My Mosaic

I woke this morning feeling horrible again. Dread hanging over my head. I'd like to crawl back into bed and not do anything today. Listen to my body. Rest. But I've got my shoes on and going to get on the treadmill. That and the bike is all that is getting me through the day at the moment. I don't know how to keep doing this.

@Bow i'm sorry to hear you've woken up feeling bad, it is hard to face the day when we wake up feeling like that. It's great you're keeping that space tpo keep going and have things that are giving your day shape.

@Bow 💕💕💕

I'm ok really

i don't matter anyways

i don't need your empty words

im too broken to be fixed now

You matter to us, @Bow . You may feel broken, but you're a human and so you aren't something in need of repair, you're a person who deserves kindness and compassion. Since it's too hard to give yourself those things from within, I'm sending them to you from the outside

@Bow 💝

@Jynx 👍

Hugs @Bow , @Emelia8 ❤❤🥰

Hello @Bow you matter very much 💕

I see you sweetheart, I am sorry you're hurting. Here to listen if it helps?

I don't know how to get through today. It already feels so hard so heavy. Sitting here everyone going about their day and no idea of the turmoil that is inside me.

Cause we are stuck in isolation, we are having to rely on online food deliveries. I put in our weekly food shop last night, it feels like such a huge task, making sure all the foods that I feel safe and ok to eat are there or I risk restricting instead.

I woke this morning to the email that informs me that a number of the items I ordered were not available, so including a lot of my items. I feel so stupid that I have allowed this to affect me so much. it makes everything feel so out of control. It's just food for goodness sake. But it's my safe food. It's the only food that I will allow myself to eat. When everything in my life is out of control.., and it feels even more out of control at the moment while stuck in isolation, having some control over my food and ensuring my normal food is available makes things feel a bit more manageable.

but now it's not. I have to now ask a friend to go to the shops and pick up some extra things. I hate having to ask for help. I feel like I am putting her out. Feel like such an inconvenience. She already has to pick up my meds cause I stupidly can't be trusted with more than a weeks supply at a time.

my dietitian told me yesterday to take notice of how I feel when I am exercising. To take notice of when the exercise actually helps, at what point I feel the release. I was on the treadmill for much longer this morning and it did nothing. I got off when I started to feel lightheaded. I'm now on the bike and have been on here for ages too.

today is just so bl00dy hard. I can't keep doing this.