My Mosaic

@Bow

I’m so glad you were able to fall asleep quickly. Sending you 💛 and will check back later.

Hey dear @Bow

I know things are very hard for you at the moment.

Sitting with you hon 💗💗

It’s really hard to not internalize all that constant rejection and abandonment yeah @Wintersweet

reaching out for help with my ED was the first time, the gp really didn’t care. Went to another gp, same thing. Then my psychologist at the time basically dumped me via email an hour before an appointment saying I was high needs for her. It hasn’t stopped since.

i understand the system is so very broken, too many people needing care, not enough supports and a lot of supports and organisations that are so ridged with their rules and policies and a lot of people that just don’t have sufficient training and experience around trauma and especially for me, eating disorders.

I appreciate your kindness and yes, sometimes we do just need to sit in it for a bit. I do struggle with people try to jump straight in to problem solving before I guess processing it all.

I think just making myself safe and secure is what’s important at the moment. That has meant spending a lot of time in bed or on the couch hiding, which has been challenging with my D around. It has helped though that she knows I am tired a lot of the time. She is a pretty chilled kid though, so is good at amusing herself.

I have thought of calling someone. There have been a few moments that have been extremely intense, overwhelming and nearing a panic, but I don’t know who I would even call. I’m not overly keen for a random. I’ve basically been left with nothing. My CM hasn’t even bothered to call and check in. Wonder how long it will be?

how are you doing? How’s your week been? Thank you again.

@Snowie thank you my friend. How’s your week going?

Hey @Bow

I'm glad you can express some of what you are feeling on here hon. I hope it helps even a little. I do agree that sometimes we just need someone to listen instead of jumping straight into 'problem solving' mode. It can be really hard talking to a random especially when you ring and not sure what type of person you will get at the other end of the line.

It's good to hear that D can amuse herself. I hope you are able to get some rest.

My week has been ok. Had psych yesterday and went and saw mum this morning.

@Bow

Having experience after experience of being dismissed or rejected is soul crushing. You’re doing really well to still be here and looking for how to make yourself safe. If that means time in bed or on the couch then I fully support that. 💛

Also, just to be clear, the system being broken is an explanation for why you’re not receiving the help you need but it really doesn’t make it ok and I’m really upset with you that they’ve let you down so badly!

Does writing help you process? I know it used to be my main go-to. What I think I could have used though was some additional tools for managing the distress that came up!

Not wanting the uncertainty of talking to a random when you’re really struggling makes sense and I’m so sorry your CM hasn’t checked in.

Please keep sharing as much as is helpful for you 💛

I’ve been having a rough time with work. I think it’s some kind of neurodivergent burnout but I just get these periods where I can’t seem to do the things I normally can (plus other things like increased sensory sensitivity). I’m seeing my psych today so hopefully she can help.

💛💛💛 for you and @Snowie 

I’ve had a missed call from the manager lady and a text saying she wants to follow up from the meeting and to discuss my ongoing supports with the program.

I have no idea what to do. I don’t know if I really want to speak with her.

@Wintersweet @Snowie 

I was going to say earlier that I was dreading Saturdays market and was hoping that the pending rain would be sufficient enough to make the call not to go ourselves. They have only ever cancelled the markets a handful of times over the 40yrs it’s been running. But just got a message from my mum saying they have cancelled this weekend.

It's a hard decision @Bow I guess it could go either way.

Reaching out to you might be a good thing.

Whatever you decide, you need to feel comfortable with it.

@Bow

Sounds like the market being cancelled is a bit of a relief.

Not wanting to talk to the manager makes sense. What options are you considering? I’m confused about what there would be to discuss given she seemed very fixed in your meeting on how she was going to do things.

Yes market being cancelled is very much a relief

yeah I didn’t think there was anything else to discuss. She wasn’t able to provide me with any suitable support. I assumed she would just exit me. I could maybe reply to her text, say exactly what I’ve just said here.

@Wintersweet @Snowie