My Mosaic

@Bow sounds like a pretty darn exhausting day for sure. How is the market though? Do you get any time to like, wander around?

I can understand why it doesn't feel like something to look forward to but... I hope there's something to surprise you, and you get a chance to be curious, or get to treat yourself or something. And no matter what, at the end of the day your forums fam will be here too for you to check in with 💜

@Jynx The market is ok. It’s their Christmas one, so bigger than usual. Hopefully we will have some time to wander and daughter can get her face painted too.

@Bow aww sounds pretty exciting! Also though, pretty full-on 😶

I hope you get to indulge in your little one's delight, cos that does sound pretty special. Only wish we could get to see! Maybe even being firm and saying that it's something you insist on being able to do - getting that bit of time for yourself to create some special memories 💜

I had a beyond difficult session with my psychologist this morning, it was so bloody hard and really not doing ok tonight. I was disassociating a lot and have continued to do so this afternoon. Really struggling to stay present and grounded.

I shared with my psychologist what I wrote about the little girls. She said it was really good, publishable and that it was real progress in that I was able to connect with my vulnerable child.

we talked about my psychologist calling and speaking to my mum and just letting her know that this is a really difficult time of the year and that I will be experiencing some trauma responses. I agreed to my psychologist having that conversation with my mum. We also talked about ways in which my mum could potentially help support me at the moment. Now my mum is all quiet and weird this afternoon. Not talking much and appears really moody. I don’t know if that conversation has occurred now cause this is not how I wanted her to respond???
That just makes me feel even worse.

Today was my last appointment with my psychologist now until the first week of January. It’s such a shitty time of the year to be having all these trauma responses. My psychologist isn’t really having any time off… but due to public holidays and the days that she works I won’t see her next week and then I’m due to see her on the NY day public holiday but she said she will fit me in on the Tuesday or Wednesday. I know others have bigger breaks from their psychs, so I’m sorry to end talk about this but i think I’ll really feel not seeing her next week.

I just wanna go crawl into bed and disappear forever. I feel so raw. So vulnerable. I hurt. My head is pounding. I’m too scared to keep doing this.

dearest @Bow, what a big day ❤️ You're such a strong person for getting through a big session like this.

What do you mean by "you're too scared to keep doing this"?

I wonder if you could ask your mum if the call happened today? I imagine it might be a bit scary for her to know what's happened, but that she will want to be there for you. If I remember, she's been there for you at different points?

You don't deserve to go through any of this alone, especially over the Christmas/New Year time

@Former-Member I asked my mum over dinner if she was ok. She said she was ok and asked if I was ok, I said yeah and then she told me that my psychologist had called her as she was concerned about me. I left it at that.

So the phone call did happen. If I didn’t say anything over dinner where would things be? Would she have said anything? Or would she have just kept quiet?

There is no way I am telling her about what happened. My psychologist did touch on it briefly today, that that may be the end goal of getting to a place where I could tell mum about all the trauma. No way. That is not happening. Can not ever imagine being in a place where I would feel ok about that.

Too scared to keep doing this….. I’m too scared to keep processing this trauma. Too scared to keep attending therapy. Too scared to face another day with all these trauma responses relentlessly bombarding my mind. I’m so broken tonight. Shattered

Hugs and hugs my @Bow 🥰

Who can know what would happen if you hadn't asked @Bow, but hopefully it's a step in the right direction.

And whatever the end goal is, it will be your choice what you tell your mum based on all the possibilities. Therapy was tough and scary for me too, but in the long-run it was (and still is) life changing.

What can you do this evening to create a safe and calm space for yourself?

After a tough therapy session, I make sure my room is really cosy and safe with a big glass of cold water and hot tea, a nice fluffy blanket and some other things too. What do you think?

I’ve just crawled into bed @Former-Member it’s a bit cool here tonight so snuggling up under the covers feels nice.

I just wanna cry though. In so much pain tonight. Emotional and physical.

@Bow, I'm glad that feels nice. Sometimes it's the little things ❤️

You can cry, there's nothing wrong with it. Did you our brains release endorphins when we cry and our tears help flush stress hormones?