My Mosaic

I hope your pdoc appt. goes well @Bow

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate at the moment.

I hope D is ok, kids seem to deal with things in their own way.

Sending much needed love and hugs to you 💗💗

Sitting in this space with you

I hope you're doing a bit better today @Bow.

I am thinking of you.

How did your appt go @Bow ?

@Eve7 @Snowie @Captain24 @NatureLover @Jynx

my appointment went ok. I had a support worker meet me there and she was lovely. We chatted while we waited which was helpful. We talked about what I wanted out of the appointment which was difficult to really know. I struggled to think about that cause I didn’t know if comm mh already had their own plans, so I kinda felt pointless thinking about it for myself.

I made the effort to specifically tell the med people last night of my step dads passing so that I wouldn’t have to say that to them today. But the message was not passed on and/ or they didn’t read it in my notes. Which was disappointing. It was hard going in there sitting down and them diving straight into talk about my meds.
My support worker eventually told them and they were extremely apologetic and said they didn’t know- I told them that I let them know last night.

There were difficult conversations. My pdoc wanted to know what I wanted. I said an antidepressant. She wasn’t sure if the purpose of an antidepressant if they don’t appear to work cause of my constant attempts. I explained I don’t attempt just cause I’m depressed. She wanted to know the other reasons. This frustrated me a lot. I feel like I’ve had these conversations with my pdoc many times before. But I told her it’s the depression. It’s the desire to escape all the pain and heartache in my life. It’s the constant thoughts and fighting in my head over my eating, exercise and chronic self hatred. I could have gone on, but that’s all I could think of at the time.

So my pdoc agreed to restarting one of my antidepressant (I was angry and frustrated about this. That she stopped it in the first place and made me suffer through the withdrawals only to restart it again- but I didn’t say anything).

But then the long conversation about how this was going to happen safely without me stockpiling meds. They want to continue to witness me taking my meds. They don’t trust mum to do it and don’t want to put that pressure on her at the moment either. So comm mh with drop 2 days supply of every 2 days. I will take a daily dose in front of them and then the next day one of my support workers from this other agency will come by and witness me take them- but this will be at 4pm! The goal is to give me back control but I highly doubt that will be any time soon! It’s not my full dose, she said it needs to be slowly increased. Annoyed by her concern around that but she was perfectly ok to stop all my meds cold turkey!

She asked if there was anything else I wanted to talk about. I asked what was happening with my CM. I haven’t seen or heard from her in 2 weeks and prior to that goodness knows when. I told them about the issues I have had with her… the many issues. They were surprised. Hopefully they are going to look into it…. But she again wasn’t present for my appointment today but was around. (She did call a little while after I got home after hearing the news of my step dad. I was actually annoyed by her call).

After my appointment my support worker offered to go sit in the park over the road to debrief. Which was nice. I talked with her about a lot of things. She isn’t even my actual assigned support worker, I wish she was! But she is more than happy to provide as much support as she can. She has offered to come to all my comm mn appointments if I want. Come and sit with me for my gp appointments- I cancelled them appointments this week. She offered to give me her email cause I don’t have that kind of communication with my new psychologist like I did with my old. We talked heaps and I really felt supported and validated by her.

that’s probably enough. Sorry that was a lot. Thanks for reading if you got through it all.
I’m feeling extremely sad today. Depressed. I want to go crawl into bed. D goes to her dads shortly for the afternoon. Oh I could keep writing. So much inside. But I will stop.

I’m glad the support worker was really good for you @Bow. It’s also good that you have an anti-depressant back and that they want to slowly give you control again.

Please write as much as you need. We are here to listen and want to support you in the best way we can. Even if it’s just being heard.

Your support worker sounds very validating @Bow I'm so glad you could have that time to sit and debrief after what sounds like a really difficult appointment. I hope in time that your meds get sorted out.

As @Captain24 said, use the forum as much as you need. Sometimes it helps getting all our thoughts and feelings out. Writing them down can be a huge benefit to us.

Here with open ears hon 💗💗

Thanks @Captain24

I had to call my daughters school this afternoon, tell them about her grandad. People genuinely care.

mum has not wanted to tell many people. She particularly does not want people in my church to know. I understand. She is angry and hurt…, and so am I. No one has shown any care the last months. They … the leadership team have known about my step dad’s worsening condition, I guess I am use to church people caring. Like when I spent 7 weeks in hospital not one person checked if I was ok. Nothing from anyone. You think you’re valued church member. But then this. My old pastors cared. They were great at pastoral care.
I actually went to church on Sunday. A lady got up and gave the church an update on a couple from our church that are aging, one in hospital, needing support etc. it kinda felt like a bit of a kick in the guts.
Anyways, mum didn’t want me telling anyone from church. But I told my best friend… my old pastors. They told the leadership team… incase we need support or anything cause my old pastors went overseas today. So now people. Anyways a lady dropped a meal off this afternoon. That was nice.

I wanna crawl into bed and wake up in a weeks time

Thank you @Snowie the debrief was really helpful. I actually talked to her about how writing is so much easier for me and told her that I use to have access to my old psych via email and sms and that was helpful but that I don’t have that with my new psych. She offered to give me her email and that I can always send her stuff. I don’t always need a clinical response, sometimes I just need to write and be heard. She understood.
She’s encouraged me to get back to the arts and craft group they run- which I want to do. And I hopefully have the suicide attempt survivors support group starting next week- they are just waiting to confirm numbers.

how are you doing today??

You do find out who cares at these times @Bow. I’m glad D’s school were supportive.

I hear how hard it is that your church hasn’t been supportive. I feel your pain. It’s sad that they haven’t been there through this for you and your mum. I believe that this has been the time to show support.

It’s nice that someone dropped off a meal. That is a help.

I get wanting to sleep until next week. This week is the hardest to face.

Im sitting with you and you family.

I'm glad the debrief was helpful @Bow Hopefully you can continue talking to this support worker. She seems genuinely concerned for you.

I hope you are able to join those groups hon. They might be really beneficial for you. I find it is always easier to be around others who understand me without having to say much.

I'm sorry about your church. It must be hard to go through that, especially since you have been members for such a long time.

Not having the best day. Have had to contact LL for extra support.