My Mosaic

Hello @Wintersweet

i think I’m sitting with a lot of disappointment when thinking about having to change providers. It’s just been a big mess on their part, I could have shouted their praises last year, but certainly not anymore. I just really hope my cm will do a new referral and it can be sorted out quickly.

I went to my psych appointment. There was a lady talking to the receptionist, dressed in black, I was 90% sure it was that manager woman, I seen the other receptionist and then sat down, and then seen more of the front and seen that it was in fact her. It was busy, not many seats empty, thankfully she decided to just stand up. But I was not expecting to see her so that threw me. He could tell I wasn’t in the mood and he asked about how I was feeling/where I was at… I told him I really didn’t want to be here. He said he knew from conversations with my cm that things had been rough and perhaps that’s why I didn’t show up last week, I just told him I’ve been so angry with everyone. I sat there for a bit and started to get emotional and ugly cry and he assumed that I was feeling emotional about him leaving. Mate that’s far from where I am at. Anyways we didn’t do the full 50mgs thank goodness. We talked about a couple of things and then wrapped it up.

I just couldn’t be bothered with trying to talk to someone else today. I don’t think I could cope with being dismissed again.

im just on the couch. I may have a nap. I was heaps thirsty overnight so was up to the toilet a couple of times. And then had to be up this morning to drive the kittens back out to the clinic, so I’m tired.

how are you doing? What are you up to today?

@Snowie my dear how are you doing?

@Bow

That's a huge amount of disappointment to be sitting with and even more so when they were previously helpful. I'll join you in hoping your CM can put in a new referral and that a different provider can be sorted out soon.

I know I wouldn't have coped at all with seeing that manager when I wasn't expecting her if I was in your position.That would have been hugely unsettling.

It sucks that the psych assumed it was about him. What were you actually feeling emotional about? (I ask because there's lots of very valid things it could have been and I want to understand what it was for you in that moment 💛)

It makes sense that you didn’t have it in you to cope with being dismissed again today. It’s really good that you were able to recognise that and take care of yourself by not putting yourself in that position

I hope you are able to have a nap. All of this is really draining stuff to be dealing with. 💛

I’m dragging myself into work. Still trying to work out how to take time off in a way that will actually help and not make things worse. 😅

@Wintersweet Think I got emotional cause of a number of feelings, deep disappointment in so many people- being let down so many times. And I think a deep sense of hopelessness. I think I had hoped that maybe he would have made space for me to talk a bit about what’s been going on, but he didn’t. That’s probably when I decided that I didn’t have it in me to ask to speak to someone else after my appointment. Ya know when ya keep getting knocked again and again…. While you’re already down. You lose faith in everyone.

I didn’t end up napping, been building Lego and painting.

That sounds like a huge effort dragging yourself into work. Has there been things in the past that helps with taking time off work? Is it the lack of structure and added free time that makes you spiral?

@Bow

Intense disappointment feels very appropriate given all the changes in your supports, and I think it’s very natural for repeated disappointment when we’re already struggling to leave us feeling hopeless. Sitting with you 💛

Lego and painting sounds like a really good choice. Did D do any with you or was she doing her own stuff? Hope you’re able to get some better sleep tonight.

It has been pretty draining with work. In the past taking time off without external structure has only been helpful when I’ve crashed so hard that I’ve been able to sleep 80-90% of the time. I think if I tried at the moment I’d just spiral because my brain hasn’t even been letting me sleep until my alarm goes off. I think work would be less draining if I wasn’t procrastinating so I’m going to try and focus on looking for strategies to manage the overwhelm that leads to the procrastination.

@Bow and @Snowie

I know things are really rough for you both. Sending you 💛

Hey @Wintersweet taking time off work and having that happen would be pretty intense. I’m really sorry I don’t have any suggestions, but I think I can relate that when significant things around you change or get removed, it can very easily impact us greatly and make us spiral.

I’ve painted furniture and canvases today and finished off my Lego.

leaving some 💜💜💜💜💜 @Wintersweet @Snowie 

There is only so much a person can take when the people and organizations that are supposed to care repeatedly dismiss you and turn their back and your daughter couldn’t give a rats ass about spending time with you. Close to the edge

Hi @Bow

Sorry to hear you're feeling so overwhelmed at the moment. Just wondering if you are engaging in some self-care this evening? Being 'close to the edge' is worrying and I just want to make sure you've got enough support if you need it :)

No @Jynx just sitting on the couch being lazy. I called after hours but of course no one answered. Left a msg, no call back and pretty sure they finish at 9. So no surprise there.

@Bow

It would really hurt that D didn’t want to spend time with you this evening, and I get why that would feel especially hurtful when you’re already carrying the weight of the disappointment and hurt from the people who are meant to be supporting you.

Would it help to plan to call into Safe Haven tomorrow so that you’ve got some in-person support to look forward to? (If you have other ideas about what might be more helpful or additionally helpful that’s ok, I just didn’t want to put it all on you to come up with an idea of something that might help.) Would talking more about the Lego and painting you did today be a helpful distraction or would it be more helpful to share more about how you’re feeling? Whatever you think will help most 💛

Also, please don’t worry about not having suggestions for me. It is scary but I’m trying to coax myself into persisting with things at work (even though I’m finding them harder than usual and getting stuck a lot) because I know that if I can do them (even badly or slowly) that will reduce the fear a little and that might give me back a little bit of capacity.