My Mosaic

@Bow

Sorry, I once again missed your latest message while I was editing my reply.

If the couch feels like the safest place right now then I think that’s survival not laziness, and I fully support survival 💛

I’m sorry you’ve had yet another disappointment and that it’s not even surprising.

@Bow the fact that you put in that effort is still worthy of note. And I agree with @Wintersweet - it's not laziness, sounds like you're just trying to conserve your energy. One step at a time yeah? Bed time would be right around the corner, I hope you're able to get yourself snuggled up soon <3

It’s ok @Wintersweet it helped to just get that out I think. I was sitting here anticipating calling after hours and trying to rehearse what I would say… cause I really never know what to say other than I’m currently not ok and need a bit of help. But alas I just got it out into forum land. The team I’m under usually finish at 9, but the community team finishes at 10 and I can talk with them too but oh well.

im just waiting for D to finish her hot chocolate and then I’m going to bed. I have a headache on top of everything else.

I put some colour on the furniture I’ve been painting today. D picked a similar colour to what I wanted which made things easier. A dusty pink colour. I glued down all the wood molding I think it will look ok.

I picked up a baby gate with a couple of extender panels from a council pick up earlier in the week. Wanted something to put across the garage so the dog doesn’t escape when we open the garage. She’s a runner and will not come back and usually have to put her in her crate if I want the door open, so was nice to paint with the garage door open today and have the dog wandering around freely. I think she enjoyed sitting and watching the world pass by.

@Bow

Having a headache on top of it all would be extra miserable. I hope you’re able to sleep well and that the headache goes away overnight.

Trying to work out what to say can be tricky. I’m glad it helped to share here. 💛

That was a really good idea with the baby gate! Having the dog relaxed and keeping you company while you paint with the garage door open sounds nice 😊

Will you post a photo once you’ve finished painting this piece? Dusty pink is a lovely colour.

@Bow and @Snowie

💛 for you both

@Snowie @Wintersweet 💜💜💜💜

my head has been in a really bad place today. Quite scary to be honest. Mums home tomorrow. Relief. I can stop caring. D upset me again today, didn’t wanna be around me. I painted and then sat on the couch for hours. It’s sad how lonely I am and how people wouldn’t notice if I was gone. Thought comm mh might of called today since I tried calling them and left a msg. But no.

anyways, sorry that was a lot and not much. Hope you are both ok. Snowie my dear haven’t seen you about the last few days, I’m sorry I’m caught up in my head but I most definitely think about you often.

@Bow

I’ve been thinking about how it will be for you to have your mum back home as it’s gotten closer. I’m really worried for you, especially as your brain is trying to tell you people wouldn’t miss you when we definitely would. D might not want to spend time around you today but I’m confident losing you would be a grief she’d carry for the rest of her life. Which isn’t to make you feel guilty, you’re in a lot of pain and it’s natural to want that to stop, I just don’t want you believing something untrue. I’m sure your mum would be devastated too. And I know me and Snowie would be heartbroken/miss you heaps. I do also hear you that you’re lonely though. We can have people who would miss us and still feel painfully alone.

Would you consider a step up step down or hospital admission once your mum is back? I’m hoping that would provide some support to keep you safe/support to help you get new long term supports worked out/people around you to support you at the moment. I really care about you 💛

Bit teary reading your reply tonight @Wintersweet it is hard when we know truths inside but there are other things screaming louder and bigger and stronger.

I drew this picture a long time ago. It’s a bit graphic so I apologize for that but it’s a clear picture of the battle I deal with. There is the healthy adult self on the right, very quiet trying to be heard. Inner child inside scared needing protection. The big noise on the left, my ED voice mostly, but other bad voices too, very loud, screaming. And then just to the side who I call the destroyer. All these different parts wanting to be heard.

maybe a short circuit breaker admission would be helper, I don’t know. It’s never a convenient time for an admission though. D has her big school production on the 19th, I absolutely can’t miss that. It would be nice to have the support of my cm, but I’m afraid that she just won’t care. I have an appointment booked to see her Tuesday and I’m not sure what approach to take when I go in. Do I let her know how disappointed I am, or just brush the whole previous 3 weeks under the carpet? I feel like unless I say something… there will be zero trust, like my walls are up and they ain’t coming down. Something needs to be said to restore any form of trust and rapport. I just don’t want to go in upset and aggressive and end up walking out.

I’ve kept the saga that has been going on here with comm mh and my sw from mum. I didn’t want her to worry. She already knows that I struggle when she goes, but I always tell her that I have my sw and yes I struggle but I survive. But I’m probably going to have to tell her once she is home. She will know anyways when sw doesn’t come by.

I honestly feel like I’m just going to collapse into bed once she is home. That actually feels a bit scary.

anyways that’s enough. Thank you for your kindness 💜

how was your day? Do you have plans for your weekend?

@Bow

I’m writing a reply but it’s going to take me a while because I want to think through what I’m writing. I wanted to make sure you knew that the delay in replying was because it’s important to me.

Sorry @Bow  My phone ran out of battery and I didn’t have my charger. Then the Forums were glitching and the reply wouldn’t post until I cleared my cache!

Having those voices scream so loudly is really hard and can be very scary. Is there anything that helps you connect with that healthy adult? (I know it can be tricky and it’s something I’m currently trying to get better at because I also find it really hard.)

Have you ever looked into IFS? I really like the approach it takes of viewing even our most extreme parts as having roles that they’ve taken on in response to things that have happened to us. For example, an inner critic who’s scared that if they stop criticising us we’ll do things that will be criticised by other people. It makes sense that these parts would want to be heard. I’ve been trying to notice that in myself and at least acknowledge the part and what it’s feeling. I’m curious to see your drawing, it sounds really powerful 💛

If you were admitted, could you negotiate leave for the 19th? Would your mum be going to the school production too? I imagine it would be much easier for the hospital to give you leave if there’s someone who’ll stay with you while you’re away from the hospital. Or would you rather plan to do the short circuit breaker admission after the 19th?

It would be really hard not having your CM’s support for planning a potential admission. Do you know what the healthy adult voice would say to her? I’m actually wondering if what you said in your post might be the healthy adult talking? “I don’t want to get so upset that I have to walk out, and part of me is scared you won’t care, but I also need you to hear that I was really hurt that you didn’t check in more when I was really struggling to keep myself safe and didn’t have SW support. Can you please help me get in touch with a different provider? I don’t want to work with the girl they’ve offered as it does more harm than good to be asked how I am, answer honestly that I’m at risk of hurting myself, and then not hear back. I’ve also recognised that I’m often struggling to keep myself safe so I’m thinking about another hospital admission.” sounds pretty healthy to me. Obviously you might have things you want to add or to say differently though.

Also, I know she doesn’t like you writing things down but would it help to have what you want to say written down for you to read out? I feel like I remember you saying you’d done that before?

How do you think your mum will react to hearing about the comm mh saga? I hope she’s able to validate how hard it’s been for you 💛

Is it helpful to share what feels scary about collapsing into bed when she’s back? I can guess but I want to make sure I’m not assuming.

My day was ok, less stuck/distracted at work which was a relief. I don’t have a super busy weekend but I have some stuff planned which is helpful.