My Mosaic

I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke in the middle of the night with a really painful headache. Ended up getting up and getting a heat pack, which helped enough for me to get back off to sleep.

up early this morning to take mum to market. We helped set her up and then me a my daughter came back home. Cause my D heard me talking about my headache, she ordered me back to bed even though I no longer really had a headache. She wants to be ‘kind’ to me today. Make me lunch in bed. And has written up a list of things that she can do for me today. Which is nice.

But then we got the call from my mum to hurry back down to the market to pack up cause of the really bad winds. Stall holders had had things broken and they made the decision to cancel the market for the rest of the day. I was laying in bed expecting the call cause it’s terrible windy outside.

But I’m back home in bed again. I don’t really plan to do much but lay in bed for the day. I need a rest day. And I’m tired. D is attending to all my needs. Hopefully she will leave me alone long enough to have a nap this afternoon, that will be nice!

I finish in 2 weeks for this year @NatureLover so just a couple of tests to go. The course will take until I’m 90 at this rate lol

It’s raining here today so I’m inside this morning and off to the movies this afternoon.

Hopefully you will be able to find some time @Bow. It get pretty hard when it seems like it’s all go go go.

I go back to work tomorrow. I’m not looking forward to it but at least it will be a distraction. I really need that.

Ramblings after my psychologist appointment…..

You don’t fit in

Your too different from the rest

They won’t accept you as you are

People don’t like you

Or out of obligation they befriend you

You grew up as the outcast

Your parents divorce made you different

You moved around as a kid

Freckled faced, red haired and tall

You stuck out from the rest

Making friends as a kid was hard

You couldn’t go to parties

You missed games and grand finals

Cause your life was marked so early on to be so different from the rest

Your dad treated you different

You weren’t like the other kids

Hand me down and dark rooms

Emotional abuse took its toll

Your whole life has been marred by bullies

Verbal, physical and even death threats

They thought you were really sick

But it was just the stress from the bullies

Your school life was torture

You were alone and rejected

Your husband couldn’t even love you

He didn’t respect your value

He just trampled all over you

Threw you to the kerb

Marked with the scarlet D

Singled out from the rest

Your friends keep leaving you

Your not worthy of their friendship

You keep trying but why bother

When it’s just you that makes the effort

There is something awfully wrong with you

It can’t all just be coincidence

That you life has turned out this way

There is no erasing all that has been said and done

Trapped within these prison walls

Shackled and alone

You will never find your place Beyond these darkened shadows

@Bow ❤️ your writing is so beautiful, including in its pain and torture. I am so glad you have shared what you're sitting with, as I imagine so many of us can connect to aspects of your story and your pain.

You have been through so much and it feels like it is all surfacing after your appointment today. Go gently with yourself, knowing that it is all there right now. We are sitting with you, waiting for the intensity to pass 🌻

What do you need right now? Would it be a good time to reach out to some of your supports?

I don’t know what I need @Former-Member

i Need my psychologist to know how much this affects me. How deep it runs. Sometimes I really struggle to get words out with her, and I can’t express things properly. To the extent and intensity that I feel them. And then I feel like it just comes across as a small issue, something that will be easily sorted. I feel like nothing can fix this. Nothing can fix me. That I am just too broken. No one can undo all the damage that has been done.

Hi @Bow

Your words are beautiful and powerful, I want you to know that. I can hear how many big feelings you're sitting with right now and that must be so tough. Whenever I feel like I am broken and unfixable I think of the Japanese art of Kintsugi. This is the art of fixing broken pottery with gold. It reminds us that something can break and yet still be beautiful, and that, once repaired, it is stronger at the broken places. I've linked this article that you might like to read about it. It speaks of the strength and beauty that comes from being broken in the past. I hope you can find some comfort in the words.

https://www.wellbeing.com.au/mind-spirit/mind/kintsugi-the-art-of-being-broken.html

Think my life has been shattered into too many piece to be able to put back together @hanami

What’s the point 😩

I just want to say you are loved, appreciated and accepted right here and right now @Bow

💜💚💙🤗💙💚💜

There is definitely a point. You may be a work in progress but there is always enough gold to eventually put every piece back together.

Hugs

Hanami