My Mosaic

Are you safe @Bow ?

🩵🦋🩵

😞 So sad to hear where you're at @Bow 😞

Sending wishes... 💜

Hoping you got some decent sleep last night @Bow and today is a little better for you.

I'm sure D is looking forward to holidays.

Sending lots of love 💗💗

Not a good night. Woke a lot. Not been such a good start to the day.

@Bow sorry to hear that.

Am around if you need a chat or to just sit

i see my dietitan on friday, i got the reminder for the appointment today. i am so anxious about it. i havent met any of my goals that we set, ive just got worse. i feel like i am just wasting her time and my money. why even bother going????

ive put so much stuff into recovery records, my honest thoughts and feelings and she is gonna be able to read it all. she will see my lack of intake and then what???? whats the point when i have no desire to increase my intake. i hate my body too much. i dont deserve it. urgh

@Bow I don't really understand ED so I can't really comment on your post.

I am however here listening and sitting with you 💕💕

Hi @Bow

I often feel that I am wasting my pdoc’s time as well as my money and I have even told her that. She said it was my choice to keep coming but she couldn’t do therapy by herself.

She just asks that I be honest with her. I would think your dietitian expects similar. It’s an illness that didn’t come overnight and won’t be cured overnight and always remember “those that are well don’t need a physician”.

Sitting with you 🤗🦋🤗

TW: SA

Thanks snowie and eve

Eve I’ve tried to cancel on my dietitian before and told her I didn’t want to waste her time. She replied and said my sessions with her are never a waste of her time. But I feel like they are.
I feel like I waste everyone’s time. Im such a terrible person. A waste of space. I don’t even know why people bother with me anymore. I’ve not change at all, nothing has changed, nothing has got better. If anything it’s all just getting worse. The spiral I get on just gets darker and darker.
I often think about all the bad things that have happened to me over the years it can’t be all a coincidence can it??? Like all that bad stuff. To just one person? All that sa as a kid. It didn’t stop it went on for years. No one stepped in to help. They all just laughed. They all just made fun of me. I hated going I hated going to that place but I had to I had to go. Every second weekend I went to that horrible place where they all took advantage of me and used me as a pawn in their games. For years it went on for. That was at one house. At the other house. Home. That wasn’t safe either. He sa me too. Rped me. Probably can’t even use that word here. Sucks it’s my story my truth. He took advantage of me too. Every July my body forces me to remember what he did to me there is no escaping it. He stopped as quickly as he started and then never spoke of it again. Just continued on with life as if nothing ever happened. But I always remembered. His dead now. Good riddance. You’d think that after all that I would be able to fight them off. That I’d be able to make them stop. But no. My body just freezes. That’s what happened when someone else did it. 3 times he took advantage of me. It was quick. I don’t know what happened to him. And then more recently. My own fault. Should never of been there. So stupid. I should of known better. After all them other times I should know that you can be out like that. My body froze again I couldn’t escape it. I often see people, men and wonder if it is him. I never got a good look at what he looked like. I’ll never know. I’ll always live in that fear what if that is him? Now ya can’t say it’s all a coincidence??! Can you??? I reckon some people are just marked.
no one can change any of that. No one can make any of that better. It will always haunt me. Always leave me on edge. Always make me a bad person that deserves all of this crap. It’s not fair. I wish I didn’t have to keep living with all these memories. Wish I didn’t have to keep remembering things that I don’t wanna remember. But I don’t see any other way out of this. No other way to make it all disappear.