My Mosaic

just feeling really defeated today and i dont know what to do.

I went and seen my case manager this morning and i got the impression that she was frustrated with me. im still working through and processing everything that happened in my appointment with my pdoc yesterday and struggled to find many words to speak in my appointment this morning. my CM wanted to know what i thought about it and i struggled. i told her the focus on the numbers were really unhelpful. and the demands to put my bike away also unhelpful and that i wont do it. my CM said something along the lines of at the end of the day they cant make me do anything and that they are just trying to keep my brain healthy. i tried to explain to her my struggle to get in the shower and that its getting worse and she asked me why... i told her cause i dont want to see my body. she said thats normal. and everyone has that issue. i felt really invalidated

she then abruptly stands up and appointment over. see ya next week.

went and sat in my car. tried to call the sane helpline, waited 45mins.... i thought cutting the hours meant it would free up workers?? i gave up and drove home.

pretty emotional

I’m sorry it’s been so hard @Bow. I understand how it feels to be invalidated. I wish for you that your ED voices weren’t so loud. With showering can you turn your back to the mirror? Or does your voices make you look? The only time I look in the mirror is if I’m straightening my hair and by then I’m fully clothed.

i wish it was that simple @Captain24 we dont even have a mirror in where the shower is, its not that. its just seeing my body. id have to close my eye. shower in the dark perhaps. so i cant see.

Uuhh I understand that @Bow. I feel disgusted when I see when I see my stomach. That’s also where my SH marks are because I hate it so much.

Maybe the dark would make it easier. Could you shower in the dark before you go to bed? Just a suggestion

guess i could give it a try @Captain24 as lomng as i dont hurt myself... slip over or amnything

Can you put the light on outside the bathroom just for a little bit of shadowed light? @Bow or a lamp/torch? Not enough for you to see yourself but enough for safety?

Im just thinking it’s one less thing for you to be disgusted about. I don’t shower for days and feel disgusting

@Captain24 could try just using the torch on my phone i guess. ill give it a try

Feeling like this ED has taken grip and there is no turning back now. Doing things that I’ve not done before. Not feeling well tonight

I'm sorry to hear that @Bow . Do you feel you want to go back to hospital?

I wish it was easier for you right now. It sounds so dark and difficult. Are you able to reach out to the Butterfly Foundation?

Sitting with you @Bow

🩵 🦋🩵