My Mosaic

Today has been a lot @Wintersweet @Snowie

my dad called tonight. My anxiety always peeks when they call, but my brother was looking brighter tonight. He had eaten 3 meals today which is great. They were allowed to take the dog in, which dad said my brother was excited about. His got his Star Trek quilt that my mum made him and his tech gadgets. His had his pastor go in, and friends and family are planning to visit. I know he will be happy to see mum on Saturday.

my dad said that my D and I can stay with them. Which is nice, but I’d prefer not. Not sure what to do. Things are gonna be tough and I need to be able to come home and feel comfortable to relax and be me.

sorry just ran out of steam…

My dad has posted a few photos over the last couple of days of my brother and I just sit and stare at them, wondering what goes through my brothers mind… knowing he is going to die very soon. I know he has a faith… but still. It is the end. No more living. It’s so final. How much does he comprehend? Understand? What pain and discomfort is he in? The palliative care dr mentioned the meds that they can give him and mentioned medication for anxiety… is he anxious?

just stuff going through my head tonight

@Bow

It’s clear that you have a lot of empathy and ability to think through what others are going through. That would be a lot to hold and process though. I imagine that, even with a strong faith and hope for life after death, people might also feel anxious because our bodies are wired to feel that way when there’s a threat. At the same time, the doctor may have just been mentioning that that’s there in case he needs it to reassure you. I’m glad he has doctors who can give medication to help with any pain or anxiety. Sending you all the 💛

Wanting your own space makes a lot of sense. Especially while processing something so big. Hope you can stay somewhere that lets you have that.

it sounds like your brother is being well cared for and surrounded by comforting things and people. I hope you’re able to get some rest too 💛

@Bow

Thinking of you and sending 💛

Hey @Wintersweet how are you? How was your day?

been tired today. Didn’t sleep well last night. Head was busy and I kept waking up with a headache still. Eventually took some meds. Had to go out and do a few things this morning. Tidied up a bit. Had a nap. And I’ve just plugged in and tested D’s very old karaoke machine that she dug out and it still works 😬 I’m not sure if that’s a good thing. Head is feeling full tonight.

💜

@Bow

I also didn’t sleep well and really feel for you as I’m reminded how much it makes everything harder. It sounds like you’ve had a full-on day on top of that as well.

If it’s helpful to try and get some of the thoughts out there’s space here for that 💛

I’m sorry that you didn’t sleep well last night either @Wintersweet it certainly does make everything else that bit harder. I’m glad I was able to have a bit of a nap though. Did you manage to get through the day ok?

just lots of thinking about all the things I need to do before we leave. Flights are booked- just down, we’ll book return flights later, I’ve just booked a hire car, just did 10 days cause no idea how long we will be there for. I did a click and collect for the local Kmart for an air bed. Need to make sure I have something to wear to a funeral for D and I- I really don’t like that, I’m struggling with that one. Have a stack of photos to scan/ take photos of. Packing in general which is tricky a bit cause it’s tassie and the temps are different which I’m not gonna complain about. Then general thoughts about my brother. He called us today, but doesn’t really say much and we don’t know what to say. He sounds really confused. I anm really anxious about the whole process that is ahead of us. I need to be mindful of my own mh, but also need to protect my D to a certain degree, I know death is part of life but I need to be mindful of age appropriate stuff. I don’t know. And then my other brother. He has decided not to go down until after their wedding. I think there is alot of ruminating about that whole situation, I play conversations over and over again in my head of what I would say to my brothers partner.

@Bow

I’m glad you were able to have a nap. All of that would be a lot. Picking out clothes for the funeral would be very hard. Does it feel important to you to pick something that feels right or do you just want something to serve the purpose of showing respect? I imagine since you’re shopping for D as well that makes it harder.

I think anyone would be feeling a lot of apprehension and anxiety about what’s ahead. I think it’s also very understandable that it’d be hard to balance your own mh and supporting D.

Are there internal objections that come up if you think about deliberately distracting yourself when you find yourself running over and over what you’d want to say to your brother’s partner? It would make sense to me if there were as, often for me, if I keep ruminating on something, it’s because there’s some specific resolution my brain is searching for (to be heard, to push back, to work out how to fix things) and I’m curious if it’s the same for you?

