My Mosaic

big breath in big breath out. This afternoon has been rough. Really rough.

My old SW said she’d check in with me again this arvo. She didn’t. That makes me sad. But I’m really not her responsibility. She has her own team and clients. And maybe the manager, who she was going to talk to told her to stop with me. It wouldn’t surprise me. While my SW was here…. With the young one I don’t like (she had to pick her up cause of the lack of cars) I was annoyed that she was there. But my SW offered to pass on my response to the news of another change, I said don’t bother she doesn’t care. And to my surprise my SW agreed. Said that she doesn’t have any empathy. Said even as an employee she just feels like a number let alone how the clients feel. That’s terrible. There really is no hope. My SW did pass on who I want as my SW but I doubt she will even consider it.

My SW texted a couple of hours later, not sure if it’s cause I reached out to my old SW cause my SW said she’d check in tomorrow. She said she just wanted to check in, asked if I’d SH. I blurted a heap of stuff out and received a rather patronizing response- use your strategies. 😩

unhealthy coping strategies, well I made a mess. Stupid me but I needed to. I am seeing my gp in the morning.

I can’t go to safe haven today. I can’t take my daughter there, I’ll leave her alone for an hour during the day but not at night. I guess I can try calling comm mh tomorrow, see if my CM is in. Actually surprised that someone didn’t call me cause when I called to speak with my CM and was told that she wasn’t in and if I wanted to speak to someone else I may of said some stuff that could of caused concern, but no. Oh well.

I might bring the kittens up here later and lay on the floor here.

thank goodness I have my daughter who knows what would happen otherwise.

thanks @Wintersweet 

@Bow

You’re not stupid for using unhealthy coping strategies. (I know at least part of you will probably argue with that but I genuinely don’t think you are and while that part might worry that you’re going to be judged for it, from me there’s no judgement, only care.) I’m grateful you’re seeing your GP tomorrow. Well done for organising that.

I’m glad you have your daughter too. 💛

I’m sorry the old SW didn’t get in touch, sorry that the manager has so little empathy, sorry for how that impacts you and the SWs, sorry for the patronising response you got, sorry that no-one from comm MH checked in, sorry that Safe Haven isn’t an option because of D. That is so much to have had to deal with in one day. Let alone given the context. 💛

Thank you @Wintersweet I appreciate every words you said.

I already had my gp appointment booked, need to get a new eating disorder care plan for my dietitian. I see her Friday. Oh gosh. So probably just good timing yeah for my gp.

wish I could share videos. All 3 asleep on my chest purring really loud. @Snowie you’ll see the dogs nose just sneaking there. Very happy to report she is mostly cured of her floorboard fear… thank goodness- she was really annoying me.

hoping D will be in bed very soon. I desperately want to go to bed and sleep. Don’t want to be awake.

@Bow

I’m so glad you get to see the GP and the dietician this week. Hoping that the connection with them both is helpful 💛

The kittens are adorable! I can almost feel the purring from your description. (And I’m so glad the dog is getting over her fear and not causing you as much frustration.)

Hope you were able to get to bed, that you’re soundly asleep now, and that the GP goes well tomorrow.

Hi dear @Bow

I hope your gp appt. went well or goes well.

Those kittens are very cute. The dog seems to be more accepting of them too.

I hope today goes better for you hon

Leaving some 💗💗

Hi @Snowie @Wintersweet

I didn’t sleep much last night, couldn’t shut my brain off. Got up to get a drink at one point and nearly passed out. Tired today.

went and seen my gp. Got all my blood and ecg results, all fine except for a couple of liver tests but that’s been an issue for a while. Told her how bad things have been, she asked all the check in questions, I tried to be honest but I did not want to cause her too much concerns especially while mum is away. Showed her what I did and she patched me up. Did my ED care plan, had to be weighed and measured 😩

Called comm mh to try talk to my cm. Initially was told she wasn’t in. Asked to speak with my old cm who is on secondment but she wasn’t available either. They asked if I wanted to speak with the liaison person, hesitated and said I guess so, but then regretted it cause they wil know nothing about me, then I get my cm to my surprise. Explained to her what has happened. By her response and tone of voice she really had no idea the impact it’s having on me. Told her mums away. Told her what I have been doing to myself… then she sounds concerned . She’s gonna try call them and see what’s going on.

had been expecting my sw this morning. She said yesterday that she would stop by while she’s in the area and check in with me. But nothing.

hope both your days have been kind to you??

Hi @Bow

Well done for being honest with your gp hon. I know how hard that can be.

That was good that you could speak to your CM. Doesn't sound like they know where their staff are however. I really hope that something comes out of it. I guess at least she knows more now.

Doesn't sound like your sw sticks to her word. What a shame.

Very tired here too. Not much sleep either.

Thanks @Snowie

i don’t think many of them can be trusted with their words. It’s something that I really struggle…. If you say you’re going to do something then do it. If you can’t for whatever reason cause stuff happens yeah, then at least have the decency to let me know.

im sorry you had a bad night too and are tired. Have you been up to much?

I just got a very well loved Alice book in the mail. Came with a little card to say that it has been in her family since the 1950’s. Just sent her a message to say thanks for the card and for sharing the little books history. Will keep the card with the book.

I'm a bit like that too @Bow Keep to your word. Yes things happen, life happens and sometimes we cannot do what we said we would, but that doesnt happen all of the time. Mostly, you stick to your word. It means a lot. It can build trust, respect, honesty and a lot more qualities in a person.

That Alice book sounds nice. It's good when you can get some history behind the books you have. I like the old vintage books

Haven't done much. Saw mum yesterday morning. Besides that at home. Avoiding at most.

@Bow

I’m also very proud of you for trying to be honest with your GP. I’m sorry the ED care plan means being weighed and measured and also that your CM hadn’t understood the impact things were having on you. Am I understanding what you wrote correctly that she didn’t get it today either until you told her what you’d been doing? I’m glad she’s going to call them to see what’s going on but so sorry that she didn’t get it and act on your behalf sooner. Was it her who suggested switching providers? I know it would mean more change, but maybe it’s worth talking to her about switching and explaining what the SW said about the manager? I hope she’s able to organise for someone to be more consistent in checking in with you in the meantime while your mum’s away though. I’m also really disappointed for you that the SW not only didn’t show up today when she said she would but also didn’t let you know what was going on.

Keeping the card with the book is a lovely way to preserve that bit of history. Hoping there continue to be things for you and @Snowie that bring glimmers of interest/enjoyment in the midst of all the really hard stuff. Hoping we all sleep better tonight too!