My Mosaic

Thank you @Wintersweet and @Snowie

I’ve literally spent the whole day on the couch. Told D I’m just tired. I had a psych appointment but just couldn’t.

sorry I’ve just got nothing to give

@Bow

I think I’d be doing the same thing in your position. Being so depleted that you have nothing to give is an awful feeling. I also fully understand not making it to the psych appointment today after yesterday.

Feeling really broken @Wintersweet and I’m frustrated cause I don’t want to be awake but have to

@Bow

What type(s) of broken are you feeling? I know from experience that can show up in different ways and I want to make sure I understand rather than making a wrong assumption.

The frustration of having to be awake can be really intense. Which makes sense as a stress response when being awake feels overwhelming or threatening.

I don’t really know what types @Wintersweet I just feel really broken, like a really intense deep pain that obviously no one wants to or can help me to fix. So many people just turn their backs on me, it tends to be a theme. Constant rejection. People leaving. A deep sense of emptiness. I try really hard. They can’t say I don’t but it all just lands on deafs door. I’m exhausted.

@Bow

I think rejection is one of the most painful feelings, and even more overwhelming when the people were being rejected by are the ones who are meant to be supporting us. Anything that’s become a pattern also tends to hit deeper as we get hit by not only the current experience but all the past experiences too.

I see how hard you’re trying. I know you need your in-person support to see it too, but it’s clear to me that you’re putting in a lot of effort. Putting in effort and having it dismissed is a unique kind of exhausting. I imagine those who benefit most from the effort you put in (D and your mum in particular) don’t know how much it takes from you, but that doesn’t make it any less valuable.

I think @Wintersweet when something this significant… that’s what it is for me… when so many people aren’t willing to help me, like a manager of an organization, when time and time again I try and try but the world is just so against me, when this just feels like it seals the deal that you are beyond help. That no one can help you, your too much, I am too much, I’m too broken to be fixed, when I lay here tonight and come to the realization that I am on my own and there is something so very wrong with me that no one can help me. It’s a deep hurt.

sorry I don’t think I worded that properly

@Bow

I think you worded what you’re feeling well. I’ve had psychiatrists and psychologists tell me they can’t help me, and experiences like that really do trigger intense hopelessness.

I genuinely don’t think the issue is that you’re beyond help. I think it’s a complex set of issues with the systems that should be supporting you. At the same time, what you’re feeling is understandable, when people treat us like we don’t deserve help it’s easy to internalise that.

Being alone with a problem you don’t know how to solve yet is so scary. I’m here with you and have ideas about possible ways to get different support (because I care about you and want you to get the support you need). I don’t want to overwhelm you with suggestions though. I also know that when we’re really struggling we often need someone to sit with us through the emotion before suggestions are helpful.

I can hear how loud things are in your head right now. What do you normally find helpful when you’re really struggling? The spikey mat? I know I sometimes use the technique of just describing what I can see out loud to myself. Is there something in the room around you that you could describe to me? This isn’t to make your thoughts or feelings go away, I just sometimes find it helps bring down the intensity.

I’m also so sorry that me typing replies is so slow. I imagine that could be really unhelpful. I wish I could be there with you in person to respond in real time. I know you don’t like calling people but given how much distress you’re feeling I’m wondering if it’s worth a try? Either way, I’m still here, I’m still listening, and you matter to me.

@Bow

I’m really sorry if it was unhelpful for me to ask more about how things were feeling for you when I couldn’t be there with you in person or reply in real time. 💛

No no @Wintersweet i went to bed and thankfully fell asleep quickly. I was so tired.

I need to go feed the kittens and I will come back and reply properly soon