My Mosaic

Back home and in bed.

I got my ED support plan done. Did not have to be weighed thankfully.
Told my gp things ain’t been ok. Told her what happened on Tuesday with the psych reg. But when it came to her asking if I was safe and if I had a plan and if I could promise her that I wouldn’t unalive myself. I couldn’t be honest.

my CM is calling shortly

Glad you got through your gp appointment @Bow

I can understand not being honest with the gp. It is hard to do so.

I hope the CM rings soon.

My CM called. Much later than she said. But she called. But I ended up hanging up on her. She was pushing for me to go to hospital. And wanting to know what my plan was. Being in bed for 2 days is not like me. It’s a real sign that things have got significantly worse.

She called my mum like she does. She had spoken to the team and wanted to call an ambulance. I said no. I’m not going. I’m not going to sit in an ED for 2 days and be messed around like i was last time. Mum said they are all concerned and said that she would sleep in my bed with me tonight. I’ve opted for my daughter to. I won’t do anything to unalive myself while she is around.

Im pissed off. I’m angry and upset. I’m tired and fed up with everything and just want it all over with. 😩😩

I'm so sorry things are feeling at this point. It must be so difficult to sit in that space and not know what to do. I hear the concerns of those around you in wanting you to go to hospital, yet I also hear you hesitations @Bow .

Please continue to reach out. We can only hope and pray that things get better for you.

@Bow I'm glad you have got your mum and daughter with you.

I'm sorry things are so tough for you.

I feel so sick tonight. Chills. But hot. I held it together long enough to order dinner and eat something. Daughter had been begging to try something that we seen on TikTok. I didn’t wanna end up going to hospital and disappoint her. She’d be disappointed either way if that’s where I end up, but she was so looking forward to dinner. It’s over now though. I wanna go crawl back into bed now. I am so wrecked. Exhausted.

Everything is such mess and I don’t know what to do. Nothing is making anything feel better. I have zero hope of things getting better and I’m feeling so drawn to just go through with my plan. I know it’s selfish. I am selfish. That’s been made very clear to me.

Hey @Bow , it sounds very very difficult right now. I acknowledge the pain and the hurt.

Are you able to reach out to a service and speak to them so you have that more instantaneous support? You DO deserve it. You have such a bug heart for everyone and that is why it hurts so much.

You are not alone in this. We all care.

hugs my @Bow , sitting with you my friend xxxx

@Bow I hope you got some sleep last night. Wishing you a better day hon 💗💗

Community mh team came to visit today. I didn’t know they were coming, but thankfully the really lovely lady was on. They spent a heap of time talking with me and eventually I agreed to coming into hospital. I’m here voluntarily and just been moved to the mh short stay unit. I’m guessing that I won’t actually see a psychiatrist until Monday, which is annoying. They have recommenced my meds cause I stopped taking them a couple of days ago, didn’t see the point in putting drugs into my body when they didn’t help, but thinking perhaps that wasn’t an overly smart idea as the withdrawals have been horrendous and I feel pretty yuck. But it has made me think how much meds mess with and do stuff to our bodies when it feels this yuck when we stop taking them??

things are pretty bad at the moment. I really don’t hold much hope for anything and I hate being in this place. Hated having to leave my daughter sobbing in her room this afternoon when she didn’t want me to go.