My Mosaic

@Bow and @Snowie

Have been thinking of you both today. Will try and check in again before bed if there’s anything you want to share 💛

Hi @Wintersweet @Snowie sorry not been around, haven’t felt the best and not in a good place. Have spent a fair bit of time sleeping on the couch. Have an assessment at health tomorrow that I’m dreading so will have to get up and dressed for that.

sorry you’ve been fighting a headache @Wintersweet i use to get a lot of headaches and migraines and it’s horrible. Hope you’re feeling better now?

@Snowie how you doing?

@Bow

Have you had one of these assessments before? I’m hoping for you that the person you talk to is respectful, understands what you tell them, and acts appropriately on that as much as they can, but at the same time I know it’s probably protective for you to be dreading it and not hoping for anything from it. How you’re feeling makes sense to me. 💛

And yes, the headache is gone! (Though I can feel a lot of tension still so I’m trying to be careful about how I sit/move.)

I think maybe I’ve had an assessment like this before @Wintersweet it’s like an intake thingy for a group that they thought would be suitable. Hopefully it’s not gonna be too much.

I will also probably ask if my cm is around. She did say she was only in 2 days this week so maybe they’ll have me speak with someone else and I can vent a bit. But who knows. Still being in that building isn’t feel ok for me at the moment though.

im glad your headache has lifted, but I get that tension hanging around. When I had migraines I would always get what I called a migraine hangover for nearly a week (the migraine actually only ever lasted a day.) and this was happening fortnightly on the dot, so I only ever felt myself a few days a fortnight. Got my daith pierced and haven’t really had a migraine since.

i have always found my spikey mat really helpful for headaches too, especially that tension.

hope that tension clears up for you real soon.

@Bow

Ah, is this the values group? I feel like when values stuff is done in a way where people feel safe enough to be genuine it can be really meaningful, but I also get that when it’s not done well it can feel superficial.

It would be hard having both a part of you who wants to talk/vent to someone and also a part of you who doesn’t feel ok being in the building. 💛

Maybe I should look into a spikey mat! I have a spikey ball that sometimes helps. I also find that sometimes I can use temperature. I’m so glad your migraines stopped after your piercing though! Having them so regularly with such a long hangover would have been miserable. I find sometimes I have a hangover and sometimes I feel super clear-headed after. Today was probably closer to the hangover but with how my brain’s been the past few weeks it’s hard to tell!

So tired today. Dog gave me grief in the early hours of this morning. First she wanted outside. Then she was scratching at my door. I hushed her but she kept scratching. Then she started at my D’s door. Then an hour later she’s scratching cause there is a storm. I have very little sympathy for her fear of thunder and rain! She’d disturb my sleep enough. I got up again to try and settle her under a blanket, nope. Back scratching at my door and D’s door. I’d had enough, my blood pressure was low and I just needed to be horizontal so I put her in her crate and shut the door. Sorry dog.

I got a 10am call from that manager woman. Asked me if I’d had a chance to think about what I wanted to do. Said nope. Yeah I’d thought about alot of stuff, but not that. Still assumed that the plan was to exit me. Well she said I had 2 options, I receive support from that young girl or they exit me. I told her I didn’t know. She said she’d call again on Thursday and see what I decide. I want to swear a lot right now.

Then went to my 2pm assessment thingy for the values group. When she called me last week she mentioned that they were hoping to maybe start on Monday the 12th. That’s my D’s birthday and I have plans already booked etc. So as soon as they got me in the room they did an introduction and then asked if I had any questions, so I said that if they were planning to still start on the 12th I wouldn’t be available. They said yeah and you can’t really miss any. So up I got and said goodbye.

Went out and asked if my CM was around, turns out she is but she’s out on a home visit, interesting- never offers me a hv. Anyways, asked if there was anyone else I could see. I actually really wanted to talk to someone about everything. I waited 5mins and this guy comes out, tells me my cm isn’t available and whether he could help. I said yeah, to start with I need these scripts and handed him the pharmacy print out. He looked at it a bit puzzled and then said could I give him 5 mins, I said I don’t need them like today, I’m coming back tomorrow. I wasn’t going to vent in the waiting area and he gave no indication of offering any further support. So told him to let my cm know I want a conversation with her tomorrow cause I ain’t happy with what’s going on. He nodded and left. For friggs sake.

walked to the car in tears again.

hope your days have been ok @Wintersweet @Snowie 

@Bow

Having your dog wake you up so much through the night would have been miserable. Definitely not what you needed.

If they exit you, are you able to switch providers? Would it be helpful to write on here how you feel about the two options? I’d be keen to hear what you’re thinking but don’t want to pressure you if that’s not helpful. I imagine there’s some complexity to it.

I get why they’d want people to attend as many sessions as possible but it does seem really unfair to say that you can’t be part of it if you’ve got a pre-existing things that clashes with the first session. I can hear how important it is for you to follow through on your plans for D’s birthday. It’s ironic (in a sad way) that a group discussing values would be so unaccommodating of someone acting on their values.

It must have been super hurtful to hear that your CM was doing a home visit for someone when she’s not done that for you. The conversation with the guy you spoke to would also have been super disappointing. Maybe he was confused by the scripts as he expected you wanted to talk about something and didn’t realise you wouldn’t in the waiting area (which is a odd thing not to realise but people can be really odd sometimes). Do you have a plan for what you want to say to your CM tomorrow if you can see her? If you can’t see her, would you ask if you could talk to someone else in a non-public area? (Both genuine questions with the goal of understanding not telling you what to do!)

Being fed up with this all makes sense. Being hurt and angry makes sense. Tears make sense. It would all be super stressful. If it helps to vent on here, please do!

What are the things you most want out of your next conversation with your CM? For her to hear how bad things are? For her to help you work out a plan to get support? For her to take checking with you about safety more seriously? Something else?

Urgh had written out a long reply @Wintersweet and it disappeared 😩😩 don’t have it in me to try again.

so quickly

yes can be referred to another service. And that’s probably what will occur cause that young girl is not suitable.

received a message from my cm at 4:50pm she was not working tomorrow and couldn’t offer me a 5 minute phone call this afternoon. I was fuming. I’m angry still

last psychologist appointment tomorrow don’t want to go. I will tell him that. And that I’m here so he can wrap things up and I’m nly staying briefly. I get nothing out of it.

may ask to speak with someone else, but same risk of it being a random who doesn’t give a 💩

sorry I don’t have any hope at the moment. Very much on the edge of giving up.

@Bow

I’m so sorry your reply disappeared!

I think the idea of trying another service sounds wise given how much extra distress it was causing you to have that girl ask how you were and then not take your safety seriously. How do you feel about the idea of switching?

That’s really hard with your CM. It would be hard not knowing if you try and talk to someone else whether they will care. I get why it would feel like you’re going to the psych appointment for his sake not yours. I also get why you’d feel drained, hopeless, and like you don’t have anything left to give at the moment.

Not today, but over the next couple of days could you look into a step-up step-down service or hospital admission for when your mum gets back (or the day after D’s birthday) so that you have daily in-person support? I know hospital is hard with your ED. Would the Butterfly Foundation possibly be able to support you in finding a way to manage an admission? I wish I could be there in person to listen to you and support you better. I’ll continue to be on the Forums though if there’s anything that’s helpful to share/discuss 💛

(Also, as always, feel free to let me know what’s helpful and unhelpful so I can do my best to meet you where you’re at.)

@Bow and @Snowie

Thinking of you both 💛