My Mosaic

HI @Bow

I pretty new to the forum, but I loved your idea of the mosaic as a form of expression.

I remember reading somewhere if life is a weaving, the part we can see may look messy but the top side is sublime.

To be in the dark pit of despair is challenging to say the least. Getting help makes it harder, and often that help can only make us feel less than. I celebrate my imperfections ( at the moment! I know hard yards are a fact of life, and things can change on a dime). I was a weaver for awhile, and weavers have a joke - only god is perfect so one must always include at least one mistake in every weaving. The joke is it's impossible to do a perfect weaving, even the best weavings have slight blemishes if you look hard enough.

In my little garden there are bug bites in the leaves and rose petals with brown on them etc, but the greater whole is exceptional. Small brightly coloured wrens, finches, honey eaters, moths, butterflies, rain, the sound of the wind in the trees. There have been years when i havent even noticed. Havent opened my front door for days at a time. That's me, moving between feeling the blessings and then so deep into shame.

I can only survive by having faith that what surrounds the outer edges of creation is love. My mind is too fragile to cope with anything else, so I stubbornly hold to that idea. Of course life challenges me. Anxiety and despair have been my constant companions on multiple stages of the path. I thought we only had to endure one dark night of the soul. Cosmic joke.

Getting the right support at the right time, that's what I wish for you, and it's always the right time.

Your idea of a mosaic has put me in mind of a mandala.

Thankyou.

Big love for you today @Bow

💖🦋💖

just need to sit and cry

Here for you hun @Bow

💖🤗💖

the last days have been... i dont even have words

I’m so sorry it’s been hard these past few days.

I’ll just sit with you, no questions asked.

💜🦋🤗🦋💜

Sitting with you too @Bow 😔☕💝 right alongside @Eve7 🌷

i have spent alot of time in bed the last days, i just havent been able to do much more. i sleep alot, maybe from over medicating? maybe the drinks that i have started consuming? i dont normally drink at all. i have been sh alot, it helps but i know its not good. im just really not in a good place, i know that, but i cant make it better.

i thought that if i called this community mental health team early in the morning before they opened and left another message, that surely they would get the message first thing and would call me back? i thought talking to a machine would be slightly easier and then they would maybe know where im at and would return my call. i didnt realise that they diverted their phone line to the local psych ward after hours. that caught me off guard and freaked me out- ive been a patient there a number of times in the past and i immediately hung up. that put me in a really bad place for a while. i havent tried again since.

i connected with the helpdesk a couple of days ago, i do find them far more helpful than others. i struggle to talk on the phone due to privacy at home, so went to my car. i did agree to phone comm hm after speaking with them, but was interupted and then given the tenth degree about the phone call in the car that i couldnt take making another private call. i hate the place that i am in. i hate that i dont have my own space and privacy. my si have been increasing the last days and have found myself in some close situations. im exhausted. im numb.

my eating, or lack of is worsening. most days only eating once and then taking stuff to get rid of it and then i sh.

i did go to the doctor the other day to get my blood results, they were ok thankfully, need to get them done again in a week- i got that pathology referral already so i dont have to go back and explain everything again. i have also made an appointment for wednesday at a different medical centre to hopefully start seeing a different gp. im extremely anxious about it and having to explain things to someone new.

the new covid resrictions in sydney have made my anxiety worse today and the one place that i was perhaps going to drag myself to tomorrow-church, has now been cancelled due to covid. i feel extremely alone and isolated.

the hours go by slowly as i await evening time where i face the eating demon inside me and i enter this horrible space of fighting everything within me to keep going. i dont want to keep doing these horrible depressing updates, so this will be my last.

Hey @Bow

You're dealing with so much. I can understand one might come to feel like a burden consistently posting difficult posts, but we are here to support you as you are and if this is a space where you can come and express what you are dealing with, please continue to do so

Bow, I understand that there are some risky coping strategies in there, but I want to commend you on continuing to reach out for help - even when it doesn't feel helpful. It shows a lot of courage and that there is still that part of you actively trying to help yourself through a tremendously difficult time. We are sitting with you.

Warmest,

Basil.

Dear @Bow 💝 I am so sorry you are in such distress. I have few words which could help you right now I fear.

So I am just letting you know that I have read your post and I am continuing to sit with you. I wish I could make things better for you, help ease your very deep emotional anguish. It sounds like you are in deep at present, and cannot see a way through any of this. I dont think you are in a position right now to hear any of what I might suggest. So once again, I strongly urge you to seek professional help. I am very sorry to hear that your previous after hours attempt ended up having you switched through to the MH ward. That was unfortunate, but for your safety's sake please try again. 💞 Meanwhile I am extending a hand in friendship ... please hold on tight. And please do not stop reaching out here ... you know we all care about you.

Emelia