My Mosaic

@Bow I know it is hard when we are fixated on something. When we can see nothing else except that one thing.

Here with you

Feel so much worse tonight

feel the spiral down

Hey @Bow ,

I'm sorry it is so hard tonight. I really don't have much to say or add to the above posts.

Logically, one would be thinking, "They want to help you, but you don't/can't do what they are saying", yet on the other hand, I acknowledge how hard it would be for you to pack away your bike and not use it - the physical, emotional strain this would be having on you would be immense.

There's a difference between being shown the door, and being able to walk through it.

I'm not going to lie. I honestly do not have the expertise to be able to know what to say.

I wish I had more of an understanding of how to better support you, but I don't. So for now, I think it's just about me sitting with you and hoping that one day, things get better.

Hugs

It’s ok. Don’t think anyone can help me. I feel very alone at the moment.

I'd be grateful if you could explain what it feels like @Bow . I don't want to make assumptions.

Is it like you logically know what is 'right', but there is a stronger power inside that won't let you?

As I said, no pressure to answer. I just wish I understood more so you wouldn't have to feel so alone.

@tyme I don’t even think there is that logical part of me anymore. It has been run down, stamped all over, that healthy adult self is pretty much nonexistent. I don’t hear it. You ask me what it says and I can’t tell you anymore.
I think I use to reason with my pdoc, today, I just argued with her. That more stronger power has completely taken over.

I can not verbally put into words accurately the intensity of the self hatred that I hold towards myself @tyme there are just not words. I stand in front of my mirror in my room and hurl verbal abuse at myself. The absolute disgust towards my body and what it looks like. I cuss at myself when a movement that use to be really easy in a smaller body is now hard cause of the extra weight I carry. When clothes don’t fit as well I cuss and abuse myself. I don’t shower for days mostly because I can not bare to see my naked body. I am so uncomfortable in my own body and so extremely self conscious of my body that I don’t go and wander the shops anymore. I go out only when I need to. I know things are extreme when I think about ways of removing skin in a self harm way

It must be so difficult @Bow . Thank you for sharing.

It's so hard to be living between two 'voices' (not literal voices). Just two sides where it's like you are torn between two each day.

I just really hope community MH keeps you on. I wouldn't want them to 'let you go' because 'you don't listen' or 'work with them'.

I read how hard it was for you to get a CM in the first place.

Please just hang in there. I hear how hard it is for you right now.

Hey @Bow you don’t need to be sorry. I know you are trying hard to get well and soon today will pass and we all get to have a better tomorrow.

Tiny steps are still steps and packing away a bike won’t be a cure…tiny steps 🩵💙🩵

Dear @Bow , I really feel for you...I don't have the same issues but I try to compare them to my issues, like how strong a hold my germophobia has on me and the distress it causes in my life...and I feel so sad for you 🫂

Sending 💜 and wishes...