My Mosaic

I’ve had a mask on where possible and carry the hand sanitizer around and mums given me all sorts of different remedies to try and reduce the length of this cold thing @Wintersweet @Snowie

we got up early and over to my brothers cause we thought he was having chemo and needed bloods before hand, but got there and his oncologist had canceled chemo for today. So has kinda been a long day. Had to take him 45mins away for his MRI but had to go to oncology first and have his port accessed cause his mri was with a contrast. It’s hard cause all of this has to be explained to him multiple times and repeatedly cause he doesn’t hear.

don’t have plans for tomorrow really. But may go to a railway, that’s something my brother wants to do. Church on Sunday. And then after church D and I will head to a market.

I had only booked our flights to tassie, but obviously had to put an end date for our car hire, which I put for next Friday. I called them up today to see if I could extend it by one day, but nope, cause flights are double the price on Friday. Urgh. So expensive flights home. Isn’t even any hotels close to Launceston airport to stay a night. Oh well.

I spend a lot of the day dreading having to go back to my dad’s place. And it’s not that it’s an absolute horrible experience, we can rock up whenever, I usually debrief with them about the day and oh my gosh they can talk! An hour last night. Then we get up and get ready and leave earlyish. I don’t know why it’s such a dread.

oh that’s a tricky place to be in yeah @Wintersweet … knowing your friends have stuff going on and kinda withholding your stuff cause you don’t wanna burden them anymore. Is that how it is?

hope your weekend remains quiet @Snowie 

@Bow

That is a big day. I hope that if you go to the railway tomorrow it’s a bit of fun, or at least that you get to see your brother enjoy it. Hope church and the market after are nice. Is it a church you’re familiar with?

That is frustrating about the car and the expensive flights. Sorry it worked out that way.

Do you think that the dread of going back to your dad’s is a memory of a different time? Like even if things aren’t too awful now, maybe they were in the past? It’s ok it that’s not it but I’m curious alongside you about where the dread is coming from.

I think the things with my friends is partly not wanting to add to their load and also part being scared of being pushed away if they don’t have capacity. I should ask rather than assuming, because although assuming fees safer, it does lead to isolation that isn’t healthy for the friendship.

Hi dear @Bow

Hoping today is going well for you and you made it to the railway. Might be nice just to get out and do something.

Leaving some 💕💕

@Wintersweet @Snowie we got to the railway today but didn’t stay. It was 11am and the next train was at 12:30- too long to stay around and wait. So will go back Thursday morning, they aren’t open every day.

So we went to one of my brothers favourite cafes and had morning tea. Then mum needed to go to a particular chemist, which I found but pulled over into what was a taxi zone. Lady knocked on my window, she was a parking officer! She informed me it was a taxi zone and seen my D folding a disability parking permit and pointed out where there was one. Thankful that she was kind and didn’t give me a fine!

My cousin came by this afternoon. Grew up together pretty close so it was nice to see her again. She also had her D’s puppy, which was very very cute!

my brothers church I haven’t been to before, so there is obviously a bit of anxiety around that visit. But they have been very kind to my brother.

once church has finished we will bring my brother back home and my dad and step mom will come and spend the afternoon with him while us girls go to market and then also go and visit my auntie- my cousins mum. She lost her husband not long ago.

the thing with my dad, I think it probably is a lot of memories. Even this morning I got hit with big memories. I remember coming to visit my dad, that happened every second weekend, and I remember my bed was always gross. Dirty sheets, smelly. But this morning my step mum asked if I wanted some fresh sheets for our bed. That was painful. Hmm yeah. I think that’s where I struggle.

my D was actually sick in the middle of the night. Sat up in bed and was like… mum I feel sick. Thankful we had a towel, but she didn’t make it to the bathroom, got a bit on the carpet but mostly in the towel. She’s fine now though. Brother wanted kfc for dinner. We don’t usually eat it. My dad said the last 3 times they’ve had kfc he has been sick. Anyways she’s fine. The carpet is fine.

does that then make you feel very alone @Wintersweet when you feel you can’t share and risk being pushed away? Ah yep you said that at the end kind of. How’s the rest of your day been?

