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My Mosaic

BowSenior Contributor18 Nov 2020, 7:26 pm AEDT

My Mosaic

I like mosaic art, I’ve never actually done any, but it intrigued me. Made up of hundreds of tiny pieces of stone, glass and ceramic. If you look at it close up it doesn’t really look like anything special, if anything it looks like a mess. But if you take a step back and view the whole picture- it’s a master piece. I guess it’s kind of like life. So many tiny parts, some messy if we look just at the one part. Some day i guess I’d hope that the mess of my life will at some point look half decent.

So here is part of my mosaic, bits and pieces kept tidy together 🙂

tagging you @Emelia8 cause you asked 🙂

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In response to: My Mosaic

BowSenior Contributor16 July 2023, 7:34 pm AEST

Re: My Mosaic

That usually just ends up badly don’t you think @tyme ?

I don’t really know what to do. Very much trapped.
I see my psychologist on Wednesday. so much to unload but I don’t trust her. It’s starting all over again.

fuck I am so horrible selfish

In response to: Re: My Mosaic

tymeModerator16 July 2023, 7:47 pm AEST

Re: My Mosaic

Talking about how you feel rather that what you think you want to do are different things, is that what you are referring to @Bow ? Please forgive me if I'm completely off track.

You are not being selfish. You are doing what you can to survive.

In response to: Re: My Mosaic

BowSenior Contributor16 July 2023, 7:59 pm AEST

Re: My Mosaic

I’m not sure @tyme I’m not sure what you are referring to me referring to. Sorry.

yes they are two different things. What I feel and what I wanna do.

In response to: Re: My Mosaic

BowSenior Contributor16 July 2023, 8:03 pm AEST

Re: My Mosaic

I get so….. hmm what’s the word… consumed by this. Wanting to die. When there is so much going on around me, things that I should be focused on, things I should be concerned about. But me head is elsewhere. Thinking about, yearning for, planning.

In response to: Re: My Mosaic

tymeModerator16 July 2023, 8:26 pm AEST

Re: My Mosaic

Hearing you @Bow ,

Believe it or not, I was in a similar boat. For 15 years, I yearned to die. Every living moment was thinking and planning ways to die. Living was torture. I lived to die.

To be honest, I'm not sure what changed. I should also share, I will have constant thoughts of SI and SH. However, I do not act on these thoughts.

I was concerned about having these thoughts for a long time, and thought something was 'wrong' with me. But after speaking to my therapist, I was told it is okay to have these thoughts. The issue is if I act on the thoughts.

So it looks like part of my BPD is having chronic SI/SH thoughts.

What are your thoughts about this?

In response to: Re: My Mosaic

BowSenior Contributor16 July 2023, 8:45 pm AEST

Re: My Mosaic

Are you saying that you still have these thoughts today @tyme ??? But that you just don’t act on them?

living does feel like torture at the moment. I’ve had psychiatric speak over me that this will be my life and I will one day be successful at ending my life. I remember when I was in hospital recently, I snuck a peak at a nurses patient summary thing. Next to my name- 3 lethal attempts.
why am I still here????? I don’t want to be. I have what I need. And my impulsivity scares me all the time. Maybe that is where we are different.

In response to: Re: My Mosaic

tymeModerator16 July 2023, 9:21 pm AEST

Re: My Mosaic

TW: Suicide/Self-Harm/Hospital

Believe it or not, yes. I still have those thoughts constantly. I've just learnt to treat them as background noise @Bow .

Content/trigger warning

I've had it very very very rough @Bow . People probably don't believe me, but I've had more hospital admissions than one would ever believe. I was special'd each time because no one could guarantee my safety, not even myself.

I've also peaked at my records while in hospital. My name was always in BIG, BRIGHT RED. I also had a tracker placed around my ankle so I wouldn't abscond. I've been close to death in ICU many times. I've had physical and chemical restraints. I was in utter distress.

I've had it very very very rough . People probably don't believe me, but I've had more hospital admissions than one would ever believe. I was special'd each time because no one could guarantee my safety, not even myself.I've also peaked at my records while in hospital. My name was always in BIG, BRIGHT RED. I also had a tracker placed around my ankle so I wouldn't abscond. I've been close to death in ICU many times. I've had physical and chemical restraints. I was in utter distress.

@Bow , I'm pouring this out to you because I want you to know there IS hope. I was a lost cause, yet I am here to tell the story.

In response to: Re: My Mosaic

SnowieSenior Contributor17 July 2023, 1:15 pm AEST

Re: My Mosaic

Sending lots of love and strength your way @Bow

Still sitting here with you 💗💗

In response to: Re: My Mosaic

BowSenior Contributor17 July 2023, 7:00 pm AEST

Re: My Mosaic

TW- hospital, SH, SI

@tyme I’m not sure when your back on but I hope you get this.

Also I don’t know how to do one of them trigger boxes sorry. So if it needs it, then can someone do it please instead of just removing my post.

firstly thank you for sharing what you have. I really appreciate your vulnerability and openness. I guess that’s what you’re around here for though…. To safely share your story to help others?
I’m heaps sorry that you have been through all of that but glad that you’re on the other side of it all and can use it to encourage others.

Content/trigger warning

But things are different now. I don’t lash out. I internalise a lot of my anger. My attempts are more…. thought out and planned and have been far more lethal as a result. Close to death on a number of occasions in icu last year.

I don’t know why I survived that attempt all those years ago and I don’t know why I survived all those attempts last year. I wish that I could say that I’m glad I did. And I wish I could say that cause I did I can see that there is hope. But I just don’t. I think the fact that I am back struggling with my mental health proves to me that I am cursed. That all the horrible bad things that have happened to me are cause I am a bad person who deserves it all. It’s all punishment.

back in my early mental health struggles, I was very volatile. I was a very angry person. I was chemically and physically restrained many times. I remember doing a runner from the ed and getting to the other end of the carpark before being tackled to the ground by 6 security guards and dragged back inside. I was a frequent flyer. I remember barricading myself into my room and causing such a commotion, my mum was called to try and talk me down- that resulted in being moved to the mh icu. I once managed to get out of the main mh unit and snuck into a small room off reception. I hid there for ages and had everyone looking for me. I was waiting for the optune moment for the front door to open and to escape. I was eventually found and sent to my icu. I lashed out so much. I was so angry. I spent some much time in hospital over 4 years. But I only ever once did something potentially lethal. Sat at my gp office for hours and got a script. Went to the chemist and got it filled and went home. Fortunately? The chemist gave me the wrong meds and just made me heaps sick. That was a turning point for me then. But things are different now. I don’t lash out. I internalise a lot of my anger. My attempts are more…. thought out and planned and have been far more lethal as a result. Close to death on a number of occasions in icu last year. I don’t know why I survived that attempt all those years ago and I don’t know why I survived all those attempts last year. I wish that I could say that I’m glad I did. And I wish I could say that cause I did I can see that there is hope. But I just don’t. I think the fact that I am back struggling with my mental health proves to me that I am cursed. That all the horrible bad things that have happened to me are cause I am a bad person who deserves it all. It’s all punishment.

I can’t list it all, it would certainly get removed. Heck this will probably get removed anyways too.

In response to: Re: My Mosaic

BowSenior Contributor17 July 2023, 7:01 pm AEST

Re: My Mosaic

Thanks @Snowie could do with the company at the moment

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