My Mosaic

I'm with @Captain24 on this one @Bow - your courage and perserverance is something to be admired. Even when it feels like none of that could be true, you're still inspiring others.

I'm sorry that you're in this dark place, but I have some candles (the delicious smelling kind) and will sit with you in the dark.

Yes the dark is hard @Bow. Maybe it’s time to go to bed. You have to get up in the morning to get your daughter ready for school. Does this sound doable?

I have to sign off soon @Bow but will tag in the next @moderator to provide further support for you hun. You don't need to be alone in this.

Sending hugs, speak to you tomorrow 💜

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@Bow wrote:

I don’t deserve any of that stuff @Jynx im a worthless piece of shit that shouldn’t take up any space anymore, an oxygen thief.

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That's your trauma talking, @Bow ...it's not true.

Sending hugs...

Good morning @Bow

I'm sorry yesterday and last night was hard hon. I hope you were able to settle and get some sleep last night. Sending love and strength 💜💜

@Snowie @NatureLover @Jynx @Captain24

just gonna put a trigger warning just in case.

I had a really bad night last night. Not much sleep at all. It’s my mums birthday today, so busy morning this morning. Then I had a gp appointment. I think it’s the first time I’ve ever had to wait to see her. She was running 1/2hr late. Then she wanted me to see the nurse, and she was already with a patient. I sat and waited, but had to leave cause I had an appointment with my psychologist. I let the receptionist know I had to leave and explained that I could deal with it at home.
While sitting waiting for my psychologist the nurse called me and said that they wanted me to come back after my psychologist appointment 😩 and it wasn’t the nice nurse.
My psych appointment was really rough. There is always so much to ‘check in’ with at the beginning of each appointment which takes up so much time. Then we started going through the timeline I completed ages ago. We didn’t get very far before I was a blubbering mess. We came up with some core beliefs that I’ve had for a very long time about myself, the world and certain people. My psych said that was helpful to know…. We also talked about a possible reason why my trauma symptoms have been so bad the last couple of months and not previously having no idea why…. The body remembers… our subconscious does weird things. My trauma started when I was roughly 8. My daughter has recently turned 8. I broke down. People that were suppose to protect me, suppose to care for me and keep me safe did not. After sharing some of the things that I experienced as a child, my psych started talking about neglect. I’d never considered neglect something that I had experienced, but my psych explained that it’s clear as day that that’s something I went through…. On top of everything else.
So much going on inside my head about all that we talked about. Opened a huge can of worms and now I have to put a lid on it for a fortnight.

Then I had to go back to my gp clinic to see the nurse. All the shame sitting there. She doesn’t talk to me while she does what she does. Just makes sighing noises as she figures out what to do.
I did mums cake as soon as I got home and it wasn’t working out cause it was far too hot. It was frustrating me so much. Making me spiral in my head. I was getting frustrated that I had to do the cake in the first place, I hadn’t been on the treadmill yet for the day and that was playing huge on my mind and stressing about when or even if I would get the chance to do so. And I so desperately just wanted some me time to process my appointment/s and to feel safe and do what my psych said to do and self soothe.

im feeling so on edge and vulnerable. Got family coming for dinner and I feel responsible for dinner and cake. I don’t wanna see people. I want to hide. I want to feel safe.

Hi @Bow

Thanks for the update. Sounds like it has been a really busy day and you haven't had time to process anything that happened. I hope you are able to get at least 10-15 mins to yourself, if only really to re group.

I find my psych appointments exhausting and need that time afterwards. Doesn't always happen that way.

Probably the last thing you want is people coming over tonight. I hope you can get through it ok. I hate people in my house. At least if it is somewhere else then you can to some point control when you leave. Sending you strength to get through hon 💗💗

Oh gosh what an intense day for you @Bow! I agree with @Snowie - carving out a little time to process and just sit with the intensity could do wonders, if you can do so.

Finding out about neglect is a biggie. I remember that for soooo long I used to invalidate all of my distress because I just kept telling myself that nothing had ever happened to me that was so bad for me to feel so awful. Through lots of exploration it became quite apparent that my parents were there for us physically and financially, but not emotionally. Was a pretty confronting thing to realise, and I still have to take time to process stuff when it comes up. So take your time, it can be a heavy thing to come to grips with.

You know you're absolutely allowed to tap out of dinner. If not entirely, then at least taking a tenner here and there to just have some deep breaths and give yourself that space. Would be soooo challenging to have had such an intense string of appts and then also entertain family.

We'll be about, should you need 💜

Thanks @Snowie @Jynx

everyone has just left and I’ve finished cleaning up. It was an exhausting dinner. I just wanted to escape and cry. I often sat down on the floor and played with my baby niece… at least that took me away from adult conversations and felt somewhat like a reprieve. And toddler cuddles are the best and I got lots of them.

@Jynx it just feels like something else to add to the long list of things that is my background. Something else to come to terms with and deal with. I feel an intense heaviness tonight and my body is so tense. Constantly reminding myself to breathe. I’ve had a lot of chest pains tonight too.

you know sitting there today reliving some of my early childhood and listening to them core beliefs I couldn’t help but think of the fact that for so long I have felt like I was born marked. That something… I don’t know how to describe it, but just that I was set aside for others to do these things to me. I think I wanted to tell my psych about it but I don’t know how to word it. And I know you will so it’s rubbish…. But it’s firmly what I believe. I carry that around with me all the time.