My Mosaic

Thanks @Snowie

I ended up texting my CM. She called me within a couple of minutes. She asked me if I would reconsider ECT. I am so terrified of it. I’m terrified of the procedure itself. I am terrified of the long term side effects. And I am terrified of being in hospital for so long, and then my ex potentially finding out and how disruptive it would be to my daughter and everyone else.
I asked what it would look like. And I explained to her how I did it back in my 20s. That I would go home later that afternoon after having ECT and then return the night before the next one. She’s going to look into it more and im going to go in and see her tomorrow morning instead of her just calling me.

just so scared. Scared to have ECT. But scared to keep living like this.

@Bow I am glad that you can see your CM tomorrow.

Are you able to ask about having ECT as an outpatient. That is what I do. I go in the morning and come out that afternoon. I also have been having it done fortnightly and I find it doesn't affect me as much and doesn't affect my short term memory either. The pdoc is even thinking about doing it once a month too, just to space it out even more.

I’ve asked previously about it being done as an outpatient and I’ve nearly always been told no @Snowie. one registrar in hospital said it may be able to be done that way, but he caused so many issues while I was in there, I don’t trust him and what he says.

i will talk with my CM tomorrow more about it, talk about my concerns and tell her how I would like it to be done. I’d imagine that they would like me to have a course of it over a number of weeks to start with. I then have an appointment with a registrar I think that’s what he is, on Tuesday. My usual pdoc is away. So I can talk more about it then also. I’d prefer to talk with my pdoc, but no one really knows when she will be back.

@Bow It might be something you can talk to the registrar about. I wouldn't want to go back into hospital either, so it is having it as an out patient or not having it at all.

I hope your pdoc isn't away for too long. I know they deserve time away but it doesn't help us.

I will definitely ask about having it as an outpatient @Snowie and if that is not at all possible, I will be asking if I can have it the same as I had it back in my 20s. Go in the night before, have ECT in the morning, then home that afternoon. I understand that they may want to see how I am for the first couple, so I’d agree to staying in for like the first week to start with, but then I’d like to go home in between.

It certainly is a hard decision @Bow and even harder when we have our children to think about. They are affected by our hospital visits too.

Maybe you can start of going in the night before and then doing it as an outpatient.

Where I have it done it is either as an inpatient or outpatient. There is nothing really in between.

It’s a huge decision @Snowie

I need to talk with my mum about it too. I will wait till maybe after I see my CM tomorrow or even Tuesday. Apparently some tests need to be done before hand, which they started doing when I was in hospital last time cause they all thought that’s what I was in there for. Some blood work, which I had done and also a chest X-ray. I don’t see why that can’t be done as an outpatient???

The reason my CM called my mum this morning about my daughter was apparently there was talk about getting a service involved for my daughter. Where someone comes into the home and talks to her about what is going on for me or something. I’m really hesitant in doing that. I think she is too young to understand about it all. I’d kinda prefer she just know that I am ‘sick’ and sometimes need to go into hospital to get better. She doesn’t ask questions about it and I know that she is safe and well looked after with my mum. I’d prefer it to stay that way. If she knew the truth she would tell her dad and I don’t want him knowing. Anyways, I agreed to my CM calling the service and finding out more about it, but that’s all.

It is a big decision for you @Bow and certainly need to talk to your mum about it.

It is hard to know just how much we share with our children. If they are young it is sometimes better for them just to know that we are just 'sick' and need that time in hospital. It might be worth just talking about this service with your CM. It cannot hurt just having a conversation about it. You are not saying yes or no to it.

I guess with my kids it is different as they are 15 and 17. So they know about my mental illness, that I go and have ECT and that I have had to go into hospital at different times. They don't know about my childhood trauma however or my SH and SI. These things I think they are still too young to know about, or maybe I am just trying to protect them. They just think it is work related.

Yeah my daughter is certainly too young to know about any of this @Snowie . My last admission she just thought I had a headache. My last medical admission when I ended up with an NG tube, I just explained that I was getting some of my medicine through the NG tube- I had to tell her something as they were allowed to come in and see me, otherwise I wouldn’t of told her anything.

your kids are much older and more mature, I forget which is the oldest, but they are nearly an adult. I think it’s very much an individual decision as to what we tell our kids and family.

have you ever shared on the forums a bit about your story with work @Snowie ? You mentioned work. And that you have to wait for work cover to approve things. I never know if it’s ok to ask what happened? Totally ok if you don’t like to/ want to talk about it. I respect that. 💕

It does depend on their age quite a bit @Bow, you certainly are right there. I guess when I started having problems with my mental illness my kids were about 12 and 14, so just going into hospital b/c I was 'sick' wasn't enough info for them. I have been pretty honest about it from the start. But then again, they are older then your daughter.

No it is ok to ask about my work. I haven't really shared much about it. I was a secondary school teacher in a very hard school. Culturally, economically and socially there were many problems with students and parents. For about the last 2 years of my career, I wasn't doing much teaching but in charge of a few different year levels. It wasn't just one incident, it was quite a few that had happened. My breakdown happened quite quickly and not something that I saw coming. I have been on work cover ever since. I would really love to get back to teaching, but it is hard to see a future where I am. I guess at this stage, it is hard to see a future at all.