Are things like your spikey mat helpful at the moment to give your brain a little break in the middle of the chaos? Obviously it’s not going to make the situation or the anxiety go away, and if you don’t have the brain space to think about it that’s ok! I just wondered if it might give you a moment to breathe as I’m sure this is all pretty overwhelming. (And if that’s not helpful right now that’s ok! The last thing you need is another to-do item if it’s not going to be helpful!)

💛💛💛

@Bow and @Snowie

Thinking of you both, I know you’re both dealing with a lot right now 💛

Hey @Wintersweet sorry I haven’t got around to replying to your earlier post.

i had a bit of an early start today as I had to take my car to have the Apple play touch screen replaced. It stopped working properly gosh over a year ago, but at the time I was told there was at least a 3 mth wait to just have them look at it and say yes it’s faulty and that put me off! But not having it working on our drive to tassie and back was really inconvenient so I booked it upon our return and there was only a months wait and then about 5 weeks wait for the part. So it’s all replaced now and working properly and done under warranty. Only took about 45mins so I was thankful for that.

Clothes for the funeral, I just really want something comfortable. I really struggle with my body and how it feels, I mostly live in super baggy clothes. So comfort is a must. My brothers favorite colour is green so we are going to ask people to wear green. I’m probably going to lean towards black and I have a green scarf.

With my brothers partner, she has for a long time been playing the victim. She posted stuff on her FB page that is 90% targeted towards us. And while yes I will admit that we are not completely innocent, she has made it difficult for a very long time. We use to have them over weekly for a meal. I can count on one hand the amount of times they have had us around. We always organise Christmas and birthdays and special occasions and then she makes comments about… if you want my kids to know who you are then you need to come and see them…. Im not going to force my kids to have a relationship with you if you don’t try. ….. but hang on a minute relationships are a 2 way thing yeah. Then she cancels our family Christmas ON Christmas Day when she knew exactly what she was planning for nearly a month, then whenever we came around she would just disappear and be on the phone and then she ignores us at her daughters birthday…. And then blames us for not talking to her!…. So yeah…. She is blaming us for not talking to her at the party, but we’ve had tension and issues for months before that. She’s a hard person to be around. Like when we had them over for meals a huge part of the social time was listening to her bitch and whinge about people. If she talks like that to use I can only imagine what she talks to her friends and family about us. We absolutely want to sort things out cause we want a relationship with everyone, but i definitely want her to take some responsibility too. That was long sorry. I practice what I want to say over and over because otherwise I don’t remember what I want to say in the heat of the moment.

I hadn’t really thought of using my spikey mat. I guess I’ve just been going with it all. I’ve had headaches the last few days which I don’t usually get. Thinking maybe stress.

mum and I are both stressed and confused. Drs are apparently now saying that my brother could probably go home if he has someone to care for him… ie my mum. He is also booked in for chemo next week. We were told no more chemo it wouldn’t be worth it and that he won’t be going back home. I don’t think mums sure about the commitment to be his carer. She’s not long cared for her late husband. How well is my brother really? Can he toilet? Shower? How confused is he? I know he wants mum to be there to care for him in his last days, but how long is this process going to be… guess no one really knows. We were then questioning whether me and D go down now? But have decided to go, see how he is, spend time with him and if he is going ok come back home at the 2 weekish point. Mum would stay… but for how long? She said she worries about me. I’ve suggested she go, see how he is, spend a couple of days at least seeing what his like, how he manages in hospital, speak with the doctors, nurses and palliative care etc. then make a decision. There is also the option we think, of being transferred to the palliative care unit, it’s a bit more homely that the hospital and mum thinks she can stay there with him. Again a lot, but that’s what we are dealing with now.

I took photos of all the photos today. Took a while. Then did a bit of painting of my D’s chest of drawers. Was gonna try and get it finished before we leave but don’t think we will.

how was your day?

@Snowie how was ECT today? Hope your snuggles on the couch now

💜💜💜💜