My Mosaic

@Bow so frustrating with your meds, like... the thing you really need them to do and it just doesn't work reliably. Have you had these ones for a while? If you're needing to take more than recommended dose, and it's still not actually working as intended, then perhaps a change is needed? I imagine that's a whole process in itself though.

Hmm well, I posted this in the Toolshed a little while ago, maybe it's a good place to start?

If you google 'affirmations' a whole bunch will pop up. You could collect the ones you like, write them out and put em up somewhere visible. I've got a few post it notes strewn around my own place with little affirmations on them, stuff like 'Just take 3 deep breaths' and 'I am allowed to take up space'. It's a skill like any other, the more you do it the easier it gets, and the more the words start to sink in. Think about it like... if you repeatedly say awful things to yourself, many times over, you will believe it as truth. You've gotten a lot of practice at being mean to yourself so it comes easily. The same thing can be done with positive thoughts, it just takes time and repetition.

Thanks @Jynx i know you’re about to jump off for the night…. But is there something in…. Finally feeling sleeping after giving into the urges? Is there some kind of chemical released that makes ya sleepy? Like just hitting me now

@Bow I'd be guessing, because I don't know enough about neurochemistry - but it could be that the intense rush of chemicals, like dopamine, adrenaline, etc. that occur during will then be slowly processed by the body, and result in a lack. Like a sharp peak, then a steep drop, leaving you feeling quite tired. Which could be then reinforcing the behaviour, which is well worth exploring with your psych. I also vaguely recall reading in 'The Body Keeps the Score' about how folks with a trauma history can sometimes end up seeking out things that release adrenaline, because after their traumatic experience they have experienced such intense biochemical processes that their day-to-day lives feel numb by comparison. I think I'm doing a crappy job of summarising but could be something to explore!

I am indeed off, splendid to chat as always and I shall see you again tomorrow 💜 Nighty Night!

Hi @Bow , that's great your SW is around at Christmas 👍

I hope the transition to your new CM goes well - the new one is bound to be much better, couldn't be worse!

Hoping you got some sleep last night @Bow and today looks a little brighter.

Sending love 💌💌

I seen my gp this morning and I was not honest with her. My bloods have dropped- I will have another lot of bloods next Thursday before my gp clinic closes for the holidays.

I went to my afternoon group activity with my SW and asked to talk to her. I had written some stuff down and I let her read it. She understood. But she thought I was only referring to SH…. I eventually fessed up to my increase in SI and how I’m not sure I can maintain my safety. We talked about it a little. I need to tell my CM tomorrow (if she’s in). And my SW will be asking me about my SI more regularly.

im feeling very lethargic today. Everything is feeling like a huge effort.

Hey @Bow sounds like you were able to be open with your SW, which is awesome! So even if you weren't able to be open with your GP, you've still achieved a goal today and it sounds like she is going to ensure you've got regular check ins. I think sometimes it's easier when we're asked, rather than having to bring it up on our own.

I get super lethargic in the heat, is that a factor for you? Hope you're able to get some downtime this evening!

Oh it’s certainly much easier to be asked @Jynx ! I know I for sure prefer to be asked than have to bring it up myself. Also talked with my SW about potential signs that she can look out for that things are getting worse.

lethargic… could be heat, could be ED related. My SW said she can see it in my face and isn’t surprised my bloods are dropping. 😩

how are you? Whatcha up to today?

@Bow could that also work with your GP? Ask if they could check in with you around your current SI levels so you don't have to?

Aww hun, I can't imagine the heat is helping at all! Hope you can get some fluids in.

Today I just had my therapy session, now hiding in the air con and hoping for a cool change haha. Sun is still blazing though of course. 😓

@Jynx My gp most certainly asks without a doubt every appointment if I’m going to hurt myself, if I’m going to unalive myself. I don’t think I’ve ever actually said yes to her. She tends to overreact with things. Like she is super concerned about my SH. Going too far, infection etc. we constantly have the conversation about removing items. But as I mentioned yesterday comm mh have said well it’s a way to cope at the moment. But yeah, my gp cares, she’s medical. If that makes sense. If it was super necessary I could maybe answer her honestly. But I’d prefer to be honest with people who are probably a bit more better trained to respond to that conversation.

Im suppose to see my CM tomorrow, and I need to be honest with her but I’m pretty terrified. Even though I’ve been doing ok with my meds for ages now, I doubt they would trust me again. Last time I told them I was in a bad way and had been thinking about certain things, they rocked up at my door unannounced, they were gonna admit me, but we disposed of things and we compromised, but then a couple of days later I still attempted. So I’m gonna guess the trust levels are pretty low.

I’ve really not had enough fluids today. Have just realised that. I talked with my dietitian last week about trying to up them, especially with the heat, but it’s still such a bloody struggle. Dietitian said that I should allow myself to get to the point of feeling dry and thirsty, dehydrated already. Don’t know how many sessions we have spent n fluids though 😩

can I ask how often you see your therapist? Oh I get hiding in the AC. I spent the arvo at the kitchen table in front of the AC. And gonna escape to my room shortly with the big fan on, maybe the AC depending what it’s like down there. Gonna be a scorcher tomorrow here.

oh you mentioned the body keeps the score last night…. I’ve got that sitting beside my bed. I’ve read maybe 2 pages! 😂 the thickness is very off putting, but I do wanna read it.