My Mosaic

Life has destroyed me..., I've destroyed myself. I’ve hit the point of no return, of just being completely done. Done trying, done crying, done fighting. I asked for help, but it went unheard. Feels like everything is crashing down around me, suffocating me to death. Empty and numb. Please don't judge me for what I've done.

We dont judge anyone here @Bow 😞💝 We do however feel for our fellow members, and understand what they do and why. Your post worries me @Bow ... do you need medical attention at all?

I'm safe @Emelia8

Very good @Bow 👍😀💝

Hope your second last treatment went well @Emelia8

Not sure where my head is at today. So many mixed feelings after an overwhelming day. I feel numb.

big morning for us here as my daughter started kinder. We both did ok and she went off after a little bit of encouragement. She had a good day but is trying to negotiate her attendance for the rest of the week. Think she is struggling to understand that school is every day- mon-fri and all day. we will get there.

I seen my psych today also. Felt physically sick going in, knowing that I was concerned that she wouldn't be willing to see me anymore. We chatted about what happened last weekend briefly and my recent contact with comm mh. we chatted about and planned out what my days might look like, realising that I need some clear structure in my days now that my daughter is at school. Think it will help me of an evening knowing that the following day will have something in it.
It was my 6th visit with her so she is due to report back to my gp. She discussed that she is not equipped to manage acute care and that I need long term intensive support. That my eating issues need to be addressed and she is concerned about my ongoing safety concerns. I expressed my frustration with her that I haven't addressed any of the issues that I came to her with. I am angry with myself that ever since I started with these controlled eating issues everything has spiralled out of control. I didn't go to her with eating issues, I wasn't self harming and I wasn't constantly fighting against si. I'm angry that I've started all these and just made every worse.
She didn't say that she won't see me anymore, but didn't say see you next time either. She wants me to discuss it with my gp around what is going to be best moving forward. I don't know what is going to happen. I don't know where to go. I appear to be not acute enough to comm mh but too acute for my psych. So where does that leave me? Is there even a service that I will fit in to?
I will see my gp tomorrow, but she won't have a report from my psych until next week. Both comm mh and my psych have spoken about a referral to PHN? I'm not sure what the wait is like for that, but I really need something now.
kinda feel left hanging. Abandoned. Overwhelmed and frustrated. Trying to hold everything together as to not to begin spiralling again. I need to pick myself up. I ate breakfast today and lunch and then afternoon tea with my daughter when she got home from school. But not hungry tonight. I'm trying... I really am.

Hi @Bow

What an exciting day for you and your daughter - first day of kinder. Hope you took some happy snaps.

I totally understand your feelings of being overwhelmed and frustrated. They say putting your hand up and asking for help is the hardest thing to do. I disagree, as from my experience - actually getting the help you have asked for and so desperately need, is the hardest part. I spent all of last year with a disinterested GP, an uncompassionate Psychiatrist and damaging/hurtful psychologist.

Even though I struggled every day (& still do), I kept persisting to find a medical team that is on my side and is supportive & helpful. I'm yet to have my appt with my new psychiatrist (I see her next week) but meeting with only a supportive psychologist at this point, has given me some hope. I see my new GP for only the 2nd visit on Thursday.

I encourage you to keep searching for the help you so deserve. You've got a really supportive GP, which is a fantastic starting point. Hopefully during tomorrow's appointment with her, some of your questions & concerns will be answered.

Well Done on having breakfast, lunch and afternoon tea - that's a great accomplishment, based on how little you've been eating of late.

Hang on @Bow . We can support each other through this.

thanks for taking the time to responde @WIP i appreciate it.

yes we took lots of photos, shame i cant share any. she looked cute in her uniform.

i agree- putting your hand up for help isnt the hardest part, getting the help is. rejection and adandonment is hard, making you feel worthless and a piece of junk. im glad to hear that it sounds like you have a good team around you finally, good on you for persisting.

im feeling really broken and alone tonight.

Sitting with you @Bow. Broken does not mean worthless, sometimes it means being in need of care and gentle holding. Hope tomorrow is better for you

if i have any hope of being able to stay with my psych, i need to do the right thing and keep myself safe, im willing to hand everything over or throw it all out. but im fighting everything inside tonight i feel so uncomfortable.