My Mosaic

I’m glad she was a good one @Bow and has helped you with some strategies.

Im going away in 2 weeks so I’ll have a look at Kmart there. I’m willing to give anything a go!

Im glad the cookies turned out. My only cooking comes from packets!

I hope you are doing ok tonight.

Urgh lost so much time tonight and done bad things to myself I don’t remember 😩

Can you find ways to ground yourself at this moment @Bow ? e.g. shakti? mindfulness app?

Just wanna sleep @tyme

And that's okay too @Bow . Sleep will bring reprieve to a certain extent. So now it is about doing things to get yourself to sleep. Maybe some drawing or colouring?

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@Bow wrote:

15mins is still a good effort @NatureLover! keep going at it!

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Thanks, dear @Bow ❤️

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@Bow wrote:

I really haven’t been sleeping well the last couple of weeks. Taking ages to get off to sleep despite an increase in my meds- I’m really desperate for something to knock me out of a night.

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That's not good that the meds increase hasn't helped your sleep 😞 Sending wishes for better sleep 💜

I seen my psychologist today. She thinks it’s best we put exposure therapy on hold for the time being because of everything else that I have going on (my step dad dying). She apologised for not realising how serious? the situation is.

The last couple of sessions we have been talking about having a full cup, and when we hold it out, it gets very heavy very quickly. At the moment my cup is very full. And it’s heavy. And I’m not sleeping on top of everything. I understand this. I get it.

She seen that I had reached out late last week and that I had had a home visit over the weekend- so I think that concerned her around my capacity to cope with exposure therapy.

I felt really frustrated that we were needing to put it on hold. Something else that I don’t have control over. We don’t know how long he has. My psych did say that it’s ultimately my decision, perhaps it’s just on hold for this week, or maybe a few weeks, months…. Or year(s). It’s just so annoying that I’ve started this, I want to see it through to completion. Feels like I am failing at it. Something else that I can’t do.

I think I will aim to try and get my sleep sorted out and then revisit the idea of picking it back up then. I don’t want to put it on hold completely until after my step dad has passed. That’s too much uncertainty. Yes I’ll probably need to pause again when he does pass briefly. But I can’t just put my life… my recovery… on hold.

We sat and talked alot about my step dad, where things are at at the moment. She helped me put together a plan around talking to my daughter about him dying. She knows that he is sick, but I don’t think she knows how sick he is and I don’t think I’ve ever had a conversation with her about him dying.

We finally have palliative care coming tomorrow. They will do an assessment. I wonder if they will be able to give us… or at least me… some kind of idea of how long. I really struggle with that uncertainty. I know that no one can give us a definitive answer, but a rough time frame would be helpful.

We talked about how the helpless part of me and the abuser have been very loud. I am getting better at recognising when each part is present. We tend to put them in seperate chairs and I can point at the chairs when I get those intrusive thoughts from each part. I just need to somehow get better at ignoring them and putting them in their boxes etc. That is very much a work in progress.

I need to be taking care of my vulnerable child. Being kind, compassionate, nurturing and nourishing. I need to be getting out of the house more often (I’ve kind of become a bit of a home body, partly cause I feel like I need to be there for mum and partly cause I am so self conscious of my body), I need to reconnect and catch up with friends (I’ve avoid that cause of how self conscious I am if my body) and I also need to get back to church (same reasons… and cause I don’t know if it’s the place for me at the moment). I also quietly mentioned that I need to reduce the amount of exercise I do (to which my psychologist loudly cheered!). I can’t quit all together, I’d just be setting myself up to fail. I did 10mins less today!

Well if you got this far, thanks.

@NatureLover @tyme @Captain24 @creative_writer @Snowie @Emelia8 @Eve7 @Jynx

You have not failed @Bow 💝

Exposure therapy is hard enough at the best of times. But you started it during your trauma anniversary. Now your step dad is so unwell. Thats hard.

Yes thats an analogy my clinical psych uses a lot too. About a PTSD affected persons brain, their bucket is close to brimming at all times. It doesnt take much to cause it to overflow. You have a lot going on.

It is not failure, nor a sign of weakness, to decide to put your ET on hold for a while. Take a break. Support your mum, daughter and step dad as best you can. But dont forget that you need support too. I hope you will continue to see your therapist, even while you are not doing the ET.

But give yourself a break. Accept you are making a difficult decision to defer your treatment, for the greater good of all. You can get back to it later, hopefully at a time you are better equipped to handle it.

Emelia 😔♥

Hey @Bow How do you feel about putting the sessions on hold? You mentioned feeling like a failure.. I wouldn't see it that way. Recovery isn't linear and there are always going to be things that happen and things that throw us off. Giving yourself the space to deal with what is happening right now is just as important so I really don't see it as a failure.

I'm sorry to hear about your step dad. I have been through similar and the not knowing and just holding on, waiting and feeling really sad and in limbo is awful. I hear how much it's distressing you.

Be kind to yourself Bow 💝