My Mosaic

My CM called to let me know about ECT. It is preferred that it be done as an inpatient. She said that they usually do Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and then depending how I go, I could then go home for the rest of the week and then back for the start of the next lot of treatments. This would be done for a month, 12 sessions. And then they would talk about maintenance and that could look like all sorts of things. 2 doctors have apparently signed off on it for me, so it’s suitable for me. Just need to make the decision as to whether I go ahead with it. Now she did say it’s ‘preferred’ as an inpatient, but she didn’t say anything about any outpatient options. I didn’t ask either. Am very much in a I don’t care, too depressed to do anything kinda state. Haven’t gotten up today. Haven’t eaten or drank anything, Just wanna stop all my meds they don’t help anyways so why take them, stop therapy, stop attending appointments, and just disappear. I can’t bare this anymore. The pull towards making a final and permanent decision is getting stronger by the hour. I google stuff and find myself thinking about it all the time. I have tried to sleep today, but the noises in my head have been so loud. ‘Your selfish’ keep playing over and over in my head.

@Bow

💙💙💙

Hugs @Bow

That registrar did a lot of damage with those words "You're selfish" - I'm so sorry, @Bow 😞

Concerned for you and sending wishes for your SI and SH to ease and for some hope and strength for you 💜

I'm hearing you @Bow

Hugs sweetheart 💝

I had the worst nights sleep so far. Really did not sleep until around 4am.
I have a gp appointment today. I need to renew my eating disorder support plan for my dietitian. I do not want to go. I will be weighed. I can not look, but it’s put in the plan which is then printed out and given to me. She will also ask me heaps of questions. She will ask if I can promise her that I won’t hurt myself and I really don’t think I can promise that anymore.

Sending you my thoughts @Bow

@Bow I am guessing that this gp appointment is going to be really hard for you. I know how difficult it is to be honest with our supports, especially when we can't promise them things.

Yesterday you offered to be in my pocket when I went to the gp, so I will do the same. In your pocket hon as you go to this really stressful appointment. I'm sure many of us will be there with you hon 💕💕

It’s really hard @Bow. But you can. You have made it this far. You have more strength than you realise