My Mosaic

Aww toddler cuddles are the best @Bow glad you got them.

Totally understandable that it feels like another thing on the list. It could also turn out to be a key insight that helps in processing other stuff too though, I've had a few of those.... like OH THAT'S WHY I'M LIKE THIS. Time will tell I suppose.

I don't think it's rubbish hun. Sounds like a core belief to me, one that has shaped and influenced your path through life. I would say as well though that there could be some cognitive bias at play - our brains like to ascribe to information relevant to our beliefs whilst ignoring information that conflicts. So whenever something confirms this feeling, it feels more true than ever, but anything that doesn't fit is hastily pushed aside and forgotten. Just my two cents, I'm not here to tell you what is or isn't true of your experiences. Something that could help though is to work within the belief - i.e. rather than denying it or shutting it down by saying it's silly or irrational, find empowerment in something that fits into it. You're a spiritual person, so you can find empowerment through that spirituality - if you feel that you're marked, look for a ritualistic or spiritual way to reclaim, refute, or dispel whatever it is that has marked you... if that makes sense.

Could be one of those things you write down if you wanted to share it with your psych. Does your psych work within a realm of spirituality/see its importance in our wellbeing?

Yeah @Jynx i have a lot of ‘oh that’s why I am like this’ moments too. It’s really helpful to have those insightful conversations and experiences and putting pieces of the puzzle together.

it makes sense yes…. I actually googled it. Trying to understand it better, make sense if it and find words for it and most of the searches were spiritual ones. And yeah I’m spiritual, but in all honesty it’s not something that I have connected with for a while. I think it’s something that I have ignored and lost touch with over the last year or so. I’m seeing my friend tomorrow, my old pastors wife, and I thought about having a conversation with her about it, but she’d probably be disappointed in me that I believed that about myself… or I’d at least feel she would be disappointed.
I’ve not really had a conversation with my current psych about my spirituality… she knows I ‘go’ to church, but my old psych would often acknowledge that she wasn’t a Christian by understood that religion and that kinda stuff can be a big contributing factor for people. My current psych is not very… hmm is personable the word?

I think when I think about all the things that have happened to me, all the shit stuff, this core belief kinda gives me an answer to why it has all happened. I can not just accept that bad stuff happens. Not this much stuff. To one person. Does that make sense?

I have things.. so many things I want to write down and journal about from today. I want to do it while it’s still fresh and I’m feeling it, but I am too scared to start @Jynx too scared of what might come pouring out.
And I’m so exhausted. Yet I’m so wired and on edge still. I’ve tucked daughter into bed and crawled into bed myself. But finding myself overwhelmed with sadness and on the verge of tears.

@Bow perhaps this is a chance to reconnect with your spiritual self, if things align that way. You could always gently float the idea past your psych, and if the response is iffy, you can find someone else to explore this side of yourself with. I hope the meeting w your friend goes well. Again, something that may feel right to talk about in the moment, and you can gently float it, or it might not feel right and you can focus on other stuff.

It does make sense indeed. It is perhaps a way your brain is rationalising all you've been through - and if it brings comfort, great! If it brings distress, then maybe worth exploring more deeply and finding your way through it.

Hmm re: journalling - perhaps set yourself a timer or two? If you place a limit on it, you might be able to get started on processing it all while fresh, then can come back to it later, after sleep has done its own processing too. You could set one timer for 30 min, and if you find you're getting heightened you can close the book, but if you're finding it helpful, set another timer. Just like, a way to break the focus and allow you to check in with yourself. What do you reckon?

Rationalising! That’s the exact word I was trying to think of but it wouldn’t come @Jynx you are so good with words and explaining things. I know that if I am trying to process something and understand it better, you’re a good person to talk things through with. Thank you!

you know my first psych that I hunted down in 2019 when my mental health started to go down the drain was a Christian lady. I went to her solely to process my marriage breakdown and how it had impacted me spiritually. But then my ED, SI and the assault and she wiped her hands of me. Now I just feel everything is far too complex and I have no idea how there is a way out of all of this. I don’t see a light at the end of this long dark and lonely tunnel. And I feel such a disconnect from my psych cause I see her fortnightly. I went in today and had no recollection of what we discussed last time until she bought up. The lack of continuity? is a struggle for me. Feels hard to get the ball rolling and gain momentum.

I might give journalling a go while I wait for my meds to kick in.

Aww you're so sweet @Bow I'm so glad that my words are helpful. And I genuinely enjoy being able to have these complex conversations with folks, so please always feel like you can ask/talk to me about stuff!

Oh that's rough, yeah it's so hard when you feel like you've found a good match and then it's pulled out from under you. Maybe you could look for a counsellor or therapist that works within the spiritual realm specifically, and work with them as well? My current psych is incredibly in touch with spirituality, and I feel like I'll no longer go back to someone who isn't - but then again, one of the most helpful psychs I had was not spiritual at all, but he was helping me work through my attachment trauma so, different ballpark altogether. I guess this is the thing about complex trauma, needing different specialisations in our treating teams can end up being very involved - and very expensive. Sigh.

Could you ask your psych to start each session with a recap? I imagine they take plenty of notes so surely wouldn't be too hard. Can definitely understand the challenge of that lack of continuity - my memory is sooo awful on top of it all too.

I'm off for tonight anyhow so, I wish you the best in your journalling and hope that you have a restful night hun. Really nice chatting this evening, I'll catch you again soon 💜

Hi @Bow , well done for facing looking back at your trauma yesterday with your psych, and for discovering some core beliefs. So very difficult 🫂

I'm so sorry you weren't protected as a child 😢

I hope you managed to get some sleep last night and feel OK today 🤞💜

Morning @NatureLover @Bow

Hoping you both got some sleep last night and today goes well.

Any plans for the day?

💕💕

I did some journaling last night but I didn’t get very far and it was getting too much. Curled up in bed and cried. Eventually fell asleep, but didn’t sleep well. Tired today.

my friend came over this morning, we just chatted, caught up on her recent travels, her daughters and stuff. I did wanna tap out though. I had had enough. 😩

I also had my appointment with my CM today. I checked in upon arrival, sat and waited. Checked with reception after 15mins to make sure she was actually there. I sat and waited again and after 40 mins I got up and left. I could not sit there any longer. She did call and apologise 1 hr after my scheduled appointment time. She’s gonna come visit me tomorrow.

I’ve taken prn this afternoon. Just not coping with things at the moment. Feels like a common occurrence at the moment. I’m sorry. Sorry to be constantly a hassle.

my meds are due to be dropped off tonight, including my supply for while I’m away. Hopefully they get it all right.
tomorrow I have to go have bloods done again, then a home visit from my SW and then my CM

Hey @Bow ,

Hugs to you. That sounds so hard. I'm sorry you didn't get to see your CM. I'm glad she phoned to apologise.

Are you going away? Sorry, I haven't caught up.

Yes @tyme heading to tassie on Sunday for a week to visit my brother. Just D and I.