My Mosaic

Aww hun, that is rough @Bow. I'm sorry you feel that you have to be 'dealt with', that is a tough notion to reframe in the mind. But you really do deserve to be able to access the support around you, without your brain telling you that you'd be a hassle or something. Especially in a moment when you're in distress, and in a public place where it's harder to attend to your needs.

Are you home now? Have the flashbacks subsided yet? Here beside you hun 💜

Hey @Bow

I'm glad the nurse made you feel at ease hon. It is always easier with someone with a lived experience.

Sorry today has been rough for you.

Sitting with you 💕💕

I can already hear my support worker telling me the same thing @Jynx that I’m not someone she has to ‘deal with’. But my head is screaming that at me today. I see her nearly every day and she spent extra time with me this morning cause I needed to see the nurse after last night.

I felt so paralysed there today.

yeah I am back home now and they have settled a bit. Not so many flashbacks but just the memories, playing over and over in my head. I feel so much sadness over what was lost and that feels so wrong. I feel so anxious with anniversaries approaching and having a lot of new supports in place and feeling like I will have to share stuff again so I get the support I need.

@Bow aww she spent the extra time cos she prolly thought you needed it! How kind. I hope you're able to hush the voice that is telling you silly, untrue things. Maybe writing or saying something to counter it out loud? Putting stuff into the real world does tend to increase its power in my experience.

Mm it's a tough time of year for you hun, it's good you've got some extra supports and stuff in place, though it can indeed be very tough to share things with someone new. Maybe taking some time to reflect on previous times you've done so, and how that has gone? Challenging for sure, but maybe there's also the possibility of some catharsis? Hope it goes smoothly for you anyhow.

You're allowed to feel sad about the losses, even if it's also something you're better off without! I sometimes wish our emotions weren't so complicated... like, could I just have ONE feeling at a time please? Not all these conflicting, seemingly opposite emotional states. But alas, sometimes we still gotta give space to the feelings that don't make sense, or that conflict with our logic.

My support worker is lovely @Jynx she said she got into work this morning and had 7 supports this morning and she chose me and sent casuals out to everyone else. I did appreciate that… but despite that I still listen to what my head screams at me. Why can’t it be easier???

the thought of having to share things all over again sends my anxiety sky high @Jynx can feel it now. And makes me teary. I have a new psychologist, and she probably knows some stuff, but as this anniversary approach it feels so hard. I’m had shared so much with my old psych. I really need to talk now. Feel the need to talk, share stuff, be heard but have no one. And then that makes me even more teary. Trying to hold myself together around mum and D.
I know that my support worker will listen, she will hear me. But is she the right person to open that can of worms with? I know for sure my CM ain’t that person and my psych i only see fortnightly.

yep would feel so much easier to feel just one thing at once. Then it wouldn’t be so overwhelming. 😭

Thanks @Snowie appreciate you

@Bow maybe you need a little slip of paper in your pocket that has an affirmation like, "I don't need to listen to the mean stuff my brain says, especially when I have direct evidence that refutes it!" or something. Trauma-brain tends to work on habit, rather than logic, and breaking habitual thought patterns it a matter of repetition and persistent practice. Having something to refer back to as a visceral reminder has been super helpful for me, maybe it could be for you as well!

Mmm well... forums are always a space you can vent, though I imagine some stuff isn't within guidelines which makes it tricky. Calling sane an option for you this evening maybe? And you could always contact your support worker and say you got a can of worms that you're unsure about opening, and see what she says? Definitely sounds like you got some stuff you wanna get off your chest and you deserve to have the opportunity to do so!

That sounds like a helpful thing, that piece of paper with that on it. How do you come up with these ideas and then follow through with them all @Jynx ???

Yeah I don’t think it’s stuff that I can talk about on the forums unfortunately. And by the time I finish things up around the house and get E to bed the sane line is closed now.

I could probably write something down and give to my support worker. She knows that I find writing a whole lot easier than speaking words and she has said that if I need to communicate stuff to her I can write it down. I know she would be open to that.
My support worker is coming by in the morning. She was suppose to met me tomorrow for a gp appointment but that has changed to a Telehealth and she said she’s more than happy to be around for that call. My gp will read about my visit this morning to the nurse and I’ll probably get a lecture again, so some support will probably be good.

Haha @Bow it's a combo of:

• Many years of therapy
• Uni education in counselling
• Ideas from friends and loved ones
• Ideas from my lovely colleagues
• Ideas from the amazing forums fam!

As for follow through, just lots of repetition to be honest. Feel like it's my mantra with how much I bang on about practice/repetition being so helpful for improving mental health 😅 Well, I guess it's been super helpful for me so, hopefully it helps others too.

Definitely sounds like writing it down could be the way to go! It gets it out of the brain and onto paper, makes it easier to communicate to your support worker later... annnnd if there's something you wanna let go of (symbolically speaking), you could write it down separate and then burn or rip the paper up. I do it all the time, sooo cathartic. I think there's something very powerful about symbolism and ritual, could be worth trying.

Hope your appts go well tomorrow hun, and you get the support you're looking for 💜

Think it’s all gotten the better of me @Jynx sorry 😢 thanks 🙏 I’ve always appreciated you