My Mosaic

Thanks @NatureLover im ok. Been a rough day though.

Went to see my gp this morning as planned. She really is a nice lady. So caring. She patched me up from last night and asked me to throw things out. How do others manage this?? I get why people ask me to throw things out, so I don’t hurt myself. But I feel safer with them. I guess kinda like a ‘just in case’ measure. My case manager called me this afternoon and I admitted to what I did last night and what my gp needed to do this morning. She too asked me to throw things out or she needed to talk to my mum. I threw them out while on the phone with her, but….

whys it so hard? Just another layer to what already is a really big mess.

I get tired of having to live a secret life. Going off to appointments that no one knows about. I have to be careful what I say to who.

like yesterday I went to drop papers off at the doctors for my step dad. I’ve been in a bad way with SH, and thought there was no time like the present, let’s be brave and go see my gp about it. I seen her briefly, she called community mh and I was asked to go straight down there and then also come back to see my gp in the morning.
i had my daughter with me, so I quickly dropped her home, I didn’t want to take her to community mh with me. Said I was going to see my case manager, which was the truth, but I said it was just a ‘catch up’.
this morning I went to see my gp. She stitched me up. Wanted to speak with my mum about my SH, but I said no. I’d throw things out instead. Was suppose to do that last night after seeing my CM. I didn’t. I’m to see my gp again on Saturday. What excuse will I have to come up with for that outing??
my CM called me again this afternoon, she made me throw things out or she would speak with my mum. But I didn’t throw everything out. I still managed to SH tonight.
with so many people involved in my support team, and my mum really having no idea the extent of who is involved. It shitty. I wish I had a better relationship with my mum where I could be more open with her. But I feel utterly terrible that she has so much going on with my step dad…. And here I am, doing the stuff that I’m doing to myself. Maybe I need that CTO to make things more transparent. Maybe it will actually be better? I don’t know. Everything just feels like such a bloody mess.
My CM asked me if my SI had increased along with the increase in SH. I said yes. I’m terrified of being shipped off to somewhere. I’m meeting with my CM tomorrow and some other people. More supports. Sigh
it’s all just such a mess. I hate it. I hate me. I hate my life.

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@Bow wrote:

Sigh it’s all just such a mess. I hate it. I hate me. I hate my life.

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So sorry to read, @Bow 😞

Sending hugs...

Morning @Bow

Thank you for sharing your experiences here on the Forums which is a safe place to speak about your challenges.

I think that you have been extremely brave in confronting your SH with your GP and reaching out to your support team. It can be challenging sharing your experiences and your most vulnerable moments with family, and I'm sure you value their care and support. Relationships don't always provide what we need at that moment but are important and provide comfort and stability with our lives and MH experiences. To handle the situation on your own is a great strength and a huge step forward in your own recovery, safety, and wellbeing. When you meet with your CM and the other supports today I'm sure they will have your best interests and safety in mind.

If you feel like sharing your outcome with the Forums today the Forums is a supportive space!

Best wishes

RiverSeal

Thanks @RiverSeal and thank you @NatureLover

I met with my CM this morning and also some folks from a well-being and social connections type organisation. What they offer sounds heaps cool. They have a 7 day a week social calendar, with heaps of amazing activities, walking groups, yoga, arts and craft, cooking, gym memberships, trips to the beach and other bigger outings once a month. I can take my daughter along too if I want. I’m allocated a worker, who calls every day- that feels a bit overwhelming, but we will see how it goes.

I chatted briefly about my possible future passion/ dream to do some peer worker and advocacy around ED recovery. I also chatted with my CM alone at the end of our meeting about this, and she said there is a peer worker course at TAFE. We talked about how it would be really helpful to have a mental health peer worker on at the hospital all the time and how helpful that would be. Being in the emergency department can be really overwhelming at times and it can be hard to talk to clinical folks, but having a peer sit along side you could be so beneficial.

I did admit to SHing last night when my CM asked me about it. I’m rather sore today. I told her I have journaling/ doodling a go and gave to her what I did. I told her this is what is in my head. It’s scary giving that stuff over. I see my gp in the morning.

Anyhow 🎀

Hi @Bow

Thank you for updating the Forums on how you went with your CM today!

It's great to see that you had such an amazing outcome from reaching out for support that you felt uncertain about. It can be really challenging to find the desire to make changes and to reach out when your mental health is overwhelming.

The activities sound really fun and it's good that you can take your daughter too! I have been involved in similar activities in my recovery and they can be a great way to connect with other people.

Peer Workers are born from similar experiences to yours so if you want to follow that path I'm sure your experiences would be highly valued!

Best wishes

RiverSeal

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@Bow wrote:

They have a 7 day a week social calendar, with heaps of amazing activities, walking groups, yoga, arts and craft, cooking, gym memberships, trips to the beach and other bigger outings once a month. I can take my daughter along too if I want. I’m allocated a worker, who calls every day- that feels a bit overwhelming, but we will see how it goes.

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Hi @Bow , this sounds incredible and what a lot of people are wanting and needing but can't find! I'm happy for you!

And the peer worker stuff sounds great too 🙂

How did the appt with your GP go?

I feel really flat today. I’m tired… no exhausted and sluggish. Maybe that is partly why I’m feeling flat.
I went and seen my gp again this morning. She checked my SH. It’s infected 😩 and she seen that I had added to it. Talked to me about the need to stop doing it cause of infection and it getting worse each time. Obviously I need to stop. I know that. But it’s not as simple as that eh? I’m booked in to see her again on Monday. She is kind though. Gentle. I’m lucky to have her.

I want to go sleep. Just make it all disappear today. Just so done.

Hey @Bow,

Those flat days can feel awfully yuck, let alone with an infection. Go gently, we are here with you ❤️

sitting with you @Bow ❤️