My Mosaic

Hello @Bow i am fairly new here and have just read your posts over yr recent days and would like to encourage you to hold on. Not only for your own sake also your little girl. Do you like to drink hot chocolate? i found it can help with sleep. And i know that crying makes us feel weak and after bouts i usually eat a few potato chips or a little cheese with some vegemite on it to replace the salt and energy i have lost. How ever small it is, whenever you eat, consider that you are doing it for your little girl's sake. When she is older she will be glad that you hung in there ... wherever you go through sunshine or snow, this you can know, God cares ...

i enjoyed reading about your interest in painting ' i am interested but haven't done any for many years - would love to see some of yours at a convenient time - please please hang in there and i thank you in advance for enduring and hoping on

Hey @Bow , are you around?

Im just dropping by with some love for you. Thinking of you right now...

”He leads me beside still waters.....

Thanks @Mellysmellyelly appreciate you taking the time to read and reply. My daughter is the only thing that keeps me going, but sometimes when in a really dark place I often think she will be better off without me.

I do like hot chocoloate and will often have one before bed.

I’ll try and share some of my painting at some point- am just overly paranoid about being found out- I feel safe being able to come here and post.

Yep am around @Eve7 just managed some dinner- chicken and salad.

Thanks for thinking of me- waiting for your pick to come up

We’re having a bbq @Bow soon as it’s fired up!

Ill take the pic down once you’ve seen it.

💖🦋🤗

I had my gp appointment this afternoon. She again was lovely and very understanding.

She did a thorough mental health assessment, went right back over my childhood and early adult years. Asked so many questions, some really hard to talk about.

She has faxed everything off to a psychiatrist and wants me to get an urgent appointment with him. She wants him to confirm diagnosis, I was diagnosed back 12 yrs ago with schizophrenia, BPD and depression, she believes they are still current- I’m not sure about the schizophrenia? And not sure how I feel about being labeled with that? She believes I have an ED, I tick all the boxes and wants it confirmed because then I can get a separate health care plan to see a specialised psychologist for eating issues. I explained that I didn’t want to change from the one I have just started with as I have really connected with her and she is a Christian, which overall is really important to me. There doesn’t seem to be any eating disorder clinics in our area, at least for people like me.

She expressed concern about my restrictive eating and again has encouraged me to eat at least a banana and some crackers for breakfast and continue with dinner and to up my fluids- I admitted I don’t drink much either. She spoke to me about my potassium levels and how dangerous it can be if it gets low again. I already knew this though. I will have bloods done again tomorrow morning.

She checked my sh from last night and expressed concern around this. I hate making promises with people not to hurt myself, they feel like empty promises and a waste of time. But I said I wouldn’t do it.

She really wants to help me, which again was reassuring and spoke about me doing sh and restricting cause of everything that has and is going on for me and i do these things cause I don’t know what else to do. She wants to help me find solutions. She wants to see me at least once a week and I can call anytime in between.

I told mum the plan to see a psychiatrist, and nearly told her a few other things but stopped myself cause I remembered that she doesn’t know a lot. She doesn’t know that eating is still a massive issue for me, she doesn’t know that I sh.

I do feel heard again today yet so very anxious about these up coming bloods, anxious about the toad ahead.

When I got off all my meds 10yrs ago I thought that it was the end of my battle with my mental health. I even had the opportunity to travel and share some of my journey with random strangers. I am so disappointed that I find myself here again.

If you again got this far in my ramblings thank you. It makes the journey a tiny bit easier knowing that I have this safe place to come and off load.

Bow

A bbq sounds lovely @Eve7 and your pedi looks lovely!

i think I’m going to go for a walk soon.

Thank you for sharing @Bow that’s really brave of you

I, like you, thought I’d never be in this situation again after many years being off meds and living a “normal life”.

My diagnosis was once schizophrenia but it’s been changed to severe depression with psychosis.

I also struggle with sh but my gp hasn’t made me promise not to do it. Rather she and my psych are working with alternative behaviours.

Sorry to talk about me but our stories are similar so I thought it might help.

I’ll have a banana with you for breakfast each morning.

Take care hun, you have a good supportive team at present.

Love

Eve

💖💎💖

Did something trigger your relapse @Eve7?

Many years ago, I was told by a psychiatrist in the psych ward that i was in, that this would be my life, in and out of hospital and at some point I would be successful at ending my life. Those words ring very clearly to this day, I have never forgotten what that man spoke over my life.

My psychologist had me sign a no harm agreement when I started seeing her in December, things got to the point where I just couldn’t sign it anymore cause I was in such an unsafe place- which I appreciated that she heard where I was at and understood I guess. I think I expressed my disappointment in myself in constantly breaking the agreement and then felt her disappointment to.

Appreciate you sharing @Eve7 I appreciate it

My h was told something similar about me @Bow that I’d always be like that, in and out of hospital and probably take my own life.

Well I was like it for 10 years then I realised the pain I was causing my family and just decided to get well. I stopped seeing my pdoc, stopped all medication, we moved away and I never even talked about my mh journey. I did have really good counselling and prayer with our then pastor. I also promised h I would not attempt s again.

I stayed “well” for almost 20 years and even with h dying I coped or, at times, pretended to cope.

Last year S1 came home with 2 toddlers in tow and a broken heart. I was still working full time, coaching elite sport and I just came undone.

I keep telling myself “I’m not like this anymore” but I just keep sinking and I’ve really isolated myself by not telling any of my friends what is really going on.

Sorry if that’s too much