@Captain24 Oh that’s really sad that the church you go to doesn’t allow for fellowship! My church is really big on fellowship, people hang around for ages afterwards, we have coffee/tea/food. The kids run around together. I find it a bit awkward though and often leave quickly, especially in bad days!
i had some good work mates when I was working. We did things outside of work too. But people move on. Don’t think anyone even works there anymore.
the wall. I soooo relate to this. I’m gonna post something I wrote about my wall ages ago. Think you might get it… it’s long, so I apologise!
I noticed my wall today, I am not sure when I started to build this wall, I guess when I realised that I could shut people out. It was just a way to protect me from the outside world, from being hurt. The wall has been built over many years, but I’ve been unaware of the fact that I was not only protecting myself from the world, but I was also abandoning and isolating myself from the world.
I was sick of being hurt, betrayed and defeated in life, so I continued to put up my wall. My wall was only short at first, people kept coming into my 'world', the world that I created to protect me, that’s why I frantically worked at building my wall higher and higher.
Behind it I feel safe, secure and somewhat happy. I admire my wall; I treasure many of the rocks that make up my wall. I polish them and often sit... and reflect on each of them. Anger, shame, guilt, hurt, unlovable, resentment, betrayed, defeat, destroyed, rejection, worthless, pride and self-pity
I sit and peek through the holes of my wall. I watch as people walk by... they talk.... they laugh.... But I am overlooked..... I feel alone.
I sit behind my wall, afraid to come out, afraid you’ll get to know the real me.
Behind this wall…. Beneath this mask hides the real me, lonely, and in fear.
I am frightened by all the possibilities of my flaws and weaknesses, scared that they may creep out between the cracks of my wall, scared that they will be exposed to this world. I think about it all the time, Will I look like a huge fool? Will I be laughed at? Will their laughter hurt? That is why I work so anxiously to build this wall… this mask, that I hide behind. I bring it out when in relationships with people, to hide the real me.
It helps me, protects me, and shields me.
I don’t know what it is though, I don’t know what will liberate me from myself-from my own self-built person, from the barriers, the walls that I have so painstakingly built around me- it’s all to protect me.
Long felt hurts make this wall endure. The longer I sit and nurse these hurts, the higher the wall gets and the harder it becomes to remove.
I am scared that deep down I am nothing, that I am no one, no good and worthless.
So, I continue with my desperation, with the façade of assurance from within and that of the petrified little child from within my soul.. And life becomes a front. I remain behind this wall. Behind this mask.
And yet I can never tell you about the crying inside me, behind this wall. Can never tell of my greatest hurts, my deepest fears, my greatest concerns, my triumphs and joys. I can’t tell you any of this, because I am afraid. So please listen carefully, not to what I am saying, but to what I am not saying.
I dislike this hiding…honestly. I hate this phony, superficial game. I would really like to be genuine and honest all the time, to not fear what you will think of me or what you will do, to allow the real me to show, to be spontaneous, and to be just me.
But you got to help me, you’ve got to hold out your hand. Even hold it out when it is quite clear that it is the last thing that I want. Hold it out when I seem to just push it away, when I reject your kindness and refuse your assistance. But please know I may fight back; I may strike back at you. Even if you reach out to me, to accept me, to help me and give me what I have so been longing to find, I may not know the difference, so please be patient.
