My Mosaic

Thanks @Snowie

my brother called mum a little while ago, he was confused, kept asking mum how she was. I could not even begin to imagine what my brother is going through.

I decided to go down to comm mh. I was ready to vent anyways, it was just going to be to a different person. I was real anxious about who I’d see, I was going to and did ask to speak with my old CM but this guy came out. Thankfully he wasn’t totally a random and I’ve spoken to him a few times. He at least listened, validated and acknowledged that public health is 💩 a lot of the time. He asked if I have SI, I said yes and through the tears told him that if it wasn’t for mum more than likely heading back down to tassie any day, I’d admit myself, that’s where I’m at and how bad things are. I said everything I need to I think and he was going to take it all back to the team.

how are you doing? How’s your day?

His been given 3-10 days

Hey @Bow

I'm glad you got to speak to someone from comm mh that actually listened and validated you. Hopefully it doesn't fall on deaf ears like so many times before.

I'm sorry about your brother hon. We went through palliative care with my dad. It's good knowing that they are being cared for but also heartbreaking that they haven't long to go. I really hope your brother is comfortable and pain free.

When is your mum going back?

I'm ok, gp this morning.

You know all the drama we have had with my other brothers partner???? Well, mum called that brother to let him know how long my brother has… and talking about if and when each of us will go down …. My other brother and his partner are getting married next Thursday!!! What the actual?!?! He said our invitation are sitting around there. If my brother hadn’t become so sick when would we have found out? @Snowie @Wintersweet 

Hey @Bow

Did you really expect anything more from your brothers partner? She seems adamant to stop your brother from having a relationship with you and your family. They will be the ones missing out. In the end it'll catch up with them.

I guess not… it just really hurts. He said it’s just a small wedding, close family and friends. But they would have know at least 4 weeks ago.

so think mum is going down on Friday and D and I will go down on Tuesday.

You're right, they would have known awhile ago @Bow and of course it would hurt hon.

It seems like she controls everything in your brothers life, even who he is and isn't allowed to talk too.

I hope you can see your brother hon, but I know how important it is to be there for D next Monday night.

@Bow

I’m so sorry about your brother. Whether you’re feeling flooded, numb, alternating between the two, or something else loss is hard and it’s clear you really care about him. I remember you saying he had a lot of peace about it because of his faith. I hope knowing that he has that peace is a glimmer of comfort for you even with all the totally natural grief.

Hoping that having information and a decision on when you’ll go down is helpful. I’m sorry this means deferring an admission though.

It sounds like the guy at comm mh genuinely listened (I’m so sorry others haven’t and that your CM wasn’t in when you’d already waited so long to talk to her). I’m glad he asked about SI. I hope his response helped you feel that he was taking it seriously.

That would have been very hurtful with your brother and his partner too. It’s really sad that she seems to be trying to keep you guys away and that he’s not communicating better with you both about it all.

Sending you 💛

Thanks @Snowie @Wintersweet

trying to lock in a lot of details. Mums booked to fly Saturday- it was heaps cheaper. I’ve looked at flights and D and I will go down Tuesday so that D can attend theit extravaganza. D wasn’t too keen about going, I thought she’d be glad to miss school. And we can stay at my brothers unit. He only has a single bed, but mum has a single fold out mattress and I’ll grab an air bed for D. And we’ll hire a car, would of liked to drive down again cause we will also sort through some of my brothers stuff while staying there, but just the time it takes and doing all the driving myself, it’s a lot.

the girl that house sat for us last time is available, so that’s that sorted.

spent a chunk of this arvo going through all our photos. Wish I could share photos cause your like dear friends and I’d share them with dear friends irl.

even though it’s on the Monday I think I’m going to call and postpone my DBT assessment. I think my heads just gonna be elsewhere. And I’ll have D’s extravaganza later in the day. That will be enough.

when I picked up my meds this morning I asked if they could prep a few weeks in advance for me and explained that I may need to come in quick and grab them- she was really good with that.

it kinda feels like a bit of a relief knowing when we are going, but there is also the anxiety of how long he really has left. Dr said 3-10 days, but could be longer. Palliative care dr said he probably has a little longer than that, but you just never know. He was originally give 18mths at first diagnosis and that was a few years ago. But that can quite often be the case, but then the end happens rather quickly.

I’m still cranky with my brother and his partner… like how do you come back from that? Mum said the other day that all this stuff with my brother dying- we need to sort things out with the other 2 and I agreed. But now this?! None of us are going to be able to be at the wedding and I absolutely without a doubt know that she would of told all her family and friends about the rift between us all and even though we will be absent because of my brother passing people will talk. And if they don’t talk, they will at least think. My brother will have no family at his wedding. His already said he won’t cancel :(

and I’ve had a headache all afternoon.

@Bow

You’ve done a lot of logistical organising! I imagine that wasn’t easy, especially with the emotional weight of it all and the headache. I’m glad the same girl can house-sit for you.

I also wish you could share photos with us 💛 Maybe you could share some of the stories that go with your favourite photos even though you can’t share the photos?

Postponing that assessment makes sense. Hope the rescheduled assessment goes well and that the group is helpful.

I really wonder what’s going on for your brother. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be getting married at the same time as losing a sibling. Regardless of what’s driving him to act this way, it would be so hard on you and your mum, especially when you’ve been trying to stay open to repairing things.