My Mosaic

They know I am struggling @Melbcoffeesnob i seen my gp last week and she patched me up then and had my support worker go and remove things and then go with me to my psychologist appointment to let my psych know how much I am struggling. So everyone knows. and there isn’t anything anyone can do about it and I just don’t feel like being lectured about how I am coping at the moment.

Such a massive failure disappointment to everyone and a waste of resources. I’m tired of fighting the demons inside me

I've never once thought of you that way @Bow. I'm sorry the demons are extra loud tonight. Sitting with ya, lemme know if you wanna chat about anything 💜

I fucked up again tonight didn’t wanna stop no escaping the lecture @Jynx

Aww @Bow
I am tempted to ask 'what lecture?' buuut I think I can guess, and I don't want you to talk me through it unless it'd be helpful for you to get off your chest. What are you doing to take care of yourself now? Want a cuppa?

@Jynx The lecture from my gp I will get tomorrow morning. She told me last week to stop. She had my support worker come take them away. Now I’ll have to explain to her that I went and got more. And I ain’t handing these ones over this time cause why bother? I’ll just go buy more.
how do I get her to understand that it’s the only thing that helps at the moment????

just beating myself up

crying in bed

Hmm that is tough @Bow. The shame is too real, and too pervasive, it's so hard. It breaks my heart to know how many just like you are suffering, and then adding layers of shame to that suffering whenever they talk about it.

Would it help to tell your doc that you know the lecture well, and rather than listening to what you already know it might be better to work on some strategies and such?

@Jynx My gp sent me off last week to my psychologist appointment which was straight after I had seen her to work on some strategies. She had my support worker come with me to flag a few things with my psych and then she left.
take my meds early so I feel sleepy and I don’t end up doing it. That would work great if my meds actually did what they are suppose to do and make me sleepy, but they don’t.
and on the odd occasion that they do work, if I gotta do it, if I feel the urge, if I need the flashbacks to stop, then I do it anyways

im just a screwed up mess

ive fucked up so many things in my life and it’s all my fault that I’m where I am

nothing is gonna make things better

ive dug my own

dont wanna keep

@Bow that's super frustrating. Maybe that's what is next appt then, talking about what is currently working and what isn't...?

It is also NOT all your fault. Not by a longshot. No matter what your brain tells you, science tells us otherwise - we are all products of our environment and circumstances. It's not your fault you didn't win the birth lottery, nor has anything you've done ever meant you're deserving of your pain.

I am about to log off, are you headed to bed soon? Should I tag in next @moderator ?

Sending you a huge pile of huggles 💜

@Bow Sending big hugs... I hope that your GP appt is not as bad as you're expecting today... 💜