @Faith-and-Hope. I guess she was saying when I've lost it I need to evaluate what my vulnerable child needs at that moment and use that to guide me which is not instinctive for me at all and I'll need to learn it. Still think you'd be awesome at teaching (not sure of the right word, maybe guiding) art therapy 💜😊

Thanks all again for your input 💜😊

Thanks @Former-Member

I am not a natural procrasinator - so putting things off was never part of my idea - but I have learned this is okay when I am in a low patch - it's a valuable lesson - just working out the difference

When my parents go the idea of child rearing I will never know - they were so different from each other - neither was permissive - both were strict - but Dad was reasonable -

All of us were tossed out into the world with nothing but our ignorance to protect us - and I have deleted a whole stack - enough said

Yes @Former-Member - I will get past this - right now - I am waiting for my case worker to ring - I am sure as soon as I get in the shower she will - I feel like going back to bed to read -

It is a bleak bleak day - raining - it's up to a drizzle here - "where has all the sunshine gone" ah - no - I think our reservoirs are pretty well prepared for summer but I think we have had enough rain for now

Okay - time for a shower - then I will try ringing again - I am not staying here for a whole day waiting

Decadian

Hi @Former-Member

I have spoken to my case worker and changed things slightly - taking out one of the domestic shifts is one - I feel I have too many days with someone here in the middle and I am finding things for her to do -

This has been changed and I am getting three prepared meals a week - so the budget works for me - that is much better - I am pretty easy on my agencies budget anyway

Self-destruction - I was into that in a big way when I found myself with a premature baby - the baby had to come first of course - and my two yo was hard to manage - little did I know how all of this was going to get worse in the future - but still

For a time I would fall into a heap of damp nappies I had washed but forgotten to hang out - and a freak was going to happen at intervals - so I cut back to the very necessities of mother chores to care for the kids - after all - they were not kids forever - this time passes - but

The good news is that I was never again as house-proud as I was before I had children - who needs to be -

Still - it took a divorce to entirely recover from the need to self-destruct and start yelling - LH was into laziness and no doubt everyone near by could hear -

But yes - it takes time to know that perfection is not required - just ordinary is fine

Dec

er cat, I'd say @Former-Member and cannot have too much cream.. that's unpossible.. lol

anyway can make your own with stockpot. Mum made them once. Homemade jam and cream fresh from cows..mmmmm