My Mosaic

@Bow I totally get what you mean - gotta pick your battles and choose which person to reveal things to, comes back to that feeling of safety and trust ay.

Mm with your CM, have things improved at all? I imagine it's difficult to want to put time/effort towards the relationship when you know she'll be off on leave soon. Got anything written already in preparation?

I find having a thing of powdered powerade in the house really helps me stay hydrated. Would that be something that would work for you?

I see my therapist once a month at the moment, which works well for me, especially since she lives like an hour away. It's been good, so glad I've found someone who resonates with me and my value systems. Spent some time re-parenting today! Was tough, and I had a big teary - but was also very nice to show my inner-Jynx-child some gentle nurturing!

It's a pretty dense book! Like it's (thankfully) easy to read, but the subject matter is quite intense. But it's already taught me a LOT and I haven't even finished it yet! Which reminds me I should do that, mayhaps I'll take it with me up north over xmas. Maybe set yourself a goal to just read 1-2 pages each night? Tiny steps forward is still forward!

Yeah @Jynx I feel like my SW is a real safe person and someone I can trust. And then I can just leave it up to her if she feels like she needs to discuss things further with other supports, she usually lets me know if she will need to flick my CM an email or give her a call. She is just community support, not clinical, so I do need to remember that.

yeah things still are tense with my CM. And I think perhaps she will start a transition with me tomorrow. So it’s kinda hard to go in there with things I have prepared that I need to inform her about when she may have her own agenda.

oh I took some of that powered powerade with me overseas last year. I know it’s good for hydration and I will occasionally drink it. I have a couple of bottles of the blackcurrant one in the fridge- that’s my favourite! But it’s also not an overly safe drink for me. Too many vits and mins. I just filled my water bottle up and put some sugar free cordial in it. Will try drink it before going to sleep! That’s the aim.

So good you have a great therapist and one that resonates with your values- so important! Re-parenting is hard for sure! My old psych asked me to send her a pic of little bow. She printed it and laminated it and use to bring it into sessions. Super tough to look at at times!

yep I’ll try read some more. NatureLover also said it was pretty easy to read.

2 days of school left here! D bought all her school work home today. Loved reading through some of her work. Think it was in a creative writing book, she wrote one day ‘I love my life’. Too cute.

@Bow I'm glad you have someone who feels safe and trustworthy on your team. It really does make all the difference hey. And with your CM, I suppose you could always bring things in anyway, and if there isn't time to cover it you can leave it with her in written form? Just a thought.

I didn't think powerade had all that much by way of vitamins and stuff, thought it was more the sugar and salt that helped with hydration! Perhaps it's both haha. If I want vitamin boost I usually have a berocca, and I do so like the fizzzzzz 😋 Hope you can keep yourself topped up tonight!

Oh man I dunno what I'd do if a photo of little me was in the session.... whiiiiich probably means I have some more stuff to unpack lol. So I definitely feel you on that one!

OMG that is soooo cute! I love that! Aww precious lil thing, I'm stoked to hear it. And it just goes to show what a good job you're doing as mum! I'm guessing she's all sorts of excited about school holidays too?

Yeah I really should write something down eh. Worst comes to worst I hand it over as I walk out the door…. As long as they don’t then overreact and come after me! Think I’ll just need to try be super assertive from the beginning @Jynx

it’s got a little bit I think…. And even that little bit is super scary. Reading labels is really stupid, but I do it looking for certain things. Urgh the things my ED makes me do. Ashamedly I really enjoy a nice cold can of sugar free V.

pics of little me was confronting. There were weeks I would refuse to look at her. Other times one glance and I was in tears. Still miss my old psych heaps! Am sure you’ll get there @Jynx !

7 weeks of holidays! Can guarantee she’ll be bored after the first day 🤦🏼‍♀️ I’ve found alternative vacation care for her and we sat down and picked which days she’ll go to. But yes, she is excited about the holidays.

Assertiveness is definitely a boon @Bow! I wish you much luck!

Hehe I'm sure I will too, it's good to make progress, even when it feels like getting walloped around the ears sometimes hahaha. Or that feeling like the bottom of my stomach just collapsed, whenever we hit deep, painful, or previously unrecognised things. Probably gonna do some reflecting on it tonight!

And with that, I bid you goodnight hun! I'm signing off. I hope your appt goes well tomorrow!

🤗💜

Just wrote me some notes to take tomorrow!
good night @Jynx

Good afternoon @Bow

Hoping today is going ok for you hon

Sending love 💕💕

My CM wasn’t in today… surprise surprise and they didn’t tell me this again until someone else comes out to see me. Thankfully it was someone I felt ok with talking to.
I gave her my list that I had prepared last night, which she read and then we talked through.
We decided that I have indeed crossed the line with my SH. She expressed concern, but what do you even do???? Honestly???? Apart from removing the methods which I can then easily go and replace. Someone, anyone? What do you do???
My increase struggle with my ED, she reminded me and warned me that we all know where that leads, especially with my bloods dropping too.
Her main concern my increased SI. I said no thanks to hospital. But it just may end up being the inevitable.

So most things are pretty bloody shitty.

Hey @Bow ,

Sorry to hear about what's been happening.

Rather than focus on the SH, do they support you with identifying what is driving the SH? Just a thought.

As for removing easily-replaceable items for SH, I used to question that too. However, I later learnt that by making things less-accessible, it is increasing the wait time between urges and the actual self-harm.

e.g. just say someone often turns to alcohol. By not having alcohol in the house, it means that when the person has an urge, they must go out to obtain alcohol. The time it takes to do this is actually delaying gratification and increasing the time between urge and action. Hence this is part of recovery.

Not sure if I'm making sense.

@tyme We talked about some of the driving forces behind my SH. None of which is an easy fix really. Unfortunately

(although one positive is that the lady I spoke to will advocate for me to be back on the meds that help with my nightmares- won’t hold my breath though, I’ve asked my pdoc many times before).

I do get what you are saying about removing items. But I have literally handed items over in the morning and gone out in the afternoon to replace them. And I have also desperately hunted the house…. And the garage for items too. And I stock up, stash them in hiding spots. That’s how bad I am. I am a bad person. Terrible. I waste their time. Should just quit.
sorry