@Snowie hows your day been?

Hi @Bow Sounds like you've had a big 24 hours.

Hopefully you can make it back to the railway on Thursday.

That was nice of the parking inspector!! They can be very mean at times.

I hope church goes ok tomorrow. Walking into an unfamiliar place can be very anxiety provoking. It's nice that your brother has their support. He's probably looking forward to showing you it and letting you meet some people.

No doubt staying with your dad would bring up lots of memories. I'm sorry so many of them are negative one's.

Glad to hear D is ok now.

My day has been ok. Went and saw mum this morning. All she did was complain about other residents and what they do wrong. I guess at least she wasn't complaining about me!!

Did a chemist and supermarket run too with H. Now home seriously thinking about putting pj's on!!

@Bow

Going to your brother’s favourite cafe sounds nice. Hope you get to go to the railway on Thursday. How good that you didn’t get a parking ticket!

Your cousin sounds nice, and having her come with a puppy sounds extra nice 😊 I hope seeing your auntie tomorrow is good too. It makes sense to feel the uncertainty of going to a a new place, so it’s nice knowing they’ve taken good care of your brother. You’ll have to let us know if you find anything interesting at the market.

I’m hoping that knowing that there are some not good memories can help you be kind to yourself when you feel any dread about going to your dad’s, even while you’re also reassuring yourself that things are different now.

I’m glad D’s ok now. That wouldn’t have been nice for either of you. I’ve definitely heard of other people having similar reactions when they have KFC if they aren’t used to it. Although if your dad has had that reaction 3 times maybes it’s that specific shop!

I hung out with a couple of my closest friends last night but ended up feeling more alone after. I definitely need to work on how to be both mindful of their capacity and honest about where I’m at.

@Snowie

I’m glad your mum wasn’t complaining about you but I imagine it was still draining to listen to all her negativity. Well done with the supermarket and chemist run. I hope you were able to get into your PJs and have a relaxed rest of the day.

💛 for you both!

Weird… stupid just got my congratulations for finishing recovery group when I didn’t even start anything. Guess it’s just another tick the box thing

@Bow

Yes, I expect it’s an automated email. I can see why it would feel impersonal and not good though. How was your day otherwise? I had a migraine but it’s thankfully mostly gone away now.

@Snowie @Wintersweet yesterday was alright. Went to my brothers church which was nice. He is really cared for by many. Then we dropped my brother back at his place and my dad came to sit with him while us girls went to a market and then went to see my aunt. While at my aunts one of my cousins turned up with his kids. Haven’t seen my cousin in maybe 8 years. His kids were a ball of laughs. His eldest born son is wanting to transition and chose a new name… the same as me!

I went down to a huge antique shop this morning…. By myself. Spent nearly 2hrs browsing. I found an Alice in wonderland PC game! So random. I’m on the hunt for an Alice vinyl. I found the story book to one today but the vinyl was missing. Then yo Kmart yo get a couple of things, my friend from back home called which was nice. We don’t actually talk on the phone much, either text or face to face, so I initially panicked thinking something was wrong.

while out my mum got a phone call letting her know that my brother has an appointment with the radiotherapy doctor on Thursday at 9am. That’s up the coast about 1.5hrs drive away so that’s gonna be a super early start! He already had an appointment with his oncologist for Thursday at 1pm but that’s an hr in the opposite direction! Dad’s making some calls to try and change one of them to a different day.

how are you both? Busy weeks?

Hey @Bow

Glad you could get out on your own for a bit. Good job for finding some more Alice inspired items.

Thats nice to hear how much support and care your brother has from his church. Glad they are able to help. At least you know he is valued by them.

My last 48hrs has been terrible but good at the same time! I stuffed up again. Able to pull it together enough for S's birthday yesterday. Had take away for tea (his choice) and a cake. Was nice just to sit and have a talk with the kids. They are so busy with their own lives/work/uni/tafe that I really treasure those moments together.