My Mosaic

My CM eventually turned up.
She asked how my pdoc appointment went last week. I told her my pdoc threatened to put the mental health act on me if I didn’t eat or drink more. My CM said they can’t just do that for no valid reason and that I looked fine. :face_with_rolling_eyes:

@Jynx she asked about my thoughts. I told her they were real bad. She wanted more info. I eventually told her I’m planning when and how. said I did not wish to share details.
she asked if I wanted to see her in one or two weeks. 😩 faaaarrlkkkkkkkkk

@Bow continues to baffle me how someone needs to "look" a certain way to qualify as being sufficiently unwell. I imagine it's also tough to get such conflicting responses about what can or cannot happen. I think if you want to know for sure, you can always contact the an advocacy org. Found this one online: Independent Mental Health Advocacy - they'd be able to give you a straight answer about your rights.

I'm proud of you for being open, that would've been soooo hard. How did you end up answering? You don't have to share if you don't want to. How are you feeling since then?

It’s very invalidating @Jynx and triggering… having someone say I ‘look’ fine. It makes my ED want to try harder. Push myself more. Be more determined. It’s that whole fatphobia and that eating disorders only have one look and that’s an underweight young white girl.

It was incredibly hard to be a tiny bit honest. I don’t know what I was expecting in telling her what I did. I told her I had a plan for when and how.

how am I feeling? Really really not ok.

Mm for sure @Bow, such an awful bias/stigma. I imagine you're hardly the only person who has been refused support because of it.

Mm can definitely be immensely overwhelming to open up about it, esp when unsure about the reaction. Even if the response wasn't what you expected, did it help?

I am sorry it's all so horrible right now. I'm sending extra huggles and I can chat with you this evening if it helps to have someone here with you 💜

Oh yes it happens to so many. And it’s happened to me so many times.

No I don’t feel like it helped. It just made me feel worse. Unsupported and uncared for.

I feel incredibly frightened @Jynx

@Bow what would it look like if you had felt supported and cared for?

It's an incredibly frightening place to be, for sure. That scared part of you sounds like it's the healthy mind part of you, is that accurate you reckon?

I really don’t know @Jynx she honestly just sat there and said not much. It made me feel like I was just wasting her time, no care or support. That just makes me feel more determined. No one cares. She’ll get me off her caseload. That’s probably what she wants.

I think so. Scared of the hopeless part. The part that has just got so determined. Last night… stuff happened. I done things.

@Bow mm it's hard not to think that someone doesn't care if they don't really respond. I do sincerely doubt that she would be actively unhelpful just because she doesn't want you on her caseload. I cannot speak for her of course, but for myself, sometimes it comes down to just not knowing the right thing to say in the moment, and so I end up not saying much at all. It's kinda odd, feeling helpless as a therapist. But it does happen, and does not necessarily indicate that the care and compassion are absent. We're all people too.

Sounds like the thoughts n urges are really ramping up. I'm super worried about you hun. If I could be there for you in person, truly show you that you are loved, you are worthy, you are precious to this world, I'd do so in a heartbeat.

I am safe tonight it’s not when

i see my psychologist tomorrow. How that goes will I guess.
I really have no idea what to tell her tomorrow. What I need to tell her. What I need. I feel like I need to go in prepared or I will go in there tomorrow and just freeze up and go mute.

@Bow Hmm... You could write down a list of reasons. Reasons from both sides - the staying and the not.

Or start out by talking about the shift you mentioned last night, of not feeling like your D is as much of a protective factor as before.

Talk about the response you got from your CM today and how unsupported you felt. Let that lead into things.