My Mosaic

When I spoke to my CM yesterday she said she was going to chase up with the manager to see what was going on. Said that she was working afternoons today so would call me then. She hadn’t, so I worked up the courage to call the after hours number. No one answered so I left a message. Had no idea what time the afternoon shift finished. But she just called. She told me she had called and left a message but no call back. I told her that I heard nothing today. So 2 days. She said wow. And I was like yep. That NEVER happens. Even if my sw is away, someone else will call, even the team leader. She will try again tomorrow.

she didn’t even ask how I was though 😩 even after my call with her yesterday and how I am not coping and what I am and am not doing. She couldn’t simply check in.

do I even bother to keep fighting? I’m so done tonight. I don’t feel well tonight. I usually try really hard to keep myself well while mum is away, it’s easy to give into my ED behaviours but I need to be well for my D, but this time, it’s not good. It’s scary.

im sorry

@Bow

I’m so proud of you for calling your CM. I imagine it’s confusing that she’s making calls and trying to work out what’s going on with the SWs for you but then at the same time didn’t ask how you were.

I can hear how important it is to you to try and keep yourself well for your daughter and also how hard things are right now. I hear how tired you are and at the same time I do believe that it’s worth continuing to fight (where fighting might look like going to bed). If you don’t think you can keep yourself safe, I really hope that you choose to go to the emergency department or call someone who can help you make a plan to keep yourself safe.

Would calling the Butterfly Foundation help? I think you said you feel you have to be careful with them because they take safety concerns really seriously. Maybe if they bring that up you could explain about D and ask for help making a plan to keep you safe that accounts for the fact you have her to look after. That would be a tricky thing to think through alone any time, let alone when you’re not feeling well.

@Bow It does sound like your CM really is trying to look out for you. I know it sucks when we don't get the opportunity to feel heard, so I hope that you do get the opportunity to do so soon.

Maybe today/tonight is just a write off, and it's about trying to settle yourself for bed, and you can try again tomorrow. If things get too scary, please don't hesitate to reach out to a crisis service hun, you don't deserve to be alone in this.

Good morning @Bow

Hoping you were able to settle last night and get some sleep hon.

Leaving some 💕🫂💕 for you

Hi @AuntGlow

Hard times

Hope you are going ok

Didn’t sleep well last night @Snowie but no real surprise there.

I decided to go to my psych appointment this morning. I journaled last night, wrote a list of the things that I have or haven’t been doing, and the main thoughts that are on repeat. Gave it to him… he read it and was like ah I see…. And then immediately went into problem solving mode. He did say the word … validate. But just cause ya say it doesn’t mean you’re doing it. He talked about woe is me mentality, he really didn’t understand. Although I wrote stuff down I think what would have been more helpful would be to talk about some of those things. It was just point form. I think I looked at him once, the rest was looking at the floor or my worry stone in my hands. He talked about a boat and a storm. With what I shared could have really used a safety check in but nope. anyways I didn’t find the session helpful and probably could of just stay home in bed.

how’s your day?

Me neither @Bow Sleep continues to evade us both.

I will say well done for going to the psych appt. this morning. I know that took a lot of courage from you. You should be proud of at least that.

I'm sorry that the appt. didn't go so well and that you didn't find it helpful. It's hard when appts. are like that. Very much a 'why did I bother going' thought. I would have thought that checking in with you and making sure you were safe would be right up on the list of things to do.

How has the rest of your day gone?

My day urgh. Went and saw mum this morning.

Been home on couch since then. Ruminating a lot.

I can very much relate to that ruminating @Snowie I’ve been very teary all afternoon too.

was your mum at least in a good mood?

how long do you give people to reply to a text??? I sent my sw a text before lunch. Nothing. I sent the team leader a text. Nothing. My cm hasn’t called to say if she’s been able to contact anyone. Like what the hell? I just wanna know what’s going on. If they are tossing me out just say it.

I've no clue how long you give people to reply to a text @Bow I'm guessing after a couple of hours I'd text again or call. I can imagine it's hard not knowing what is going on, especially when you are the one being affected by this, not them. They can go home not having to worry, where you are living with this at every moment.

Yeah, mum was in a good mood. More because she wanted something from me.

I got brave and tried calling my sw. Went to voice mail. Tried calling another old sw- went to voice mail. Tried calling the team leader, she rejected my call.

called my cm- she wasn’t around.

im done. Theit unprofessionalism and stupid shit is destroying me. I can’t